How is my poem! please respond truthfully!?

Question

I don’t want to ever lose what we have

But how am I supposed to stay the same?

I used to think we’d end up happily ever after

Sadly, I guess that never existed

I don’t want to ever forget all the laughs

The tears, the hopes, the fears.

If this was all gods plan

Why did we both end up with… empty hands?

I know this isn’t how it’s gonna end

I know we will be together in the end

But how do you act like everything will be okay

When I see you walking away

I know this is not how we are supposed to end

I know that we will end up again as best friends

But how can we act like everything is okay

When I see you, walking away

I don’t ever wanna forget anything

Making me laugh til we cried

I used to think that we would be best friends forever

Sadly that never happens.

I don’t ever wanna forget all the nights, we stayed up late

Talking about him, talking bout them

Talking about everything every dream

All the busted seams

***the rest of the poem wont fit. Sorry...***

Answer 1

The poetry flows endlessly smooth, it's just the timing. Don't be repetitive with your idea of love, express it in as many ways as possible...

EMPTY HANDS AND  HEARTS

I never want to lose the thing that we had

Please don't leave me feeling broken and sad

Can't stop healing empty hands and hearts

Is happy ever after somebody's dream?

Our love was endless so what fell in between?

I am reeling from empty hands and hearts

CHORUS:

I never empty hands or the hearts

Makin' love is like a work of art

I never want to live if we always give

Empty hands and hearts

Sometimes in sorrow I forget everything

Another sad song everyday I must sing

Cause I'm feeling empty hands and hearts

However this turns out when it is the end

I hope that we can be the best of friends

The cards are dealing empty hands and hearts

CHORUS:

Players deal with empty hands empty hearts

Makin' love is like a work of art

I never want to live if we always give

Empty hands and hearts

Players deal with empty hands empty hearts

Makin' love is like a work of art

I never want to live if we always give

Empty hands and hearts

I borrowed the melody from Bryan Adams, but you get the point!

Answer 2

It's okay if you're under 15. If not...hmm.

Answer 3

wow- I really liked it.

You really get your point across?

And the reader can tell what you're feeling.

I think maybe sometimes you overused some certain

words.

such as "act", and "end".

but other than that, I liked it.

Answer 4

One of the things that poetry is best suited for is re-creating the poet's emotion in the reader.  Here there is plenty of emotion but you are telling us what your feelings are instead of showing us the feelings themselves. The best way to do that is to fix on some concrete image and let it represent the way you feel. Your poem is long because you, due to what are very real feelings I'm sure, are going over and over the same points in order to try to make them strong when a picture might do the same thing in just a few lines.  There are many examples that would help you see this. One is a poem by Mary Oliver called Wild Geese that I particularly like.  I would also suggest you look for a book titled A Poetry Home Repair Manual by Ted Kooser, a former Poet Laureate of the US.  That is a great resource for anyone writing poetry whether a beginner or an expert. (People who think they are experts, however, don't listen to anyone else so I guess it wouldn't help them. lol)  You have some nice lines but I also think your scattered use of end rhyme is a mistake.  For the most part, there should be a pattern of end rhymes or avoid them altogether.  A good way to accomplish the latter is to work your lines so the rhyme is internal instead of at the end.  That way you don't create an expectation in the reader that you don't meet when you change.  Keep working at this, technique can be learned, the abiltiy to share emotion may not be something that can be learned or taught and you have that already so you are ahead of the game.  Best wishes.

Remember, all critique is opinion. This is mine. You may use it, lose it, or give it to Goodwill.

Answer 5

To me it sounds good. I could feel the sorrow in the poem. On how much the poet feels sad and how she is trying to express her feelings to that person.