How is this poem for my first day in Honors English 4?

Question

Light As A Feather

When I'm Floating Through

Reading Through The Daily News

Measuring The Hurt Within The Golden Rule,

Centimeters Of Ether I'm Heating The Speaker

Motivational Teacher With Words That Burn People

Seeing The Headlines Lined With Discord

It's Either Genocide, All The Planet In Uproar

Never Good But Rules Of Paradise Are Never Nice

The Best Laid Plan Of Mice And Men Are Never Right

I'm Just A Vagabond With Flowers For Algernon

The Average Joe Who Knows What The “F” Is Going On

It's The Hope Of My Thoughts That I Travelled Upon

Fly Like An Arrow Of God Until I'm Gone

So I'm Drifting Away Like A Feather In Air

Letting My Words Take Me Away From The Hurt And Despair

So I'm Keeping It Vertical Forever Elevator

Riding The Escalator To The Something That Is Greater

Answer 1

It's good I like it especially the last verse

Answer 2

You start off a little different than you continue.  Feather, through, then you use through again in the next line and news which does not rhyme, but it doesnt have to.  You continue starting to rhyme  your lines and it gets better as you go through.  Below the middle of the poem i start to see it get pretty good.  I especially like the bottom stanza.  I can write, and ive been told im good at it, but I dont know everything about writing.  I mostly just know how to make something sound good lol.  Don't let me tell you what is right or wrong then.

Answer 3

I like the poem but the last two lines...specifically the word "Elevator" in the second to last line seems like a typo---a bit awkward.

Answer 4

Not bad for a class assignment.  It's formulaic, and filled with a set of standard references and conceits that breaks no new ground, but it demonstrates positively that you have the ear for this particular form.  

Leave the F in it; F is part of the formula.  It ain't like your teacher can't guess what word you're not using, but s/he'll appreciate your restraint.  [Maybe you could say Eff? Just a thought--pt]

The "Flowers for Algernon" reference was risky--I'm glad you risked it.

Answer 5

Sounds like you've had a lonely experience.  Would be nice for school.

Answer 6

a.m.a.z.i.n.g.!!!!!!!! awesome!!!!! fantastic!!!!!!! that should get published!!!!!!!!!!!!

send me an autographed copy of ur 1st poetry book!!!!!!!!!!

=D

Answer 7

There is no punctuations, and makes it a hard read. A little editing will make it flow better. And not every word has to start with a capital letter, it makes it strange. Of course, the titles and what not should. Keep writing. Also, the rhyming scheme doesn't match up, as the previous poster said. Stay Strong.

Answer 8

So many words

Such peretentiousness

So little flair

Really it's quite a mess.

Answer 9

Really really good.

Unlike most poems, I actually get it.

It has meaning without being to complicated.

It's just complex enough, to make you think, but simple enough that everyone can get it.

Good job!.

Answer 10

Nice. I like the feel of it.  A few suggestions, however?

I wouldn't repeat THROUGH in the 2nd and 3rd line.

I'd change PLAN to PLANS.

Lose the F*** your teacher might find it offensive and you don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

I'D change UNTIL to TIL

I'd change the line to "Letting Words take Me From Hurt and Despair"

Good luck. Have a great senior year!

Answer 11

You are a VERY good writer!!! I really enjoy reading the poems you post on here, so keep it up, I'm amazed you are so good and so young. Very good. I like to write too, but I'm nowhere near that good. THanks for posting them, I like them all:)

Answer 12

Deffinitly great for school. Great to be published too.

=)

Answer 13

thats really good! its hard to make a poem that is good and ryme at the same time! you have a real talent! keep persuing poetry becase your really good at it!