How long would you continue an open adoption if first mom is not showing up for meetings?

Question

She was seeing him every 2-3 months. It's been 6 months and she's missed 2 scheduled meetings. He is only 1 yo so it doesn't really have an effect on him yet.

Do you continue to honor the open adoption if it's 2 or 3 years down the road when she decides she wants to see my son again? Would that be detrimental to him? I entered into the open adoption for the benefit to my son so I don't want to do anything to harm him. Should I tell her that she at least needs to make sure she sees him within the next 6 months in order for him to grow into who she is? I just think it would be weird for him at 2,3, 4 years old to meet her again and have no idea who she is. What do you think?

Also, please don't accuse me of trying to close the adoption as that is the last thing I want to do. This is actually very hard on me as well since I care about her very much.

Answer 1

Keep the door open for her.  She may be having issues.  As long as the door is open to her, hopefully all will work out and she will come back.

Answer 2

Whatever you decide, should be in the best interest of the child. I think a lot of bmoms would love to be in a situation like you have given your bmom. I agree with you that he may become confused about amom and bmom. I think you must keep the line of communication open with his bmom, so that when he is older, he will know that you did your best to keep in contact with the bmom.

Answer 3

That is a tough question, I posted a similar one a few weeks ago.  My son was taken from his bmom at 10 months and placed in the system.  His bmom is my cousin.  At 15 months old he came to live with us.  While she was supposed to be getting her life "together" she had visits scheduled every 2 weeks.  Out of the first 26 visits (a year) she showed up 6 times, 3 times with different guys who would be the "new" daddy.  Then she went 19 months, not weeks, MONTHS without word, a call, letter, nothing.  When she finally showed up it was unplanned, we had planned a visit with his natural grandmother and poof she came with her.  We set her down and explained that we filed for adoption and would she sign consent.  She said she already assumed we had adopted him since technically she abandoned him.  Her life was not and still is not together.  We have since adopted him and told her she could come for visits every 6 months, she could call or write anytime, but she has chosen to do none of this.  We gave her the option, but she choose not too, and from what people posted to me I am not going to push the option.

My son knows about her, we talk about her, he has a picture, so we do not hide it.  I guess when she is ready she will contact us and we will go from there.  

You have done everything you can do, but I say contact her and tell her when she is ready to contact you and you can go from there, but as for the "open" part of the adoption you will send letters and pictures.  That is really all you can do.

Answer 4

Talk to the attorney who arranged the adoption. He should send her a letter stating that since she has missed 2 scheduled meetings in a row, you are no longer bound by the terms of the open adoption.

Answer 5

I would have a serious chat with her because right now your son is too young to know anything. Once he gets older that will be a different story if his birthmother plans to just be in an out when ever she feels like it well I don’t think that is the best for your son or any child. It is quite selfish of this woman you have put aside some time for her and for her to not even show up, well I’m sure there are other things you all could have been doing. Completely inconsiderate. Even if she is having difficulty seeing him raised by you all, or has some issues going on. She could be considerate enough to just say “Hey I have some things going on I’m not going to be able to come and see ‘Billy’ for a while.”

Answer 6

Being adopted I'm kind of on the other end of the rope here. I don't know the first thing about my real parents at all. There were times I really wanted to know and times I didn't really feel the need. Guess being a lil brat the times I did want to know were the times I felt my parents were being unfair. (Typical kid eh?)

I honestly have no advice for you I wouldn't know how to approach this in the least. It would be very hard for me to share a child with another, but I applaud you. That's such an amazingly unselfish thing your doing for your son and I would imagine alot of emotional stress and frustrations from time to time. Your so brave and kind.

I guess the only thing I can really suggest is just love the pants off of him and when he gets older and curious you'll have more answers then I did.  You can't force anyone to participate in a child's life, I learnt that from my daughters fathers. However you can have answers and pictures for him when he asks.

In the end I think he will come to believe the same thing I did as I got older.  Your his mommy and she is his mother. It takes alot more to be a mommy. (I think really that's what will matter most and the fact that you were honest to him and tried)

That's really all I can offer from the other side of the perspective. I truly hope it helps.

Answer 7

Could you contact her and explain your concerns and let her know that you really want her to continue seeing him, but remind her that as he gets older it may profoundly hurt his emotional well-being and self esteem if she ditches each meeting.  See if she is having problems (like transportation or working around a job, etc.) that you both should consider when making the appointed meetings.  

But, when all is said and done, I agree if she says she wants to show up and then doesn't, your son will feel betrayed all over again- each time it happens...  and that's not good.

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As for him not knowing who she is, as long as you always, starting from the beginning, tell him that she's his birth/natural/biological/first mother, he'll know.

Answer 8

I heard about a situation like this when we were doing our adoption classes.  There was a birthmother with every-other-month visits with her son and his adoptive family.  After her third visit or so (about six months) she stopped keeping the appointments.  Just wouldn't show up.  The meetings were held in the social worker's office and they kept  making the appointments every other month (which had been agreed upon pre-adoption).  Finally, the birthmother cancelled them because she could see that her son had bonded to his adoptive family and hat she was a stranger to him.  

This isn't the fault of the adoptive family.  Babies at 6-9 months start "making strange" or discriminating between familiar faces they see every day and people that they don't.  

I'm not sure how it ended up, but I know the adoptive family's intent was to continue sending pictures/letters on a regular basis.  

My suggestion would be to talk to your son's birthmother about this.

Good luck.

ETA: I'm a bit of a hardliner on appointments also.  I think that in order for an open adoption to work, both the adoptive family and the birthfamily need to have a good understanding of boundaries.

Answer 9

That is a hard one.  I am kind of a hard *** on this, if you they don' t keep their appointments I assume it must be hard for them to see their child, and may bring up unhealthy feelings/actions.  I would still keep the door open for her, but provide strong boundaries.  IF she needs a couple of years, then okay, and it might be odd for your son in a few years, but at least if the door is open it may be good for all involved.

Always remember that you are his parent, and have to do what is right for him.

Answer 10

It is an open adoption.  She can continue to see him whenever it works for her.  Clearly, if her life situation had been good, she would have kept her baby in the first place.  My suggestion is to send her updates and continue to schedule meetings unless she says otherwise.

Thousands of women have the same issues with absentee fathers.  It's a problem that they have had to work out and so will you.  Good luck!

Answer 11

It should be up to your son.  Since he is too young to make any decisions to himself, keep doing what you're doing, and as he gets older, make sure he knows it is HIS decision whether to have visits with his mother.  No one else should decide for him whether he is allowed to have contact with his mother.

Answer 12

Maybe it is too painful for her to see her son being raised by someone else.   Or maybe something serious is going on in her life, and she is not okay.

I understand totally your concern for your son, and how it will affect him if she's gone for a few years, then starts showing up again.   Do you have pictures of her around the house?  If not, you should put some up in his room, and maybe in the living room.  Talk to him about her on a regular basis, so he knows who she is.  Hopefully at some point she will be able to feel she can make contact with you again, and when that day comes, he will be familiar with her because of your persistence in showing him the pictures and talking about her.

Answer 13

I would continue to schedule them with her, but not tell your son (when he is of age to notice). This way he doesn't get excited so if she doesn't show he doesn't know... throughout time this will probably solve itself, but I wouldn't recommend cutting off that relationship. An "open" adoption means that you should be communicating.. so even if she isn't fully participating you can still be sending her pictures of your child so that you're doing your part. Give her opportunities to see him, but set boundaries.

Good luck.