How many moms are bitter about your child's choice to find their biological parents?

Question

Do u feel like it's a slap in the face when the child you've been raising your whole life go out looking for their bio parents?

Answer 1

You know, I haven't faced that issue yet. My boys are adopted and we have had the conversation about if they came from my belly and I told them that I was not able to have them in my belly so another woman kept them for me. (my boys are 5) and for now this seems to be all they need to know.

Believe me I have thought about this problem several times and it does hurt me to think that after I've put in all my love, emotions, time, etc that they will want to locate someone who truely did not want them. I'm not sure how I'll handle it. There is a HUGE part of me that hopes they won't care enough to look, that I have enough information to give them about her that they will be satisfied.

Slap in the face? I don't know. Bitter, not sure. Heartbroken and confused? YES

Answer 2

Apple,

    You seem so angry. If you feel this way about a hypothetical first family it will only get worse if you ever adopt. With these feelings of hostility you may not even pass

a homestudy. They can be intrusive and ask all the tough questions.

    I am curious as to why you want to adopt, it seems like you have a preconceived notion of first families. You say you have a child already are you wanting to adopt because of secondary infertility? This anger is coming from somewhere and if it is because of infertility you need to come to terms with that before ever considering adoption.  I apologize if that is not the case.

Answer 3

I know you posted this for Mother's who have adopted, but, as an adoptee, I thought I'd give my opinion on the matter.

It isn't about you.  We are soo, so happy that we were adopted.  We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the selfless, wonderful thing you've done for us.  But...there is always a need that comes from somewhere inside...to find out where we came from, biologically.  We have never looked like anyone else, and some traits obviously don't come from you...its a 'need to know'.  Its not because we're unhappy with our parents, its because there is something inside that yearns to discover our roots.

I met my biological Mom back in 1999.  I worried about going to my Mom about it for YEARS before actually doing it...however...my parents were always very open, and honest with me...and said that if I ever wanted to find her, they would help me.  I finally went to my Mom, and told her I needed to do it.  She was upset at first, but she understood.  That is part of being adopted!  She understood that might come up one day, and she wanted to make sure that I knew I could go through with it if I needed or wanted to.

Once I met my bio-Mom, I loved her too...but to this day (we are great FRIENDS), I don't think of her as a MOTHER type, nor would I.  The two of them met, and actually thanked each other for the wonderful gift they were both given.  Not only that, it makes me that much more thankful, for my precious Mom to have taken care of me as her own all these years.  She passed away in 2006, and its a wound I will never recover from.

But, I just wanted to say that you should not think of it as a slap in the face if your child wants to locate biological family members.  Its a 'need' that you could never understand, unless you're adopted.

Big Hugs to all

Answer 4

not many most are pretty cool

Answer 5

My bio parents and my adoptive parents are all my parents, but in different ways, and I need them in different ways.

My adoptive parents are my mom and dad. They have been there for most of my life and hopefully will be for a lot longer.

My bio parents have only just come back into my life. I want to keep them in my life to keep up with my medical history, learn more about my social history and because they are nice people. I want their children (my half-siblings) to grow up knowing about me because we're biologically related and I think thats important.

But my adoptive parents fulfil many roles that my bio parents can't not. My bio parents could have been my parents in every sense of the word, but they chose not to be. They are still part of my life, since they created me, but they are not my only parents.

If adoptive parents feel bitter about their children's choice to find their bio parents, they never should have adopted in the first place. It is an issue that comes with adopting children and the adoptees have to be able to have that option and not be guilt-tripped either way.

My adoptive parents can't provide my medical, social and biological history.

My bio parents can't reminisise about my childhood.

Both aspects are important roles and I, just like everyone else, want (and deserve) both types of parents in my life.

Answer 6

So you'd rather "your" child suffer from pain, feelings of abandonment and loss, depression, anxiety, etc. all because you refuse to support them and help them become whole, healthy human beings due to your petty jealousy and insecurity?

Pathetic.

Answer 7

My daughter is only two, but I plan to offer whatever help and support I can give her if and when she decides to search.  There is no bitterness here...just a heart full of love and compassion and empathy for both my daughter and her biological mom...my daughter for the family relationships she will have to miss out on and for her mom because I am the one who gets to raise this incredible human being.  (And I am not trying to say nyah nyah, just acknowledging the incredible responsiblity and honor I have been given)

Would you deny your step or half child access to their biological parents (assuming there is no abuse or anything like that)?  Would you feel bitter about that?  An AP should not feel bitter that there is another mom/family in the picture...when you sign on to adopt as an AP, then you are agreeing to embrace whatever comes with this child.  If there is bitterness about this, then maybe you shouldn't adopt.

Answer 8

No.  I think it is very normal and natural for adoptees to want to search out their other family.  It doesn't mean that your child loves you any less or is any less your child because of this.

I know you're getting some harsh criticism here, but I do think it's a good idea to talk about whatever feelings or insecurities you're having, before you make the decision to adopt.  You're doing the right thing by asking questions.  I hope you are also reading books and doing other research to back this up.  

Good luck.

Answer 9

My children are still very young, but I definetly don't think it'll be " a slap in the face" if they choose to search for their first-mothers. It'll have nothing to do with how my children feel about me, but a desire to learn about their biological roots, and where they came from.

  Infact, I really hope they do decide to search (though it'll totally be their choice). They were adopted internationally, so we have very little information to give them about their bio-families. My husband and I plan to help them in anyway we can, and give them our full support.

Answer 10

Your questions give the impression  that you are not ready to adopt.  You are thinking more about your wants, your feelings than those of any child you might adopt.  As long as you put you first, you aren't going to be a good parent.  

For the record, I don't know how my adoptive mom felt deep down, but I know she told me that she was very, very excited for me (indeed, she acted more excited for my reunion than I felt).  She is very interested and asks questions about it.  But I can't speak to how she really feels, only what she tells me.  Whatever she's feeling deep down, she clearly wants me to be happy and know that she wants what's best for me.

Answer 11

My Mom didn't see it as a slap in the face at all - in fact she positively supported my decision to find the truth of my origins and it has made us much closer as a result of her unconditional love for me.

Wanting to know where you came from has absolutely no bearing on the love we feel toward our adoptive parents.  None.

I love and adore my Moms - both of them.

Answer 12

As much as I hate to admit it, I am hurt that my son wants to meet his original mother. I am not bitter though and I will help him when he is ready. I kept his Grandfather's obituary and also have a copy of his original Birth Certificate to help him find his family.

I don't see it as a slap in the face though. She is a part of my son. But, I am very concerned for him. I am afraid that he will be rejected by her because of the contact I have had with her.

Answer 13

My amom died when I was 14. Her LAST WORDS were directed to me "Andrea, please find your real mom and thank her for letting me raise you." I am dead serious, as was she.

That my friend is a d**n good AP, unlike what you will be if you hold on to nothing but these insecurities and jealous feelings.

Answer 14

The one's that are bitter will most oftenly not express it, verbally that is. Great question but don't expect the many bitter a-parents to admit it.

The number 1 reason I hear, for the bitterness is "I raised the child and you lost your right as a biological mother". I guess their time and energy is more important than the emotional welfare of a child.

Answer 15

I'll be honest, I do not think it is a "slap in my face" but I am nervous about the possiblity of her trying to take my place.  I love my son with all my heart, I would give my life for him.  He doesn't know the circumstance of the whole adoption, he knows he is adopted, we have tried an open adoption (if you review my questions you will understand), but she does not want to try to establish a relationship.

So here I am willing to give everything to my son, and she was not.  She lost custody due to neglect, selfiness, etc.  All she had to do was get a job and do classes for 5 years, yes over 5 years the state tried to work with her and finally they terminated rights.  She was not even willing to give time to her children, she wasn't willing to feed them, or clean the house.

Now I do not tell him all this, I just explain that she loved him but could not be a good parent.  She is part of my family, so I know there will be contact, so maybe that will be easier, when he gets older he will see first hand.  

What worries me is the lies she may tell, like "oh I was a great mom, etc. etc." when she wasn't.  I am his mother and my worry is that after he is raised then she will want to step forward and take the place as the mother.

But truth, I know this will not happen, it is just a worry in my head.  My son and I have a really good open relationship, even at age 5 he is a smart little boy and talks to me about the things in life.

Answer 16

NO.  My children will never have to look.  My oldest is in contact with her First Family.  They email back and forth quite often.  In two weeks DD's First Family will all be driving up here from Florida.  We are all very excited!

You see, First Parents are just as important to children as their Adoptive Parents.  Its not a competition.  The more people to love the child the better off the child is.  Adoption is all about the child and what the feels.

Answer 17

You are not the child's mother.  The mother is the woman who gave birth to the child.  Also in the case of surrogacy.  The woman who gives birth to the child is the child's real mother.  You did not make the child.  Therefore you shouldn't call the child your son or your daughter because they are not.  Your more like a foster parent.  

"...Nor has He made your adopted sons your (biological) sons.  Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths.  But Allah tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way.  Call them by (the names of) their fathers; that is juster in the sight of Allah.  But if you know not their father's (names, call them) your brothers in faith, or your trustees.  But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein.  (What counts is) the intention of your hearts.  And Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful." (Qur'an 33:4-5)

Answer 18

I'm not a mom, but I know that everyone does it for different reasons.  My papa was adopted and unsuccessfully attempted to contact his biological parents.  His reason was he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and being a doctor, he knew he needed to warn any male siblings that it does run in the family.  Like I said, he never found them, but, by chance, my cousin found what we believe is his sister.  I also think it helped her because she was able to understand more of her mother and the "sadness" she always seemed to carry with her.  All that I know, is that everyone does it for different reasons, so I wouldn't take it to heart.  Maybe you should ask why they need to do so?

Answer 19

It may seem that way, but then again they are probably looking for answers-things they may think about ever so often and some how need them to be confirmed or answered. Before trying to move on with their lives??? The best thing is to talk. I would love to adopt but thats what i am scared of. I would love to try and make someones life a little better by giving them love and a stable home. But am afraid of them hating me later on in life-or throwing anything in my face like saying why do i have to listen to you-your not my mom. I hope all is ok at the end!

Answer 20

You're expecting honesty?  Too much!

Besides, 'bitter' is a word for ADOPTEES, not adoptors!

My parents were p.o.ed, but they got over it.  I think they thought they'd signed a lifetime contract for my services, but I never signed anything!

They still don't mention my mother to me, or ask about her.  How's that for compassion and courtesy?  Over 20 years of reunion, yet no acknowledgment of the 'woman who gave birth to you'.  I guess that would be 'bitter'.

Adoption, you gotta love it!