How long should I wait for my boyfriend of 4.5 years to propose?

Question

I have been with him since I was 19, and I just turned 24, he is 25. We have been together for about 5 years, and living together now for 1.5 years. We are currently looking into getting a condo together. When we moved in together, it wasn't to try to be together, or some huge decision we both made, it was because his roommate moved out and I offered a place for awhile to crash, and because of money, it made sense to stay living together.

I have asked him many times about marriage, and he responds that he doesn't see the big deal about marriage that I do. He says that because we live together, of course he plans on spending a long time with me. But being married is a non-negotiable thing for me. The other night I finally just told him that at this point in our relationship I have a right to ask "what are you waiting for?!?". Well he said "to get some things done first." Hmm, very vague. I told him that men who give vague answers are doing so because they are avoiding the real question.

Whenever friends or family asks when we are getting married, he always makes some sarcastic comment, like he will say "I dunno, maybe 10 years from now". Or, he will say "if she's lucky enough..." I'm tired of these comments and trying to navigate his responses from how he really feels.

I do love him very much, and I have never felt so comfortable in a relationship. I wish that he would get over whatever issues he has with committment and marriage already, but on the other hand, I am a intelligent, successful woman and I am ready to move on and start my life. It's like the old saying "fish or cut bait!" He keeps saying in a few years, etc., but I don't think I can just live with someone and date them for 7 years without marriage.

I am in law school and he still has several years left to get his undergrad. He says he wants to get his degree first, which I understand the importance of that. But it seems silly to me for us to be together for (at the point of his college graduation) 7 years and living together for 3.5 years with no proposal or marriage.

I guess my question is should I wait that long and give up my entire 20's for something that may or may not happen? Or should I walk unless he committs me to now, which is what I truely want?

Answer 1

I wouldn't break up with him just yet, girl. I would def move out though. I'd tell him "I think we should live separate, and stop pretending to be married (play house) until we are actually MARRIED". If he doesn't get the hint, then move out on your own! You being away will def scare him a bit. But you can't just say it to see if it works, you have to be prepared to move out. He doesn't sound too committed to getting engaged any time soon. But then again,girls are always thinking about the future and marriage around our age, and guys typically aren't unless they feel like they might lose you or they just love you so much they can't stand not being married to you. It seems like you guys have just been together for so long, he's just used to the way things are and feels like "whatever". Some people get into a slump in their relationships. If you move out and another year goes by, I'd be long gone then. But for sure, would not, NOT, buy a condo with him until you have a outward commitment of a engagement ring. (personal experience, it makes it harder to make a decision later if you choose to leave; trust me!).  

Answer 2

It's not fair to ask us that as only you truly know how far or how long you are willing to wait.  I told my husband when we started dating I was on a 2 year plan, he was on a 8 year plan.  We finally decided after 4 years to get hitched.

It's harder for men to decide and come around to ask a girl.  When you are truly ready and he isn't I would say no more than two years.  My sister waited for 11 and half years and he just walked away when she finally told him to get married or leave, so he left???

It's all up to how you feel and what your gut tells you but do not sacrafice what is important to you, it's not just his decision.

Answer 3

Have you read the book "He's just not that into you"? Get it, its good and will give you a huge amount of insight into why he is treating you this way. I wasted SEVEN years of my life with someone who had 0 intention of every marrying me - don't make the same mistake hon, believe me, I knowwwwwwww its the hardest thing. Good luck

Answer 4

You already see the writing on the wall.  Now is the time to leave.  He has no desire to marry YOU.  Move on.  Sorry, it's painful, but I've been there TWICE and wasted all of my 20s on men who had no desire to marry.  Don't make the mistake. You two are not on the same page and you should find someone who is.

Answer 5

4 1/2 years is too long to not have a set date.  Your discussions with him from the time you realized you might have a serious relationship should have been happening all along.  By year two you should have had a firm commitment set with all your goals in place.  He isn't the slightest bit interested in finalizing your relationship and has given you plenty of signals letting you know this.  Doing anything more with this guy isn't going to change his attitude.  I would move on and as quickly as you can.  And realize that no one should be "waiting" for a proposal.  You have known for quite some time this isn't the guy, so yes it's time to fish or cut bait. You both have different ideas about marriage and he obviously doesn't want to marry you.  Sorry.

Answer 6

How long are you willing to wait?  Nobody can answer that question for you.  How long are you content to have zero action even if (especially if!) he decides he never wants to marry?  Do you love him enough to stay with him, unmarried, forever?

First off, I would make sure that if you do decide to get a condo that you start off with him as the owner and you pay rent.  You do NOT want that legal burden if you decide to split up, it's ugly.  Once you get married you can switch it to co-ownership.

Let's say you want to have a decision made by the time you are 25.  That gives him nearly a year to figure out what he wants, and whether or not he's willing to "get a few things done".  Tell him that if he hasn't asked you to marry him by your 25th birthday that you will understand that your life paths are going in different directions and that you will be able to make your way on your own, and so can he.

It may sound like an ultimatum, but really you are just setting a timeline for things to get moving (or not) and it's not the same as forcing his hand immediately.  He may need time to get used to the idea.  If he decides he doesn't want to, then you will be able to salvage some of your twenties for finding someone who does want to commit to you.  Don't throw in the towel just yet, but do communicate with him on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it, whether it's from him or from some future husband-to-be.

Answer 7

I ask myself that same question every day :(

Answer 8

My dear, you are entitled to a committment and if he refuses, to make a long story short, walk.  I think he needs a little shocker.  If he refuses to make the committment, engagement, and set a date, I would pack my bag, walk out and go home to your family.  Then no communication....Let him come after you.  If he does, you be strong on one thing...a ring, and a set wedding date, otherwise it is over.  He needs a kick in the butt and if you don't do it, he will string you along until you are in your thirties, then forties..and childless...Do not go back to him unless you see an engagement ring and a committment.  If he refuses..or lags and hems and haws..makes excuses, then he never ever had any intention of marrying you....You stand by your principles..you deserve the house, the white picket fence and marriage.  You have a career and you are intelligent so you don't really need this guy.  Also there are alot of men of your calibur that would love to have you as their mate....Give this guy a run for his money.  It is marriage or it is over...that's it.  Good Luck to you and stick by your guns...don't give in to him...as he will string you along another ten years.

Answer 9

Communication is key. You have to tell him that you want to get married. talk to him. but you don't want to propose to him. either you wait and see if he does it soon, because he might, in fact be saving up for your ring. or talk to him and tell him whats on your mind. just sit down and have a nice little talk with him of how you want your life's together. but then again, i'm only 12 so i don't know much about this. haha. but good look (;

Answer 10

He's not going to propose because, like he said, you already live together.  To him that is enough of a commitment.  This is why people should NOT move in together until at least they are engaged and a wedding date is set and plans are being made.  I, personally, do not believe in living together before marriage at all, but obviously there are plenty of people in today's society who do live together before marriage.  He already thinks of you like his wife as you do all the things a wife would do.  If you really want to know how commited he is to you, move out and get your own place.  Let him know that you will not live with him until you're at least engaged (and even that may not be good enough because he may be one of those guys that after proposing, refuses to set a date or sets a date so far in the future that it makes no sense in being engaged in the first place).

Answer 11

You need to sit down and speak to him about this. Its obvious finacial reasons aren't standing between you two and engagement considering you already live together and are talking of buying a condo. Explain you don't need a wedding now (that can wait until you two graduate if you are comfortable with that) but you need some commitment, and by now he should be ready for that. If he isn't, you need to start thinking if you want to sit around and wait. Marriage means something to you, and you don't want to waste your youth with someone who has no intention of ever settling down. He needs to be fair to you and tell you what his true intentions are. Goodluck.  

Answer 12

You DO know the answer to this, but it's hard for you to admit it.

You two may love one another, but you are not a match for marriage.

An 'intelligent, successful' woman such as yourself should know that if a couple is your age, several years of serious dating is plenty long enough to know if there is suitability for marriage. It's totally obvious that he's comfortable with the two of you shacking up, and has no need or want to get married.

You must see that you have now changed the rules. You have been playing house willingly, now you want marriage.

Put simply, if marriage is something you seriously want, it's time to move on. I don't mean that flippantly. You have gone through your early 20s with him, just why would you want to 'put in more time' if you two don't want the same thing?  Doesn't mean he's not a good guy, he just isn't into you in that way, it's not what he wants. Sorry...

Answer 13

Why should he buy the cow when the milk is free. Sorry, but it is an old saying that is so true. After he gets his degree, then what will be his next excuse.  I would tell him, that it might be better for him to go get his own place, and you can continue to date, and if someone new comes a long, you won't feel guilty about seeing them. If there is no commitment, there is no reason to not see other people. I would not do that as long as I was living with him, out of respect, to bad he doesn't respect you enough to set a date.  

Answer 14

When my husband and I first got together, I told him I wanted to get married someday. He said he did to but when I felt ready, he was NOT. I waited and even gave him an ultimatum, that later I felt bad about. I wanted him to marry me because he wanted to, not because I wanted him to.  We were together a little more that 8yrs and on Christmas Eve (2007) he propsed. On July 26, 2008 we were married.

It was so worth the wait!!

Answer 15

As a woman, I can totally understand where you're coming from and from my own relationship, I can understand where you man wants to wait until he is financially stable. I would feel uncomfortable making that type of commitment without being stable too. It does sound like he has some issues concerning an engagement. Is this because he just does not want to get married (look at Goldie Hawn and her man)? Some people just don't want to get married. Another person suggested moving out which I personally think would put him in an uncomfortable position. Imagine being cornered like that, I know I wouldn't like it. He seems to know your concerns with his lack of interest in marriage. Just ask him flat out, do you want to get engaged and married. Let him know how important that is to you in your life. I can't really tell you to break up with him or stay with him. That's up to you. I think 4.5 years is a long enough time to get engaged. Why can't you date someone for seven years and not be married? Just curious. If he is your true love and someone you want to spend the rest of your life with then what's the rush? I mean, trust me, the ring and wedding is awesome...but that's not all it is about. I guess my suggestion to you is to examine your own ideas, ideals, values, beliefs, and relationship and why you feel the way you do about them. Understand your mans. Do it in a non-confrontational way:) Use "I" statements and take responsibility for your feelings.