How is my first draft prose?

Question

Sometimes, all I want to do is lay out back on the trampoline, breathing in the strong gusts of wind that skid across my face as they fly toward the trees, and once they hit them, rustle like applause at my patience. The air is so clear, even when the sky isn't, and as it is placed so perfectly centered in betwee both sets of woods, it is a private club house without any walls where thoughts can enter freely. At that spot, I discovered so many little beauties, the large scent of cinnamon gliding freely from the pages of a borrowed chapter book, the neighbors' crooked curtains floating heavily to the sill, embraced in their dark green hue the sun seems attracted to, and the loud screech of angry birds as Rain attempts to steal their babies. The moment is always lost but at the same time more found than ever before. It is like being trapped in a graceful, still world of nothing but peace and harmony. It's almost meditation, with less silliness and more bliss.

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It is a FIRST draft, which means I want a ton of critique, mmkay?

Answer 1

For a first draft, sounds fantastic.  

Here is just a few things I would change:

1. less comma use; a)  "...toward the trees.  Strong gusts..." Don't be afraid to separate some of these thoughts for better flow.

2. "Once they hit them" sounds better as "once it hits them".  This part of the prose was actually quite distracting for me and it took a minute for me to move forward into the next sentence.  

3. Semi colon works better - "...sets of woods; it is a private club..."

4. "crooked curtains floating... , embracing their dark green"  sounds better to me.  Sounds more like a unified thought that way.

5. I don't think that rain is a proper noun - does not need to be capitalized.  

6. Remove or change "graceful, still" in "...trapped in a graceful, still world of..." I found these describing words distracting and unnecessary.

7. And of course there needs to be an n at the end of "betwee"

Oh and might I mention this is a great first draft.  You are a fantastic writer who understands how to manipulate the English language wonderfully.  I especially liked the cinnamon reference,  I could actually picture it in my head as I read.  Great Job!