How long do we let this go?

Question

My stepdaughter’s mother has been unemployed since our summer visitation in June. She claims she’s looking for a job but cannot find one and while I know the economy is poor, she should be able to find at least something. Typically we wouldn’t care, but being that my stepdaughter lives with her mother full time, we have to worry and be sure she’s being taken care of. And her mother is the type to NEVER ask for help because that’d mean she’s incapable and she would never in a million years tell her child’s father she needs his help for anything regarding the little girl.

I know the easy thing to do is just keep paying our child support and continue on in life as we do. But we also have a responsibility to make sure that this little girl is being taken care of properly.

Should we be doing anything? We don’t live nearby so checking in on her isn’t an option other than a phone call, to which we’ll most likely get a runaround. And the child is almost 5 so she can tell us things but we don’t want to drill the poor child.

Any advice on this? Should we be concerned with her mom being unemployed for almost 3 months?

Thanks for your help!

Answer 1

Just keep a check on things.  If you think it is getting too bad, confront her.

Answer 2

If she doesn't have the income to support the child, take temporary custody until she gets back on her feet. It'll be a lot easier for her to find a job if she's not taking care of a young'un at the same time. Once she's settled, work out a joint custody agreement. There's no way you and your husband should support the ex-wife to make sure his daughter is cared for.  

Answer 3

yes you do have the right to know, she may be getting help from other areas and be too ashamed to admit that shes receiving aid.

Answer 4

hmmm, almost 5, she attending Kindergarten this year, or no?

Are her values geared more to being a stay at home mom?  Sure, she "could" get a job, but, would the child be better off staying at home with mommy?  Sitters really can't be trusted these days...  No, the child probably does not have fancy things, but, if she has food on the table from the state, who cares?  Maybe the mother thinks it's best to be with the little girl since noone else can be trusted...

I believe in being a stay at home mom.  I had a baby left in her carseat ALL day, was NEVER taken out and played with.  I had another family let my child have kool aid all day instead of milk and juice.  Another family left their p**n mags out in the open =(...  Some other people felt it was ok to drink beer in front of kids.  I don't.  

Even though I am married now, I still believe in being a stay at home mom.  Yes, at times we have been broke, but, that does not mean the kids are not cared for.  To me, the emotional bond and teaching kids right and wrong is more important than having clothes from Macy's or Old Navy, etc...

Sure, the mother can get a job doing anything such as McDonald's, but, the pay stinks to pay a sitter!  Daycares are TOO expensive if you are working at McDonald's.  Can you guys babysit?  Do you stay at home?  Just wondering here...  need some more details =)  Then I will add more...

If she has a mother/brother/sister/father or someone who can be trusted to babysit, then, that's a different story...  Does she have more babies at home, too?  Daycares can't even be trusted these days...  kids learning to bite each other, hit, punch, etc...

Mary

I see you added more =)

ok, he pays day care, and she's not using it, that's wrong...  time to get back to court, even if it's over the phone...  and reduce the child support...!  =)  that's what I think...!  do a modification over the phone...!  do NOT send more money, you are right, you are to help with the child, not pay for his ex to sit on her butt, that's the truth there, lol!  I am all for child support but not ex girlfriend support, lol!  and she's not to keep that day care money so she can sit on her butt...  that's not right...

Ps, noone should give her extra money, noone...  let the child support cover it...not his or your family...  =)  she can apply for food stamps, medical, cash assistance, etc...  let the STATE pay for it...noone else...  and the child support...

again, get it lowered, take out the day care, since she's not using it...  and YES, she won't need it now if the child is going to School...

Answer 5

Do you have a good relationship with the mom? If you do then you should talk to her and if she needs anything have her tell you. Sometimes it's hard for us to swallow our pride. Do you know anyone who lives nearby? You could have them look in on the child.  You do not want it to get so bad that the child suffers. If you can you really should try and help the mom for the child. Being a step mom myself i know only the child suffers. They love both there parents and really do not understand.

Answer 6

You have to let it go or go for custody.  She may be capable but you cannot change her behaviors or decisions.  As long as the child has food, clothing and a roof there is not much you can do.

Answer 7

Hopefully she is getting unemployment, and of course generous child support, paid on time, etc....Possibly you could send clothing gifts through for the girl....Please don't involve the child in ratting on her mom....It seems that you already understand how bad that would be....Send some outfits, underwear, sox, sneakers; say its for school, birthday, holiday, just because you saw some cute stuff for her...send the little girl some spending money in a cute card...Speak to her every other day....a quick phone call won't inconvenience you.....and just let her know that you're thinking of her...Mom sounds strong..I think its ok...but do the clothes thing....it will be appreciated, but don't expect acknowledgment either...

Answer 8

for right now, i would let this go.  there isn't any evidence to suggest that the child is not being taken care of.  if you push your stepdaughter's mother about this now...it might cause world war 3.  i would watch, and listen.  if you see any evidence that the child is not being taken care of, you might have to move in and request custody from the court.

Answer 9

This is a tough situation.  You obviously want what is best for the child and your home may be the best place for her right now.  I would keep the lines of communication open with the mom as best you can.  Maybe he would want to offer to keep the little girl until she gets on her feet?

You seem to have multiple problems, though.  With the kindest tone of voice, I would ask your sister in-law to please direct her to your husband for her needs.  She may say to her, 'I know that you are in an awful situation right now.  I'm so glad I can lend an ear however, any addition funding needed you'll really want to discuss this with my brother'.  It will be her out if she takes it, if she doesn't and keeps telling you to give this chic more, I'd tell her to mind her own business.  

Answer 10

Let WHAT "go"?  If you have no EVIDENCE of wrongdoing, you are looking for things that might not exist, and that means you are LOOKING for trouble.  

You CANNOT force someone to do what YOU feel is the right thing.  Unless you hear something is wrong, stop assuming it is wrong. Just send the money as you were ordered to do, do not ever send more than ordered unless YOU want to do that, then send "gift cards" from Safeway or Wal-Mart, and get over the jealousy - sorry, but I do not see "concern" - I see jealousy.  The ex makes it work somehow - if she is not hurting anyone, then leave it alone and live your own life.