How does this sound so far?

Question

I am writing my own sequel to Parvana for a school essay. How does this first paragraph sound?

I awoke to the thin, bright stream of light coming the tiny window of the room. I lifted my head off the toshak and looked around. Father was putting tea and rice out onto the mat. His eyes met min and he smiled.

"Good morning my Malali," he said.

"Good morning Father," I replied grinning.

I glanced over and saw the sleeping form of Homa, she was snoring gently. I guessed that Mrs. Weera and her grandchild were in the washroom.

I went over to the mat, sat down next to Father and began eating.

"Today we must set off Parvana," Father said, solemnly now.

I nodded, finding it now hard to swallow the sticky rice which had become lodged in my throat. I took a gulp of tea.

"Eat up Parvana," Father said. "We must leave soon."

So how does it sound? Constructive criticism please!

Thanks!

Answer 1

I agree with the poster who said there are too many "I" in your story.

Another point is that it does not grab you and make you want to keep reading.  

As is, it sounds more like a diary of a mundane day.

In Parvana, her father died, but here you have him serving breakfast.  If this is a sequel, you must be consistent.

Edit:  This is from Amazon.com:

"From School Library Journal

Grade 7-10-This sequel to The Breadwinner (Groundwood, 2001) easily stands alone. After her father's death, 13-year-old Parvana, disguised as a boy, wanders alone through war-torn Afghanistan looking for her mother and siblings who had disappeared in the tumult of the Taliban takeover of Mazar-e-Sharif."

Answer 2

foreign maybe? but good :)

Answer 3

Beware of typos and missing punctuation marks.

I think it sounds sort of cool... and sort of boring at the same time...

No offense...

Answer 4

It sounds a bit choppy, try varying your sentence lengths. Also, I find it a bit boring because a lot of the sentences start with 'I'.

Answer 5

Unedited... Not really anything too special, but solid writing. Describe more in detail if it's a novel.  

Answer 6

song or book? i write songs btw and compose music for a living =p.