How many kids do you tell people you have?

Question

after you give a baby up do you stll tell people how many ykids including that one or how many you kept. I have a friend who gave her baby up and has another one now. She tell people she has 1 kid.

She said that if she had said 2 then people would ask her a ton of questions and one person asked if she had kids yet while she was pregnant with #2 and when she told her story the woman told her she should give the next one up too and even tried to get her number for a couple she knew.

What if I want kids when I'm older. do I inculde the first when I tell how many kids?

Answer 1

For me, its a little different since I parent the older one and relinquished the younger one at birth.  I usually tell people who ask: "Well, technically, I have two.  Legally, I have one."  

and we have every right to be parents to future children or our older children.  relinquishing a child does not automatcally deem us unfit for motherhood ever.

Answer 2

For me it depends on who I am telling. People I meet in passing don't really need to know anything about my kids so I kinda sidestep the topic. Everyone I have a relationship with, of any kind, will be told about all three of my kids. Anyone who enters my house would know since there are pics of all three ALL over.

I can't imagine trying to hide my son from everyone. There was so much involved with having him and then loosing him and it is very much a part of who I am now. I love telling his story, how he was premature and almost died but bounced back to become the most amazing baby. I love telling about his accomplishments, how he walked at 13 months after I was warned he may not even crawl until then, how he took to breastfeeding so well and how I was pumping close to 32 oz every 4 hours while he was in the NICU (can you say moo?? LOL), all the funny things he did as a baby, all the cute things I was lucky enough to see. I love talking about him and will never be silenced completely. Just because he isn't with me doesn't mean I stopped being his mother. I am just selective about who I tell. I don't care to hear the ignorant comments and if people choose to share their rude opinions then they aren't people I want around any how.

Cute story that is my FAVORITE to share. When Justin was 16 months we were on a bus and a fire truck drove by, sirens blaring and lights flashing, he was obsessed with fire trucks and fire men. He got soooo excited and screamed out at the top of his little lungs "ook memaw!! (look mummy!!) trier f*ck!! TRIER F*CK!!!" he got his little mouth all jumbled and messed up the words, it was horrifying at the time for my baby to swear at the top of his lungs but now I can't help but giggle. I wouldn't want to never share that story with anyone. Just as I wouldn't want to keep his amazing birth a secret either.

Answer 3

That's a personal choice. You are correct that if you say you have more children people will ask about them. That may be too much information for casual acquaintances. It's a lot like if you has a miscarriage or lost a child. Usually what the person is asking is do you have any children still alive that live with you. But that's a mouth full of words so we just say do you have any kids. It is perfectly fine to leave out children that you don't connect with and simply answer what they are really asking. Yes I have 1 he or she's 2 and they live with me part time or full time. You don't need to tell about every miscarriage, abortion or adoption. Just the relevant close to you children will suffice. And don't be ashamed of any past choices. Be positive and move forward with your life. Give others a break if they have trouble talking about their family issues. Be happy and positive for the people around you it will make life easier.

Answer 4

Based on what my bmother and others have told me, that is only natural to gage your answers depending on who you are talking to.  It doesn't necessarily mean that you are denying your first born, just that you don't want to play "100 questions" with someone that you hardly know or who is close to you.  It can some times stop you in your tracks, the responses that you may get.  Of course, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks in the matter.  The only thing that matters is that you have done the best thing in regards to any children that you have.  True as they say, don't ever forget the ones that you had and relinquished or gave up for adoption.  No matter how your children came about, people will always have something stupid to say to you, mostly because they don't have a clue on the subject. and refuse to be educated on the matter.

I am an a-parent to one of my children and I also have chidren naturally.  I hate when people try to seperate my children by saying, "oh you had this one and not that one?"  Or some other insensitive version of that.  So now I don't even mention it to "everybody."  They are ALL my children regardless of how I had them.  I know it is not quite the same thing but I do understand some what, what you mean.  I hate when my birth mother doesn't acknowledge me but I do understand that she doesn't want to give her painful story every time that she introduces me so I do respect that.

To the woman who suggested your friend give up her second baby, she ought to be ashamed of herself!  You can't just go around saying stupid stuff like that to people.  She has no idea what your friend has been through.  What if your friend didn't keep her first child due to the fact that she was raped, got pregnant and couldn't get past that mentally or emotionally so she chose to put the baby up for adoption?  For all that woman knows, your friend could have her life together and in a totally different place in her life now! You shouldn't judge a person on their past.  Your friend might very well be comfortable with telling the truth when one ask and thats her business.  If she feels uncomfortable, then that is only natural.  You don't owe anyone any explanations or need for them to validate your life choices.

Answer 5

I never relinquished, but I'm adopted and know how my natural dad handled it.  He told his wife when he first met her that he has a daughter, but that he'd given her up.  With just the regular population of folks out there, he didn't tell them anything one way or the other.  If they asked, he didn't feel he needed to explain.  It was different with people to whom he expected a close relationship, like someone he was dating.  He told them.  I think you should handle how you feel comfortable depending on the person who is asking.

Answer 6

That is intirely your choice.  Some peope just dont want to go into their life story about why they couldnt keep the first baby.

Answer 7

I guess thats your choice...but legally if you put your child up for adoption then that child is no longer yours.

Answer 8

wow.. that's deep.

-my belief: no child (relinquished or parented) should be omitted.  

-my opinion of your situation: you need to make the decision you feel most comfortable with; but i sincerely hope that you don't forget the child you gave birth to. that doesn't mean, however that you have to advertise your adoption to everyone who asks.

i guess what i'll conclude with is, regardless of whatever paper you signed, you are forever that child's first mother! don't be ashamed to claim him/her!

the woman who made that comment to your friend needs to be slapped continuously for about an hour.  i'll volunteer!

Answer 9

Here are two blogs by women who have relinquished children to adoption - and have gone on to parent their remaining children -

http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/

http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/

My mother never told a sole (apart from her mother and my father) that she gave me up for adoption - she married my father 6 months after my birth - and went on to have 3 more children.

They were never told about me.

They are all now struggling with the secrets and lies.

My thoughts - this child will always be your first child. Hold your head high - and claim him/her as such - whether you keep or whether you relinquish.

Answer 10

Sometimes women who surrender a baby can't have anymore. It's called secondary infertility.

Don't take your first born for granted.

Answer 11

I know two people who could not keep their babies for certain reasons, but who still consider them their children. They go and see them every so often, and keep in touch with the adoptive parents.

Answer 12

Depending on the discussion and the situation, I say 3 or 2.  Yes, I certainly gage when it is a good idea and when it is not.  And it is my information to do with what I please.  

Since my first son is 17 years old, I have had a lot of time to think and mature.  I find myself saying simply, "I was 14 when I had my first son and so I placed him for adoption."  

That is nothing to be ashamed of, though I completely respect another mother's decision to keep her life story private.

Answer 13

thats something only you can decide.

its your life.

you live it the way that you wan to live it. <3

Answer 14

no . The first is not part of your  current life.  the first will always be in your heart.    Maybe there will be a reunion after the child is an adult.    no need to discuss this painfull subject with anyone outside of the man you may be planning to marry.  He would have the right to know.

Answer 15

I gave my daughter up for adoption at the age of 16.  And I have always said that I had her.  Just because you give your child up for someone else to raise does not mean that you did not make and carry the child.  By dna the child is yours.  I have 2 other kids and they both will know about her

Answer 16

I never told anyone I had 2 kids until after I found my bdaughter. Now, I'm torn between saying 1 or 2, it depends on who I'm talking too. My bdaughter doesn't want to be referred to as my daughter, as she has a mother. I gave birth to 2 kids but I don't 'have' 2 kids. It's actually nobody's business unless I choose to make it their business.

Answer 17

I think you should only include the child in your count if you have a relationship with him/her.  I know many people who were reunited with their child and now consider them part of the family.  But if there is no relationship I think you should not advertise that you have other children by including them in your #.

Answer 18

You include "the first" if you keep "the first".  If you give up a child for adoption, you have done just that, given it up for adoption.

I agree with your friend when she tells everybody that she HAS one child.  Because that is a correct statement.  She HAS ONLY one child.

If you give up your first child for adoption, then later if you have another child, I feel it is correct to say "I have one child".

Not "I did have two pregnancies".  It is nobody elses' business regarding the first child, and I agree with her, why go into all the questioning which is bound to come along with the admission.

To be honest, it was challenging to interpret your last line.

"do I include the first when I tell how many kids"?  Of course if you keep every child you have, then you include the first>

Is that what you meant?

Answer 19

I know that my daughter's birth mother considers my daughter her as a first child even though she has other children.

I do not agree with Maureen S. Somehow I doubt that she has placed a child of her own for adoption.

Birth mother's do not forget and they shouldn't be expected to.

Answer 20

Well, my firstmom tells people she has three kids.  Two she is raising and one she relinquished (me).  She has always been open and honest about me to everyone she knows.  In fact her husband (whom she has been married to forever) says she told him about me within the first week of knowing him.

It's nice but it's also weird because even now, it's not like I go around telling everyone I know that I'm adopted.  I don't tell people about my two mothers.  It's just not the same for me I guess.

I am pleased that she has always acknowledged me though.