How much accountability should first parents own for their part in making an adoption plan.?

Question

ETA- not interested in adopting again.

Answer 1

It depends upon the era in which the adoption occurred.  In the fifties, sixties seventies, and as late as the eighties, women were coerced by society, the parents and even the fathers.  Just read the "Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler.  

The more recent mothers that I know do take responsibility of their actions.  They look back and see tactics that were coercive.  I know one mother and her parents were forced to sign an agreement that they would pay back the agency if she changed her mind.  Interestingly enough she was a legal adult so her parents would not be held accountable.  Coercion still exists.

Answer 2

They should be completely accountable for any plan they make and any papers they sign.  That being said, just because a mother makes a plan, doesn't mean she has to follow it.  That's why it's called a "plan".  However, once the mother has signed relinquishment papers, and the waiting period is over, she also has to take accountability/responsibility for that decision.  

While I feel pity for mothers who have "no good choices", I still feel like they have to take responsibility for what they do.  Even the "Girls who went away" made a choice, and they should stop pretending they didn't.  They CHOSE to not be thrown out on the street with an infant they couldn't feed.  I'm not saying society should be structured to where those are the only two choices (being starving and homeles or relinquishment), but the truth is, even if your choices stink, once you make a choice you have to stop claiming someone did it TO you.  Except in a very few number of instances where rape was involved, no one held a gun to your head and FORCED you to have s*x, and no one held a gun to your head and FORCED you to hand over the baby.  Claiming otherwise only diminishes your own character - it's saying you weren't strong enough to know what you wanted.  

These days the choices are not nearly so grim.  Anyone who says they were bullied into giving their child away wasn't ready to be a mother anyway.  You often have to be able to stand up to a very large amount of bullying to get what your child needs in this world - mothers can't be wimps.  

While I think people really ought to be more careful about getting pregnant, sometimes things happen.  If you aren't ready to raise your child, adoption is a respectable choice to make.  It is a hard choice because it does include a sacrifice of your body for nine-months and almost always includes pain after the seperation.  Yet a mother who looks in the mirror and says that the pain is worth it because her baby deserves more than she can provide (or is ready to provide) is a true mother.  She is putting her child first, and that's what mothers are supposed to do.  Every ache she feels is only more evidence of how muh she loved the child, and how committed she was to being the best mother she could at the time.  

However, it is impossible to respect a woman who claims she was weak enough to give her own baby to strangers just because someone else told her to.  Until you relinquish, that child is YOURS, it is a child YOU made, and you have a God given responsibility to do what is best for that baby.  That means the child trusted you to do the right thing - if you truly let yourself be coerced into relinquishing and now say that wasn't the right thing, you are basically accusing yourself of child neglect.  You are saying you were a bad parent!  Thus, if you claim coercion, your child deserved a better mother and hopefully that is what he/she got.

Answer 3

I am not a birth mom- but I am an adoptee and has adopted 2 children-  I spent time with my son and daughter's birth moms before they were born- and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that they both had a HUGE part in making the adoption plan- they were both offered counseling to be sure that they wanted to continue in the process- and they both were so sure that they chose not to go to counseling- they picked us parents- we were not forced on her.  And our son's birth mom wanted to have continued contact through the years with us, and just last year or 19 year son met her and his birth family.

Answer 4

This question bugs the heck out of me.  It makes it sound like the naive actions of first parents aren't being held accountable.  Absolutely false and if you need any evidence of that, take a look at the answers given to his question.  The amount of harsh opinions given about first mothers is almost always prevalent.

If there is a first mother discussing regret or anger at what happened regarding her adoption plan or relinquishment, I bet you dollars to doughnuts that she likely holds herself mostly responsible for what happened.  Just because she speaks out against those that helped in creating that situation doesn't mean that she isn't internally bearing the burden of accountability.

Answer 5

Didn't you know they were all coerced with guns pointed at their head?

Seriously, if someone came up to you and told you to give them their car, because THEY thought it was the best thing you could do, whose fault would it be if you handed over the keys?

Answer 6

An adoption plan is all up to the birth parents, They can pick and choose and change their mind if they choose to do so and there is nothing an adoptive family can do to change that.  This is their child they are trying to find the perfect parents for.  In the end all adoptive parents can do is pray and keep positive.

If you have had a lot of disappointment's trying to do a private adoption I want to let you know there is a much better chance to adopt through your state.  You most likely won't be able to get a newborn but there are still thousands of great children waiting for forever homes.

Answer 7

What do you mean by accountability?  If first parents change their mind, they can do so.

Answer 8

I'm not sure what you mean by accountability, but I had a huge part in making our adoption plan, as did the adoptive parents.  I suppose you could even say I made the plan, and they agreed to it.  Can you please clarify how 'accountability' has anything to do with this?

Answer 9

That would depend how ethical or shady the agency was, how much coercion went on and if they received any therapy. Making such a monumental and emotional choice without having a clear head can cause mistakes to be made.