How much should I put up with?

Question

My husband and I have only been married for 8 months but we've been together for almost 5 years. Things were good until we had our son last Feb. We are both young but I've taken on all the responsibility of being a full time mom! He was excited about the baby at first but for the past few months he has been going over to his friends house atleast 4-5 times a week. He's either working, has company over or he's out...And I recently found out he has been smoking pot. I have always been against this and he knows that. But he hid it from me for a long time and then we made a deal to limit his usage to once a month. That didn't last--this month alone, he's smoked atleast 12-15 times...

I finally decided to kick him out when I found out he stole money from me and bought more. But I'm so upset. A huge part of me wants him to be around but I know I have to do whats right for my son. I keep hoping that he grows up and decides to come home but what if that doesn't happen? We started dating at ages 14 and 16...So obviously we lost our virginity to eachother, we were eachothers first loves, and we learned so much about life together. I miss him so much and its really hard not to give in but I just want him to be who he use to be?

What should I do? Should I keep giving in or try to stay strong--how many chances does one guy deserve? But what if he doesn't come back? Please help me figure out what to do. Thank you

Answer 1

Its always difficult with a kid, but you're right, he shouldnt be having that type of habit now that he's a father.  It is a HUGE adjustment though, going from marriage to kid in under a year, so I kind of understand that too.  He's trying to live the single life because he knows that its over and he still wants that.  The fact that you guys have been committed at such a young age plays into that as well, he wants to "sow his wild oats," but he doesnt really have a choice here.  His priorities changed (or should have) the moment he said I do, and even more so now that you have a kid.  Talk it out with him and let him know he's not "chained down" from doing ANYTHING, but there are SOME things he shouldnt be doing, if he asks why, tell him he has a responsibility to you as his other half (you are ONE in marriage) and also to his son, its NOT about him anymore and he should really accept that.  It's not gonna happen overnight, but as long as he shows signs of trying I would stick it out a while longer.  If he tries and then goes binge smoking, then he needs to try harder, because its not like he's supposed to be "rewarded" after not doing it at all or as much for a while.  He needs to lay off that stuff, otherwise his son is gonna turn out the same way, unless you leave him.  I would ask him to seek counseling for the addiction, hopefully he agrees to it.

Answer 2

Hi

When kids "arrive" the "game" changes.

You seem to know that, he does not.

Your situation, is why parents worry so much...

You need a mature man.

If he wants to go out with his friends, smoke dope, well those are his choices, but he still has financial and moral obligations to you and his child.

He seems to be unable to keep commitments/promises he makes.

He is not honest with you.

Very bad signs, (He is old enough to be able to do these things).

I suggest, no more chances that include having him move back in with you.

Talk, maybe see a counsellor, but before you allow him to move in with you he must "prove" he can be the man needed to care for his family.

Harsh, I know, but as I said above, life is more serious now, and you have a child to protect.

So between you, maybe with input from a counsellor, find out what his true desire with regard to you and his child are.

Do not let him live with you.

Allow him to meet with you and his child, but i suggest, not in your home.

He may "seduce" you away from your commitment.

If he will not buy into a plan like this, which requires him to demonstrate his commitment to his responsibilities (and hopefully love), then he is not mature enough to be a husband and father.

You will need to let him go.

Maybe he needs special help.

Support him, but letting him back into the house, unproven, is probably not going to give you what you desire.

Be strong, it is the cycles of hope and disappointment that drain us.

So the sooner you and he resolve this the better.

Then you will be able to get on with living, either together or apart.

G/L

Answer 3

I think that you should think long hard cool collect and call your best friend for advice

Answer 4

You've done the right thing.  You don't want this type of activity around your child.  He has to grow up or you have to move on without him.  He deserves a chance IF he goes into rehab and kicks drugs altogether.  It's really bad when they start stealing, but the rationale is that it's not stealing because you're married and what's yours is his and what's his is yours, but when it comes to drugs, that's BS.  He either gets cleaned up or you go on with your life without him.  You will find a better guy if he doesn't kick the habit, don't worry.  No matter what, if he keeps in contact with you, keep determined not to let him back into your life until he's clean, don't even go with visitation until he's clean.  If he does come back, don't give into once a month, it should be NEVER.

Good Luck, I hope you get what you are looking/hoping for.

Answer 5

If he started stealing money from you that's not a good sign. Are you sure he didn't graduate to something more heavy than pot. You have to choose it's either your baby or chasing around your husband to help you and keep him away from drugs. I'm sorry to tell you this but welcome to becoming a sigle income family/mother. Good luck.

Answer 6

Love never fails. Above all things keep your marriage alive. Invite him to come home and talk seriously about turning things around. Involve him with the baby and home activities. Goofing off with buds and co-workers are things that single guys do. Like it or not you have to be a partial mother type figure to him and let him know he has an obligation primarily to the family. If he loves you he will listen and you will see changes, but keep in mind guys like to play so keep him on a fairly short leash most of the time with occasional days to go out and play.

Answer 7

I feel for you truely and will pray for you.  Please start attending alanon, the group will help you greatly.  Addiction in the family makes the whole family suffer and also become confused and messed up. Just sit and listen for three groups at least.  This is fighting for your family. He is not sweating it cause he keeps himself high alot.  alcohol  is also a drug too.  You need to understand just what your up against---you'll learn there.  One young fellow attending a group I went to, said he goes to remind himself what he put his family thru so to remind himself he doesn't ever want to use.Look online for Alanon 800 number for your area

Answer 8

you have to stay strong for your child. what your doing is right even if it feels wrong. and just remember when hes sorted his self out if he really loves you he will come back but you should be the one to invite him back not the other way around. and if if he truly loves you and wants his family to work he will change for your family.

Answer 9

This is tough because it sounds like you guys got serious very young.  He probably feels like he missed out on some things.  I can really understand how he feels, but he has a family now and needs to be more responsible.  I suggest that you guys get some marriage counseling.  He may not realize how his actions are hurting you.  You guys do need to make some compromises though and you both need to be more adult.

Answer 10

I am so sorry.  But if he puts hanging out with friends and smoking pot ahead of his wife and children he is no parent or husband.  I think you did the right thing by kicking him out and I hope you have a support system(family and friends to help you).  I am not saying that he can't change, but he will have to show you over the long haul.  But you can't put your life on hold and wait for him to change.  For now focus on your child and yourself.  Good luck!!!!

Answer 11

If he doesn't grow up and come back, you will move on and find happiness with someone else. It's not the end of the world. You took a risk of being with someone who is still growing, maturing and exploring; the thing is, people don't necessarily grow in the ways we want them to - everyone has a different path. A young guy experimenting with pot is not an unusual thing. Obviously, it's impossible to predict if this is just a "phase" he will grow out of, or if it's going to evolve into a bigger problem later on. It's your choice to say "no" to drugs and be firm about it - but be prepared that he may choose his freedom to do what he wants over being with you. Both of you guys are still kids; it seems that at least in his case, being married and having a child is not the kind of responsibility he is prepared for. One thing is for certain - if you choose to leave, you will eventually meet someone else; a new love will find the way into your heart eventually. This is all part of the life's lessons.

Answer 12

Well the first 2 years of Marriage are the hardest even harder with a new born in the Picture Try Counsling together if it doesnt work Leave him  

Answer 13

You need to see a marriage counselor. He needs to get help for his drug use. Don't give in. He needs to have a reason to change.

Answer 14

life is always about not give up

you said that you know him very well so you must knew if there is a chance for him to get back in the road

but you must be careful because you have son

Answer 15

Oh dear Im really sorry to hear this.

Relationships are tricky things whatever the circumstances!and even harder when you start young and there are kids involved. I think your husband could have a type of post-natal depression which can happen to men aswell as women. He could probably be freaked out by his new sense of commitment and responsibility also at quite a young age. Its difficult for men to come to terms with this sometimes so perhaps you could both go together and have a chat with someone to help you through the new changes in your life and now with your new baby.

It is a shame as having a new baby is such a happy time.... but he must stop smoking weed. he can only choose to do this, you cannot force him. unfortunately you will probably have to wait a few months until he calms down. try giving him some space to think through what is important in his life. dont give up on him.... just sit it out and hope that he can change for himself and for his family.

good luck!

~e

Answer 16

OK first off, good for you! I really admire that you had the strength to put your foot down and put your son’s needs before his. I was in the same position as  you other than we didn’t have children and weren’t married. He was abusive, lied, stole and never put anything before his own needs. He was my first, my first love… I thought we would be together forever. I found out about his drug use (which explained a lot). I didn’t think I could leave him. We had so much past, I felt like he was part of me. A few months before our wedding I had the strength to leave. It was the best thing I have EVER done! Two months later I met my real soul mate!! We have been married for five years now and fall more in love each day. You and your son deserve better. It wont be easy.. But who knows, maybe there is a perfect man out there waiting for you too. To spoil and treat you the way you should be treated. Good luck!

Answer 17

You should not have to put up with that, I think you gave him oppurtunity to still do what he wants and still be with you and yalls son, and he took advantage of it, thats not fair to you. It's going to get worse before it gets better , but I think you should not give in stay strong for yourself and your son.  I hope everything works out for you good luck!

Answer 18

He's a loser. Divorce him and never look back.

Answer 19

i was with a guy for 6 years and had 2 kids i didn't think i could live without him but after putting up with stuff you finally get tired of it we been broke up for 3 months now and i don't even miss him im with someone else and happy now. i know what your going through he was 16 and i was 17 when we got together but he drunk all the time and that wasn't good for my kids.i hope everthing works out for you just remember there will be a day when your feelings for him will go away.if you need someone to talk to my e-mail is [e-mail] good luck