How long will it take the Ex Wife to calm down and not use the children as a pawn?When will my children?

Question

I am almost to my first year aniversarry of my divorce.We were married 13 years.I filed,felt guilty but I tried everything.Couseling,changing and everything I possibly could to make it work.When I finally gave up I made it a point to talk to my children one on one.You know things are bad when your 13 year old daughter thanks you and replies I am glad the strees is over and you will finally be happy.It was not a messy divorce.It was uncontested and I offered to pay $300.00 more a month than what was required.I wanted to make certain my wife and kids would be fine.My ex constantly feels sorry for herself and now has my teen age daughter feeling sorry for her.When my daughter tries to get in the middle I tell her to let the adults deal with this and work things out.I let her know that she needs to enjoy being a kid and to focus on her friends and school.I do not share any of the stresses with my children.My ex wife constantly tells our kids how bad she has it,how poor they are and how I hurt her.My daughter is starting to hold things against me but I will not allow her to be put in the middle and work hard for us to have good quality time together.My daughter does'nt know my ex makes a ton of money between work and what I pay.My daughter does'nt know her mom brings home twice as much as I.I dont want her to get involved and I will not say anything negative about her momma or tell her the truth aabout the situation.Her mom does not manage her finances well at all.Have you been through this and how long until my daughter will start realizing herself how things really are?It is tearing me up inside that my daughter doesnt know the whole truth.

Answer 1

Can you speak with your ex about this? Once she finds someone new, she won't feel so sorry for herself. Her problem is not your problem. All you can do is talk to your children openly and honestly and love them. Don't bash your ex with your kids but tell them their mom is sad and lonely and soon she'll be better. It's only been a year which seems like a long time but it's really not. Your kids sound pretty smart. They'll figure it out. Let them know they can all ways talk to you about anything. Stay close to them and they will never turn against you.

Answer 2

sounds like you need to step in and go to family couciling for you and your wife and your daughter. i don't think it's right that your wife is doing this. it's a critical time in your daughter's psychological development. use the court to force your wife into family couciling if you need to. but please do it. you owe it to your daughter.  

Answer 3

look, here is a simple rule of thum I would suggest you use with your daughter or anyone for that matter especially kids. If she's smart enough to be asking you things about the divorce she is smart enough to know. Im not saying you should go and explain EVERYTHING to her but if she's asking questions and wants to know whats up and IS getting involved then answer them. otherwise you'll have her completely siding with her mom and eventually the mom will turn your daughter against you. Give her bits of info and explain some things to her.

Answer 4

I can tell you its been 3 years since my husband of 16 years cheated on me and left our kids and I.  I had no idea we had any problems and as a result I still struggle to this day.  

Your wife like me wont be using the kids at all.  I leave my crying for when I'm in bed and the children are sleeping, but unfortunately my son hears me regularly.

The kids cant help being protective of their mummy, they are watching her grieving for her husband, its so difficult.  Your heart is so broken, try not to be hard on your ex she most likely doing her best to pull herself together.

Things that used to send me over the edge were when my ex came to the house with her in the car outside my home.  

You sound like a caring father and ex, try cutting her some slack, you wanted the breakup its much much harder when you dont want the relationship to end.

Answer 5

Keep doing what you are doing. You can't do anything about what your ex is doing. Your child will know what is really going on if she doesn't already. You're doing the right thing.

Answer 6

I don't think you wife will ever stop doing what she is doing unless you tell your daughter some of the things that are happening and maybe even see to it that your daughter gets some counseling. I think your daughter is old enough to hear the truth. There is a way of saying things, so that it does not sound like you are talking bad about your wife. I hope it all works out well for you and your daughter, good luck.

Answer 7

I've been through the same thing and, while it has improved over the past 7 years, it still happens on occasion.  

My ex is also financially irresponsible and makes it a point to let my daughters know that he doesn't have money.  Of course, he blames it on having to pay child support.  What he doesn't tell them, and they don't know, is that he didn't even pay child support at all for 2 of those 7 years and that I never took him to court for the amount he was in arrears.  They're with him for most of the summer and, even though the court order states he is to pay all year, I ask him not to pay anything while they are in his care.  There have been countless times that he has paid less than the monthly amount ordered by the court and I have never pushed it through the courts to have him pay the full amount, nor will I.  I don't push him on it either.  My thought is that if he can't or doesn't pay it then it's for his conscious to deal with at some point in the future.

He has also tried to convince my oldest daughter that she can contact the court when she turns 12 and tell them that she wants to live with him and that it will just magically happen.  They aren't aware that I pushed for a 50/50 custody agreement and wanted us to remain in the same area so we could spend equal time with our daughters.  He chose to move 45 miles away, making this impossible.  They have no idea that the court order states that his visitation is to be much less time than he actually spends with them.  I just want my kids to know that their dad loves them and wants to be with them.

There have been other things he's said and done that were out of line, and other outlandish things he's told the kids through the years and I've done exactly what you are doing.  I've kept my mouth shut.  I have never said negative things about their father.  When they've mentioned his lack of money, I explain that it is his business and that I don't want to interfere in it.  If they repeat something that he's said in an effort to gain their sympathy, I've explained that they need to speak with their father about it.  Again, I do not want to interfere in his affairs.  The only thing I've gotten in the middle of is the custody statement he made to my older daughter.  I simply pulled up the state law and read/explained it to her.  She needed to know that it wasn't as easy as a telephone call.  

Over time, my daughters have begun to realize that I'm not as nuts as he would have them believe.  This has happened without me saying a word.  I think you're doing the right thing and think you should keep it up.  Just show your daughter that you love her and the rest will fall into place.

Answer 8

Serious question here... I'm going from from childhood on this one. Don't try to influence her and hopefully in the long run she will realise what a fool her mother really is, but the only problem is, if she is easily influenced, then the mother will brainwash her to think your not a good dad. Have you tried to talk with the mother about not involving your daughter?

Your other option, ask your daughter who she wants to live with and try to take her under your wing. I hate women who use children as a peice in the game to get back at the male. It's out of order and your daughter don't need that kind of influence in her life.

Hope this helps alittle

Answer 9

as a child from that situation, i applaud you for being mature. she sees more than you realize, and i guarantee you, when she is older, she will notice things and understand what is going on now. it took me til i was about 17 to realize how my mom was treating my dad, talking down about him when he was struggling to take care of me and my brother.

you just keep doing the right thing. the truth will come out, and eventually she will see her mother for who she really is...good luck!

Answer 10

My situation when my parents divorced was the opposite of your daughters. I had a deadbeat alcoholic dad who I was very close to, and he would tell me all of the time how wrongly my mom had done him, and how she was a bad parent. I started hating my mom, who I lived with the majority of the time, and he really encouraged it. Finally, at twelve I realized that he was dragging me down and made the decision to stop seeing him, because his life was out of control and he had no desire to fix it. I knew he wouldn't have paid child support anyways.

At 13, your daughter is old enough to know the whole truth, and she probably really wants to know. She should at least know how much you are really helping her mom financially, because it's rediculous for her to mope about feeling sorry for herself, getting your daughter to feel sorry for her, blaming you for them not having any money.

Answer 11

Where does the guilt come from???

You are doing your best, and as for your wife you don't

need to have a relationship with her.  Your daughter

who knows when she will realize it or not, but I think

you can stop this stuff from going on, no peace here,

put a stop to it all and be assertive.  You''ll be

at peace, and much happier.

Answer 12

talk to your daughter like an adult tell her the truth properly it will probably help the two of you to have a level understanding of the situation

as for the ex talk to her and just tell her to quit being so bitter its not helping either of you failing that move away