How much should I tell my daughter whose stepfather adopted her about her bio dad?

Question

My husband is adopting our four year old daughter, he has been the only father in her life since she was one and she has no knowelge of her bio dad. Her bio dad took off after spending time in jail for domestic violince on me with her in my arms. When we feel it's the right time to tell her about her bio dad she we let her know about his past as an abuser?

Answer 1

i cant believe you married that kind of guy

Answer 2

Yes I think you need to tell her but at an appropriate age, in her teens.  This could also encourage her to not get involved with a guy like this one day.

Answer 3

I would tell her as much as she can handle as soon as she can handle it. It should not be a secret and it should not be something that you ahve a big "talk" about once and then never bring up in conversation again. I would leave out the details of abuse until she asks why the situation is the way it is. Then I would be gentle and age appropriate about sharing stories of abuse with her.You don't want her to be scared or feel guilty that anything was her fault in any way. (children automatically assume that everything is their fault so, you want to discourage her from believing that as much as you can). I would tell her right now who her bio dad is and who her adoptive father is and that the bio dad created her and that her adoptive dad is her "daddy" and the man who loves her and who will provide for her and take care of her and be there for her. Dopn't speak negatively about her bio dad but, there's no reason to embellish the story with positive details either unless they are true. Give her the facts and let her know that this is something you can talk about (by your words and yoru actions) whenever she wants to. Be available to answer her changing questions as she gets older and wants to know more and can understand more.

I gotta go turn off the stove!

Answer 4

Absolutly not.  I have the same issues.  My 5 year old was legally adopted by my now ex-husband and I have a very abusive ex who has never been a part of my child life.  You don't want to tell a child the nasty details because sometimes they will take those things to mean their is something wrong with them.  Simply explain that is wasn't right for this man to be a part of her life.  Too many kids believe they ARE their parents, meaning, if bio-dad was an abuser, then I must be too.  Or at least that something is wrong with her witch isn't at all true.  Maybe much much later..I am talking late teen years, you might go into some of the details. For now, a simple "it didn't work out" should be enough. Never bash a kids parent, on the basis that it harms the child.

Answer 5

I was also adopted by my stepdad when I was 8. It was my desicion, I had even been using his last name before the adoption. My real dad was just so worthless, and I could even see this as a child. I refered to him as "Dan".

My stepdad has been my dad since I was 3. Maybe when your daughter is older (I'm not sure how old she is), you could tell her about her real dad. If you're not comfortable about his past, you don't have to go into detail, maybe just say he's not a nice person?

Answer 6

It depends.  As a young child.  No.  I wouldn't.  As she gets older, if she asks, then just tell her small amounts of the details.  Once she's old enough to be able to handle ALL the details, then you may choose to do so.  Otherwise, it may be information that you can choose to withhold.  Its a hard decision.  I can't imagine being in your situation.  

KUDOS to you for getting out of a violent relationship!

Answer 7

My mom and "dad" started dating when I was 1 and married when I was 3.  My mom was divorced from my biological dad.  I always knew.  They never made it a secret.  Doesnt mean you have to sit down and explain, but when my dad adopted me, they did explain that mom was married before.  Had me.  And found "dad".  Now dad wants to make sure we all have the same last name, so we are going through an adoption.  That simple.  I was like ok, whatever.  But, when I got older I was able to ask questions, and my parents always gave me answers.  My little sister and brother knew too when they came along.  The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

When shes asks about her biological dad, dont explain the abusing part.  That will only make her wonder if it really happened, or if you are angry and making it up.  When she is old enough to understand relationships, just tell her it didnt work out.  You were young, unsure of things and him leaving was the best route.  Now if shes in her twentys and wants to know then you can explain.

Answer 8

The only thing is that if you are not truthful when the child is old enough to understand be honest.It will make a difference  if that child will be productive or just  blame themselves for a situation that they had no control over.

Answer 9

I was recently reunited with my daughter I adopted out.  I worried about telling her about her bio dad (child molester).  She wanted to know everything, I told her and she was very glad I told her the truth.  When your child is old enough the full truth is always the best but be sure she is old enough to process the truth.

Answer 10

I think when the time is right yes you should tell her everything. To be open and honest is a great thing. Although she will have all sorts of mixed emotions and may one day want to meet him at least you would have prepared her no matter what the outcome. She needs to know that there are people out there that are not as great as you and her stepdad. And that you love and support her and her decisions. Good luck.

Answer 11

I Cannot agree with Angel.  If you are going to tell your daughter about the sperm donor, she should know all of it and make her own decision.  This obviously is something that will happen down the road.  If her "step" father is really the only dad she has ever known, stick with that.  A sperm donor does not equal a dad, a loving, caring person equals a dad.

Answer 12

Depending on her growth, as much as she can take it

Answer 13

I depends how old she is!

Answer 14

Wait until she asks you, and only give small details until she gets older. Only you will know when is the right time.

However, on the flip side, one of my cousins had no idea that her "dad" wasn't her real dad, as her mom got married while she was pregnant with my cousin... and when my cuz' did find out (when in high school), she was mad as heck!

Answer 15

I don't think so.  At any age, children will hold on to what their mother says.  In the future, God could put a change in her bio fathers life and he might want a relationship.  If you tell your daughter about his past, then it might ruin what could end up being beautiful.  I feel you should leave the past in the past.  I feel its OK to talk about him but not his problems.  The word of God stated that we should honor our mother and father.  He did not put stipulations on whether or not they were good or bad.  He said to honor them.  I feel if you bring up the past it would affect how she might feel about him.  Congrats on your husband for the love and concern with your daughter.  God Bless