How is my story so far?

Question

‘But Mum everybody is going to Sarah Meed’s party tonight!’ cried 15 year old Scarlet Polish.

‘I don’t care your father and I to the cabin and that’s that!’ May told her teenage drama queen daughter. You see Scarlet’s parents where going to there cabin in Whistler, British Columbia and making Scarlet keep care of her 10 year old twin sisters Amber and Ruby and her 8 month old sister Rain. Of course Scarlet insisted that her older brother Emmet come home and keep care her siblings. But Emmet was a four hour drive away and he was in the middle of senior year of college and not to mention he has a girlfriend no sorry a “French” girlfriend named Amie. So Scarlet was stuck she had to babysit them.

‘RUBY, AMBER I BETTER NOT HEAR THE T.V. ON IN YOUR BEDROOM!” yelled Scarlet in the kitchen with her party dress on that had a smear of mushy peas across the front. Scarlet ran into her room and pulled out a red dress with a V cut that matched her black silky hair she quickly changed and put her hair in a pony tail and looked in the minor

‘Ah! AMBER RUBY GET IN HERE NOW!’ screamed Scarlet as she looked at the big ink stain on the back of the dress

‘Yes Scar-’ Ruby stopped and looked at the big stain and ran down the hall. As she turned the corner she saw Amber on the floor with the phone in her hand. Amber’s head was bright red and tears were running down her face.

‘RUBY GET BACK HER YOU ARE GOING TO PA- yelled Scarlet. ‘What’s wrong Am?’ asked Scarlet as she took the phone from her sister’s hot sweaty hands.

‘Hello’

‘Yes hello my name is Ellis Monty I work at St. Teresa’s hospital in Vancouver is your parents names May and William Polish?’

‘Yes, they are what is wrong with them’ said Scarlet getting an bad feeling in her stomach

‘I am sorry to say that you parent’s have crashed there car and they have… and they have not survived I…I am so sorry’ said the man. Scarlet hung up and looked at her sisters Amber was still crying and Ruby crying and holding Rain who was chewing on her baby spoon.

‘What now’ said Amber who was now standing and had tears still running down her face.

‘Well I guess we should call Emmett and tell him get him to pick us up’ said Scarlet

‘Emmett it…it’s me’

‘Scarlet I am sorry I really busy I am…uh studying yea studying’

‘MOM AND DAD ARE DEAD YOU SELFFISH JERK!’ screamed Scarlet with rage and then Rain started to cry.

‘What…’

‘We need you to pick us up’ said Scarlet now coming down.

‘Oh okay’ beep, beep he hung up. Scarlet picked up Rain who was on the floor playing with the phone cord and banging her plastic spoon against the cord. As Scarlet walked up the stairs to put Rain to bed and pack up for there over night at the University dorm she heard Amber and Ruby crying there rooms. She opened the door to Rain’s nursery and put her down in the crib and grabbed the diaper bag and started to pack for Rain.

P.S. I just start i am not done yet

Answer 1

I think it's okay. You've got a great concept. I want to read more, it's a good idea that could be developed into a good story. But your writing style honestly needs work. Pay more attention to the emotional moments, like when their parents die in the car crash. Make your sentences shorter and spend more time introducing the characters. Refine your writing style. Right now, this is really rushed. You're speeding so fast, the reader can barely absorb what's going on. Slow down and spend way more time introducing the characters and the emotional moments, like the parent's death. It's good and you've got good ideas, but it needs a lot of fine tuning.

I'm sorry if I offended you. Part of the writing process is gettting feedback and comments, and they're not always pleasant. I had to learn to deal with it and so will you. Remember that it really is good, it just needs a lot of work. First drafts always need work.

Answer 2

when Scarlet calls Emmett....you should say something like Scarlet Frantically picked up the phone and dialed Emmett's number...just my opinion though

Answer 3

It's very good, needs a little work though. It reminds me of the first episode of Summerland (on the N)

Keep writing!

~Julie

Answer 4

It's too rushed.

Answer 5

Your timeline doesn't match at all. It's like the parents were there & then dead. But, whatever, I guess for being young it's fine.  

Answer 6

It was sorta weird how you rushed into the death.

Unless it's just setting the stage for bigger problems, then it wasn't very effective.

Develop your characters more fully and maybe the death will be more impacting to readers.

Otherwise, you're onto something good.