How much influence should Grandparents have on Birth mother's adoption decision?

Question

I have a pregnant nineteen year old daughter. After learning the "Baby's Daddy" has no interest in assistance I started to discuss adoption with her. At first she quickly said no!

I went on to give many examples of single women that struggle financially and emotionally with their kids. Then I gave some examples of kids who grew up in single parent homes while begging her to reconsider. I reminded her of her ambition to go back to beauty school for additional licensing are Esthetic Cosmetology.

After that we discussed her ability to make commitments. Boyfriends, friends and her charming personality often come and go. I believe this baby is drug free, however past drug can return at any time.

I feel that she still have several years before having an adult mind. The issue today is what is best for the infant. Two strong parents are better than one. She is now strongly leaning towards adoption. My wife let know my advice was parent pressure and resents me. Daughter seems OK

Answer 1

"Two strong parents are better than one."

then why do we praise single parents who adopt?

if she said "no", respect that!

Answer 2

I think your wife is correct, and that you are putting unfair pressure on your daughter to make this decision.   Your daughter is not 14 or 15, she is legally an adult who has the right to make her own decision about this.  

She has three options:  abortion, adoption, or keep the baby.  She should be educated about the pluses and minuses of all three options, and allowed to decide for herself which is best.  And as her father, you should support her and help her with whatever she decides.  If you force her to give up her child, she may never forgive you.

And incidentally, I am an adoptive parent myself who is very pro-adoption.  But not if it involves coercion.

Answer 3

Wow i can see you are trying to do the best for your daughter but i think that you are very wrong.  Being a single parent (I was) is not the end of the world.  Yes two parents are ideal - but many marriages end and some are full of violence and verbal abuse.

Being a parent makes most of us mature real quickly, have faith that your daughter will make a good parent, especially with you and your wife help.

How would your daughter feel in a couple of years knowing that she has a child out there - and not being part of her life.  

I hope that you are not pressuring your daughter towards adoption because you cant handle her being a single parent.

It is not the end of your daughters future aspirations - most of us have a strong bond with our child, a very good career and support ourselves and our child quite well.  You know she can attend university and put the child in day care.

Answer 4

Forcing someone to create a plan to adopt their baby to someone is wrong. While giving information about it as an option is acceptable, forcing isn't.  Your daughter may seem OK but may not really be.  Like it or not, she has the right to choose to parent her child if she chooses and there isn't much you can say about it if she does.

Answer 5

As long as your daughter is making this decision on her own, I don't see a problem.  If she was marrying a man who was horrible, you'd pressure her for that too.  However, keep in mind that you're treating her as a child, and she may later blame you for her decision if she decides to put her child up for adoption.  Since she will be continuing the pregnancy regardless of her decision, perhaps family counseling with her and your wife would be appropriate.  Your wife may need to talk about her feelings in a more neutral location.  She may be feeling that you are trying to take her grandchild away. Your employer may have  confidential free counseling, or it could be covered by your health care.  Good luck.

Answer 6

Children will say and do anything to please their dad, you have been her primary caregiver and so she thinks you are right. You should be counseling her to keep her baby unless you are fully prepared for the aftermath. Giving your baby away is a hurt that never heals, she will pay for your decision and it is your decision, since you have been talking her into it, for the rest of her life. Yes, she is young, but you can help her and I don't mean become your grandchild's full support but be there for her. She made a mistake by getting pregnant don't compound the mistake by taking her baby away.

AND....obviously the people who think you are right, have never ever been through the turmoil and h**l of giving up a baby. How can you take advice from people who have never lived through giving away a baby. These people are ignorant.

Answer 7

My first mom was pressured by her mother to relinquish me.  She had big plans.  After relinquishing me, she was so devastated, she scrapped those plans, married a man that treated her badly, and had four children in order to try to replace me.  She spent 36 years miserable for having relinquished me.

Your advice was pressure.  And your daughter may very well come to resent you later for it.

Just letting you know what my first mom's experience was.  

(By the way, there is no evidence, given on how her life turned out after relinquishing me, and how my life turned out, that I would have been worse off with her.  Indeed, the loss of her affected me very deeply for my entire life.  You may, through your "advice" simply have harmed two individuals that you should have been helping.)

ETA: My first mom was 19 when she had me.

Answer 8

I can't believe some of these answers... Honestly, you have no 'right' to coerce her into making a decision she obviously did not want from the getgo.

It is one thing to tell her options, to give her examples but in a way you're doing it one-sided, unfairly & not giving the negatives/positives from ALL sides.  Who cares if 'baby-daddy' ain't in the picture...many single mothers make it out there every day & SUCCEED.  Instead of looking at it so negatively if you want what's in the best interest of the child why don't you be the one to show her that you support her NO matter what she decides.  That she can depend on you when she doesn't feel like she can turn to anybody else.

I'm not saying that she should use you as a crutch or that somebody shouldn't intervene if drugs or abuse is in that child's life but it's obvious she wanted to keep her baby.  You're the one that needs to stop being so selfish.  I know that you might think it's best but is it really?  After you truly weigh out FAIRLY all her options then make an informed decision but do not decide for her.  She only seems okay because you're already brainwashing her.

Answer 9

i understand where you are coming from on the aspects of things she will probably not accomplish or even get to do, but as a teenage mother, being a single mom does not mean that you cannot provide for that child like a normal household. Sure, there are a lot fo cases where children do not get as much love and compassion coming from a single parent household, but she is an adult and this is something you should not try to force her to do- which it really does sound like you are pushing on her. From right now on,let her make that decision... if she wants to place the child up for adoption then that is great, if she want to keep the child then that is great too. but do not assume that a single parent cannot handle the responsibilites that come with being a parent.

Answer 10

You have given her your input. Now maybe it's time to stand back and let her make her own decision. It takes a strong person to give a child up for adoption. You may not like how strong she becomes. If she has struggles with her decision I doubt she will come to you if you were an instrumental force in making that decision. She will suffer in silence. I gave a child up and for 28 years I had a huge whole in my heart. You may want to read up on the affects this decision has on both baby and mother. If you think just being pregnant can ruin her promissing future, you need to know what can happen after relinquishment, whether she becomes successful or not.

I say have the baby, bring him/her home and if your daughter can't handle it, go from there. Would it be easier for you if the baby's father was more involved and then died? She would still be a single parent. Lots of women mature with becomming a mother. Fathers have been known to come around too. I have to agree with your wife, your input is parent pressure and although I do understand your concern for your daughter and the child, I think in her state your daughter is in a scarred,hormonal tizzy and your not helping.

BTW, how do you feel about your grandchild never having an original birth certificate, access to his/her medical history, or ancestory information?

Answer 11

grandparents have every right to intervene in their children's lives, despite what the child may want at the time. You did the right thing in assisting her with her decision, the only problem that would be there is if you were insisting adoption rather than assisting and allowing her to make her own decision on what she wanted to do. Then if she choose to keep it, you could have just as well helped her manage the child if she needed the help, otherwise i think you decision was right, it is hard to raise a child as a single parent.

Answer 12

To be honest, if you have no idea of the emotional impact to women who relinquish their children for adoption on all parts of their lives, nor the impact of being relinquished for adoption does the child, you really had no business pressuring her in the way that you did.

You are her father and your role is to protect her.  It's quite likely she will not see it as being protected when in essence you have systematically character attacked her into doing what you think is best instead of helping her realize the impact of either choice (parenting or adoption) and helping her rise to the challenge of either.

Two links for you:

Evan B Donaldson study on Protecting the Rights and Well-being of Birthparents (so that you can read for yourself what she is likely in for by relinquishing her child for adoption)

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publica...

Concerned United Birthparents - What you should know when considering relinquishing your child for adoption.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

If you truly feel adoption is the better choice for your daughter to consider, than you need to do better than character assassination.  Society does well enough on that front as it is without having Dad doing it as well.

Answer 13

Discussing all of the options is good, it looks like she made a mistake and should give the baby up for adoption so she can achieve her dreams I'm 18 and I would give my baby up for adoption if it happened to me.

Answer 14

hi dad...

boy, your story rings remarkably familiar to mine.  i was 19, i was in college, and i was with a guy who was "not the best father-material."  similar to your case, it was my father who suggested that i place my son. that decision turned into a 16 year-long journey filled with heart-ache, resentment, guilt and anger.

i did not place my son, in the end.  but during the process, i was constantly reminded how "horrible" my child's life would be if i kept him.  i was told that i would never reach my dreams, and that i was not "mature enough" to be a mother. my mother, was very silent on the issue. yet, informed me of how she and my father vehemently disagreed on the adoption decision, several years later.

two weeks before his birth, i changed my mind. the adoption agency hounded me, threatened me with reporting to CYS and basically made my life a living h**l. ironically, it was my father who told them to stop calling the house and to leave me alone.  

to this day, our relationship is permanently fragmented, based solely on that situation. the guilt he feels is insurmountable. my pain has driven me to become an advocate for ethical adoption. we have sought therapy, but that only allowed us to mourn that time in my life when our relationship was changed.

what i'm saying is that although you might think your actions are helping her out, if she is not 100% on board, it could really wreck your relationship with your daughter. my father, loves me and i love him.  but there will always be that little voice that said, "he actually wanted me to give up my kid!"

by the way, i finished college, completed a master's degree and will have an earned doctorate in 2009. and i didn't have to give up my child to do it.  not so bad for an inmature single mom, heh???

i also disagree that adoption guarantees "two strong parents." the divorce rate is 50%.  and adoptive parents are not excluded from that figure.  in addition, what's best for the infant...i mean YOUR GRANDCHILD, IMHO is to be with his/her mother, and get lots of kisses from grandpa.

please reconcider....

peace

ps.  posters trolling for your grandchild to "complete their family" really don't give a c**p about you, your daughter nor your grandchild. wanna see how much these "loving people" care?  just stick around and read some of their answers in reference to "birthmothers" and "first families."  in other words, your daughter is nothing more than a breeder to most of these people...and it's utterly disgusting how some people will take your difficult situation and think, "hey, here's an opportunity that benefits ME!" a young lady emailed me a few days ago, in tears because (against our advice) she responded to an email for her baby.  about 10 people were clammering for her baby, until she revieved the baby is bi-racial.  then they all disappeared. so much for 'loving parents.'  

please do not respond to any poster looking for a baby.

Answer 15

Yes, I think you are putting undue pressure on her to give her baby up for adoption, albeit with the very best of intentions. This is NOT what she needs right now, because, if she follows your advice she could regret it for the rest of her life. I speak as the mother of a much-loved adopted son, but I know that not a day goes by when his birth mother doesn't think about him and wonder how he is. Do you want to condemn your daughter to that?

       If you were talking about termination it might be different , though still difficult. You are asking your daughter to carry this child for 9 months, hold it in her arms and then just give it away. Only a man could suggest such a thing.

        What your daughter badly needs, at this point in time, is independent counselling and advice, from a professional who is not emotionally involved with her.

           And have you considered that this may turn out to be your only grandson/granddaughter? I'm sure you will not show her this as you have your own agenda but you should. You are not the best person to help her at this time, however much you love her and however good your intentions.She can go to Beauty School later on. She may well decide to have her baby adopted but it has to be HER decision.Not yours.

Answer 16

Discussing her options is good. Giving her room to make decisions on her own is very good. Pressuring her or forcing her to do things your way....very very bad.

While you were "discussing" her options and giving her all kinds of examples of single mothers on the low social economical scale of things, did you also give her examples of single parents at the other end of the spectrum?

Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'donell, single moms.

Superior Court Judge Patricia Clemings. Pretty un-trailer trash title, single mom.

RN Jamie A. RN Lisa W. Ob/ GYN Paula C. again all single moms by circumstances.

Point is, this must be her decision. Without you forcing her one way or another. If she wants to go on to become a very successfull esthician, she will.

A baby is not a death sentence.

Adoption is also not a guarentee of a happy childhood for your grandbaby. Adoptees tend to be at a higher risk of being abused. I was one. I was also "refunded" - tossed into the system of foster care when my aparents no longer wanted me.

I'm also a birthmorther. As a birthmother I can tell you that nothing will ever heal the hole left in your daughters heart after adoption. Time doesn't always heal a broken heart.

Let this be HER decision. Your job as a parent is to guide and counsel her, but also to love her unconditionally, and to help her.

Answer 17

Your daughter is 19.. that means she can have a job and support herself.

No you should not pressure her to relinquish.. those who don't think it's the right thing for them but do it anyways are MUCH more likely to regret the decision their entire lives.. do you really want your daughter (and her child) to have a lifetime of regret..

It's good to discuss all her options with her and give your advice.. but stop there.. your daughter CAN make it as a single mother.. MANY women do, and finish college (albeit sometimes a bit slower) and get good jobs..

I say you've definitely made your point to her.. now be a good parent and let her make the decision and SUPPORT Her.. HELP her in whatever that decision is..

If she truly is not a fit mother, if she starts using drugs again...this will become clearly evident very quickly.. at THAT point you and social services can step in..

But give her a chance!! HELP her make it work as a mother..

Answer 18

I would strongly advise you to do some research before you decide that such pressure is appropriate.  I'm going to put this bluntly.  You are talking about permanently tossing a family member (your grandchild) out of your family.  Adoption is forever.  It's not just someone raising your child for you until you're a little older.

My first dad spent 35 years waiting for me to come back after he relinquished me for adoption.  He had no idea the incredible pain that would linger.

You've told your daughter stories about people who've had it tough as single parents.  She also needs to know that there are plenty of successful single families.  Adoption will NOT guarantee a couple for your grandchild.  Even if s/he is adopted by a couple, there is no guarantee whatsoever that this couple will remain married.  The divorce rate in the U.S. is astronomical, and people are far from immune just because they adopt.

Plenty of parents finish school and raise their children.  

Consider, too, that if you pressure your daughter into giving away her own flesh and blood, she may never forgive you -- and you may never forgive yourself.  

Please take the time to research and consider some alternatives.  If this was something your daughter really wanted to do, you wouldn't have had to talk her into it.  Sure, she seems OK at the time.  Many young people seem OK after their parents have convinced them of something because they become resigned to it.  It doesn't mean they are truly OK with it, however.  

There is so, so much more to this than a cut and dry 'give up your child and go on with your life.'  That's great for movies (Juno) but it's not the common reality.

Visit some Websites like http://www.cubirthparents.org

and http://www.origins-usa.net to find out how women who've relinquished feel, especially if they were 'talked into' relinquishment.  One does not forget one's child.  Your wife is right.

Answer 19

Being a single teenage parent is not easy, but it does not automatically mean you are doomed for a life of failures and welfare. If your daughter is determined to be a good mom, then she will be. She does not have to give up going to school. It just might take her longer.

I was 17 when I got pregnant for my son. His father’s parents tried to pressure me into having an abortion. They made it sound like they were looking out for me because I had some other health issues, but when I refused to abort my child, they took it upon themselves to contact an adoption agency. I still resented what they did. I have tried to get over it, but it isn’t easy. They have been wonderful to my son though and he will not know how they originally felt. Thankfully, my Mother was completely supportive. Even though I made her a Grandma when she was less than 40.

My son was born on the day I was supposed to graduate High School. I had to quit due to complications of my pregnancy. I went onto get my GED and go to college. It may not have been the college of my dreams, but I got my degree, so that is what matters the most. I work at a job I love (most days) and I now have three children.

So many people think that the kids born to single parents are doomed to a life of poverty and failure. My oldest son is currently a Freshman at a great University. He is planning on being a special education teacher. He had scholarships to cover the majority of his schooling.

We may not be rich, but we are comfortable. And most important, we are together.

Answer 20

I think you did a responsible thing. Just make sure she knows you will support her in whatever HER decision is.

Answer 21

She has to make the decision, and although you can give her all the options available, if you strong arm her into a decision, you'll end up regretting it, because even though she might seem alright now, she could grow to regret the decision, and the 2 of you need to be closer now, not on opposite ends.  She's made a mistake and needs help and love, not judgement.  

Adoption is a form of love on all sides, and sometimes, it's knowing that the baby will have a better life than what she can give it.  

When we adopted our son, we did it through someone we'd actually met through a friend, they moved in with us, and we've given them the option of seeing the baby, which they did at first, but no longer.  The dad's mom does have contact, and she is welcome.  You might encourage her to do something like that with someone she can trust.  An agency will advise her about open adoption, however, they also advise their clients that there is little legal recourse.

We'd love to adopt another child, and have home studies, and would do an open adoption with your family, if that is what she chooses.  Please contact me!  The baby would have what is now a 6 month old brother, and a 19 year old brother!  Take care, and preserve your family ties, as she's going to need you.  I also advise her to talk to a support group of adoptive birthmoms.

Answer 22

You are doing what any loving, caring responsible parent ought to do:  teaching.  You want  your daughter to learn as much from example that she can, rather from hard experience.  In this case, it won't be just her experience, but that of an innocent, helpless child, too.  It is a hard choice to have to make, but I believe that you are doing the right thing.  Pressuring is not the same as threatening.  You are trying to convince your daughter to do the right thing.  Perhaps your wife is on some level desiring a grand-child or just having another baby around?  This is pretty common with us gals--even if we don't admit it; the kids grow up and we miss taking care of babies.  Keep up your good parenting and best of luck to all of you.

Answer 23

Please don’t beat yourself up for giving your daughter what I feel is uninformed advice.

Adoption is not the cure-all, win-win situation that is seems.  You mentioned that ‘two strong parents’ are better than one.  There is NO better place for your grandchild to grow up than with his MOTHER.  She cannot be replaced by anyone else.

I was given up at birth by my 21 yr. old mother in the early 60s.  My father would not marry her (regretted it later) and during that era in our country’s history, there was no other choice.  I was adopted by a couple who had suffered from many miscarriages.  I don’t believe they were equipped to raise an adopted child.  I think I was a disappointment, because I was not theirs.  Meanwhile my mother was devastated by the loss of me, and went on with her life; but she never really recovered from this profound loss.  We have been in reunion for 20 years, but both of us morn the loss of 22 years as mommy & daughter together.  Check out these mother’s feelings about the loss of their children:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks3P59z5g...

You mentioned that your daughter wants to go to school—in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that she graduates at say, 25 instead of 23?  So what if it takes a little longer?  You also mentioned that you’re worried about her being a single mother.  Did you know that Bill Clinton & Barak Obama were both raised by single mothers?  Check this out this:

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFamily...

There are no adoptees running for president, or who have VERY successful lives*.  There's alot of emotional damage done. Adoptees make up 2% of the population yet over-represent in residential treatment centers and our nation’s prisons.  We have higher rates of addiction, suicide, and depression.  We suffer from identity issues, fears of abandonment, and genealogical bewilderment.

Here are some links to articles you should read.  The adoption agencies usually have ‘the floor’ without any opposing views (and remember they want the 20-30K they will earn from the ‘gift’ of your grandchild) from those who have actually LIVED adoption.  They will tell you that your daughter can have an ‘open’ adoption.  Not only are these not enforceable, most adoptive parents close them right after the adoption is final.  You might never see your grandchild again.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...