How is the beggining of my story?

Question

Here it goes:

Kristi ran frantically around the house, dodging furniture as she went. She had a super-big house considering she lived in a ritzy neighborhood. The alarm was booming and without looking back she stomped down the stairs trying to make it clear she was OK at the moment. The reason she didn't look back was she was pretty sure the fire was gaining on her, and she didn't want to freeze in panic. So finally the sirens sounded over the beeping alarm on the wall. She was a foot away from the door when she discovered it was stuck...She turned and jerked and kicked the door but it didn't budge. Thoughts were racing in her head as she tried to figure out a plan, but she had frozen in fear, just like she had dreaded.

K, that's it for now, it took me like 5 min. But remember this is a 5TH GRADERS WRITING, but let me know what you think of it!

Answer 1

that's really cool will u send it to me when your'e done, i'm 14 and i love books i'm trying to right one to but it's preety lame but yer i like it:)

Answer 2

hmmm its ok considering its fifth grade writing. The thing with the fire is slightly confusing maybe you want to introduce that concept earlier on and say how scared she was it seems like shes pretty calm despite the fact her house is on fire keep writing I want to know what happens next!

Answer 3

You're in fifth grade or are you writing this for fifth graders? Either way, it's an excellent beginning. I liked how you described her surroundings and her feelings, such as her fear and panic. Don't worry, it's perfectly fine! Keep on writing!

Answer 4

it is very good i am going into 5th grade

Answer 5

For a fifth grader, it's not bad.  It's also not fantastic.  I suggest not using casual language such as "super-big" unless it's in a dialogue.  Also, you should use more descriptive words- instead of okay, use something more powerful.  Even all right would be better.  Don't explain to us why your character does things- instead of saying "the reason" say something like "the raging fire was on her heels, and she was terrified she might freeze from panic".  Never start a sentence with "so".  It sounds like you're telling a story rather than objectively narrating it.  

It's good for a fifth grader's work.  I'm impressed.  You just need to write more descriptively and less like someone telling a story, and you'll be a really good writer.  It comes with practice and age, so don't worry too much.