How long do I wait before giving up? Close enough to being married....?

Question

How long do I wait before giving up?

My fiance and I have been together for 5 1/2 years and we are in a major rut. For the past 4 years there's been very little intimacy, kissing, hugging, holding hands and no s*x. Partly because our son was in our room until the beginning of this year.

A few weeks ago I accused him of cheating, but not without him giving me reason. He was working late and not coming home until 3-6 in the morning this past winter without calling or telling me before hand and he got off work at 1. Of course he denied everything and told me I was stupid for thinking what I was thinking and that if he was going to cheat he would leave. I believe him when he says this because we've had problems (not cheating) in the past and he has left. I came to realize that my accusations were wrong and once I got more info on the situation I felt stupid for accusing him in the first place. I apologized more then once but his feelings are hurt and he's angry.

Now that we've had it out and both agreed that we still love each other we are going to try and work it out. We both agree that we don't know if this can be worked out but we are willing to try. I've asked him about counseling and he won't go. I'm nervous about the whole situation and feel like I'm walking on egg shells now. I still love him and want for this to work but I told him the other day that I need the intimacy back in our relationship and not just the s*x. He'll tell me he loves me most of the time when I tell him and he always gives me a kiss in the morning when we leave for work and at night when I go to bed. Other then that, nothing. He says he needs an emotional connection in order to have s*x which really shocks me since not many men feel that way.

What can I do to fix this mess I've created? I believe him when he says there was no one else and I also believe he would leave if there was. Please help!! We all make mistakes....

Answer 1

Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!  Stop walking on eggshells, and tell him what you need...then it's up to him to provide it or not. If he doesn't, and it's not acceptable to you, move on! Life is too short to be unfulfilled!

Answer 2

Unless you each have a personality overhaul.... unlikely... what you have is what you'll  each get.  

There's no magical line after marriage. If you thought this was the case, you're wrong.  AND:  If this is what you are willing to settle for, fine.  If not, leave and tell him why.  To string it on and on is like cutting off the puppy's tail one inch at a time... and you have already been frustrated with this situation into easily 4 years... (the hot passion, hon slides into contentment... so if you are looking for that, it will ebb every time.  And the best lovers, are those who know each other well, and delight in satisfying that person.  I don't read that you have either of those things here.)

So the choice is yours, hon, and no one can make that one for you.

Answer 3

these problems are normal.. sounds like you were a bit insecure.. he has to see where you are coming from.. just ask him to call or something if he is going to be late, or give a rough time.. doesn't have to report everything, but consideration... you guys need to sit down and talk about what you expect from each other and what you are willing to do to get that.. it is really tough and hard.. it takes work.. I understand the emotional connection.. there have been ruts where you don't feel "connected" to that person and not excited about s*x.. there is "just s*x" where the emotion is not fully there..

he has to give you something to work off of... he needs to reassure you  to help build your confidence.. is this fair, maybe not.. but to keep your relationship intact, you have to do it.. well, both of you have to work at it... it is a roller coaster ride, each of you have good and bad times...it's when both of you hang on and support each other that makes the marriage worth it..

Answer 4

First how do you know he wasn't cheating?  Sounds a little suspicious to me, getting off work at 1am and coming home two hours later.  Just enough time for a little afternoon delight.  So you believe him, but I think you shouldn't be so gullible.  He's not respecting you and therefore he is the one causing the fights.  If he wanted to get along with you he would at least call and explain himself a little, or how about when he was home one day he tells you he's working late and explains.  He failed to do so.  Most men who cheat, and some women also, use the old line, I can't have s*x with someone unless I have feelings for them.  Please don't believe it because you will be sorry for doing it.  

Fault needs to fall on those it truly belongs to.  You can't blame yourself for being upset with his behavior and he should expect you to be upset without a reason or explanation.  The fact that he waited to explain this to you later, when you were upset, reinforces the fact he was doing something wrong, and as cheaters normally do, reverse the blame and fault.  The point is it takes two people to work something out, not just one and they both have to put in effort.  If he's not willing to talk it out, or make promises that he will let you know within reason where he's at, then your wasting your time.

My question is this, what is he doing to work out this relationship with you?  There is only so much one person can do.  And if he's not having s*x with you, trust me, he is having it with someone else.

Answer 5

You guys are already married technically. The only thing misssing from this picture are rings. You guys have a place together and a kid and most likely paying bills together.

Ultimatum this forces his hand.

Answer 6

Your husband is being unfair to you by making you feel you created all the problems in the marriage. He was not doing his part by coming home hours after his work shif....he could of at teast called you to eliminate you to doubt him. It takes two people to work at a marriage and to rebuild trust in a relationship. It sounds as if your husband is dissolutioned with all the fighting but is not willing to work on things. His refusal to work with you and a counselor is an indication that he lhas lost hope.. These problems are serious and without him willing to work on things leaves you alone to work on things. See a counselor this way you can at least get help on how to proceed further with this marriage. Good luck to you!

Answer 7

"He needs an emotional connection..." is plain and simply a lie. He is playing your emotions to keep you in a state of confusion. All men need s*x, and if he`s not doing it with you, his hat is on someone elses bedpost. His timing of finishing work at 1 am and not coming home for hours later is a red flag, big time. He won`t go to counseling because he is scared a professional will nail him and he will get caught. He`s cheating, plain and simple.

Answer 8

Just give it some time, love and patience.  Don't try so hard, just be your loving self that is full of life and have that smile on your face every time you see him.