How much should the kids opinion weigh when dating after a divorce?

Question

Ok here's one. You have kids (9 & 19). You get divorced. You start to date again (less than a year after the divorce).

How much should the kids opinion weigh when it comes to when you should date again? Not trying to set up a "this is your new daddy" situation, but more of a "this is mommy's new boyfriend".

My opinion: As long as the relationship is kept respectable and the parent still spends quality time with the children and the guy is not trying to come in playing daddy or being abusive and cruel to the parent or children......what's the big deal? The kids just have to understand that mommy has a right to move on.

Answer 1

You do have a right to move on.  I believe it's harder for younger ones to understand what is going on, but 9 yrs old should be able to understand that you have a right to be happy (safe, healthy, etc).  And the 19 yr old should especially understand that.

It's best to keep communication open with them however over all that is going on.  I believe they need to understand that you're interested in their opinion, thoughts, questions, etc., but that it's your decision and their 'permission' isn't needed nor being asked.

Answer 2

It is not that simple honey. They've been used to daddy for 9 or 19 years. Just because you are ready to date doesn't mean they are mentally ready to see you with another man. You should keep your dates away from the kids for at least another year. Especially the 9 year old. The 19 year old should be more understanding. Don't let the bf sleep over or just make himself at home. Let your kids know that they are still #1 and you want to do this together. If they are not ready you will still date but keep the bf away. But eventually you will be inviting the bf over.  

Answer 3

I'm really big on respect.  I recently left my husband b/c of his infidelity, and we have 3 kids (3-5-10) and dating is like ....out the window.  I'm so busy picking up the slack from his end I don't even have the time to date.  But once I am ready I guess, I would keep it simple, and keep it OUTSIDE my home.  It's differnt when married b/c you are together as a family, dating, portrays images that kids are not ready to translate.  To you a few friends is fun and passing time by...to them, you are showing a lack of respect for yourself.  Image for kids from Mommy and daddy is everything.  When you date a person outside the home long enough and ready for that "commitment" then I would talk to my kids about things, and slowly bring him around.  

Answer 4

Well maybe not even tell the kids until it gets serious as in moving in or marriage.  I went through this with my daughter she is 5.  I never brought another man around until I knew he and I were serious.  My bf is not her daddy.  We live together and they respect each other as great friends.  She has adjusted great to this.  Good luck.  Mommy does have the right to move on but the kids will have to adjust