How much time is proper to bond with a future step child?

Question

I am in a long distance relationship and it's getting serious. I havent met my boyfriends 12 year old son yet but we were talking about getting married in the Spring of 09. He is concerned about the amount of time we will have to bond up until that point. What is an appropriate amount of time to get to know each other before the marriage?

Answer 1

1.  Dont count your chickens before they hatch.  You may not "bond" at all.  Im 30.  I met my stepmother when I was 13.  I really wouldnt say we ever "bonded".  Do we treat each other with mutual respect?  Sure.  Do we call on the phone and gab about American Idol?  um..No.

2.  A word of advice....dont put too much pressure on yourself, or his son.  You might bond fabulously in only one 'session', or it might take 17 years.  Either way, these things happen when they happen and speculation about WHEN, will not help...I promise you.

3.  No matter what, if you always have respect for him and show him that you are trying, and that you care...you can't go wrong.  

Good Luck, and just so you know...even if you bond superbly right away...when the teenage phase happens...and he says stuff like...."you cant tell me what to do, youre not my mother..."  YES, its normal, and NO he doesnt 'really' hate you.

:)

Answer 2

It really is impossible to say.  Because it's long distance, if he hasn't met you before and now all of a sudden hears you're going to be his new mother, well, he's going to be naturally a little weirded out.  There is no set amount of time for bonding to happen -- as someone else pointed out, it may not happen at all.

That being said, if it IS getting serious, why aren't you talking to his son?  Just because you haven't met face to face doesn't mean you can't introduce yourself over the phone or through an e-mail.  Ask his father to ask him if he'd mind speaking to you, that you'd like to say hello to him.

If you do get to talk to the boy, don't freak out if he doesn't take to you right away.  Don't pressure him, and don't try to get overly intimate with your questions right off the bat;  ie, "How do you feel about having me as your step-mom?" isn't fair when he doesn't know you.  Instead, whether on the phone or through a letter or e-mail, just spend some time chatting.  Ask what sort of movies and books he likes, sports and games, ect.  Ask casual questions and joke around with him.

Even just telling your boyfriend to tell his son that you said "Hello" when you speak to him will go a long way.  It will show that you're trying to be friendly and you're trying to include him.  If he does want to talk to you, well, call just to talk to him every once and a while and ask how he's doing.

I hope everything works out for you.  Just remember that when you do finally make it to your boyfriend, try to include his son in the things you do.  You don't have to take him to ballgames, but just asking "Want to watch a movie with your dad and me?"  will make him feel a lot better than if his dad is suddenly spending all his time with his lady.

Answer 3

I think the answer depends on the situation.  The closer the relationship between your boyfriend and his son, the more time they spend together, the more important it will be for you to make a healthy bond with this boy before you invade his territory.  The closer they are, the more important it is that he sees how well you fit in to their home and their already tight bond.  Depending on the distance between you and him, how often are you able to visit?  Will you be moving into his current home when you get married?  I think there's enough time between now and next spring but you need to get busy.

I would arrange a first meeting as soon as possible and keep it up until you get married.  Just hang out with him and his dad.  Then start  spending more time with both of them at home.  As he sees you (hopefully) fitting in where he lives, it will be easier for him to accept and welcome you being there full time.

A long distance relationship makes what you are proposing to do more difficult.  If you are going to end up living in your boyfriends home after you marry, have you considered moving closer before you get married?  I'm NOT saying move in together.  But you are going to have to devote some serious time to building this relationship in a relatively short amount of time. Living close by would make that much easier and could save you all some heartache in the long run.

If you truly love this man then you must respect the relationship between him and his son and be willing to make some sacrifices.

Good luck!  

Answer 4

their entire lfe.  Try to be a freind more than their parent or the last thing you will hear is the judges gavel pronouncing divorce.