How old is too old to change a child's name when you adopt him/her?

Question

We are not actually ready to adopt yet. Names are just very important to me, and it is honestly the only thing holding me back from adopting. I want to pass that gift to my child-a thoughtful, loving and strong name. But at the same time, my husband and I want to consider children older than babies.

Answer 1

I would think, anything older than three would be too old. =D

Answer 2

if they are of speaking age then it is to old.

Answer 3

When their old enough to understand and recognize who they are.

Answer 4

I think there is a range that you shouldn't change a child's name, and once they get past that range, you should include them in the decision, including respecting their choice if they chose not to change it.

If they're old enough to say their name but not old enough to understand why you're calling them something else all of the sudden, it would not be a good idea. If they're old/mature enough to discuss this, it should be left up to them.

Answer 5

If the child is too young to speak or is a toddler being introduced to English for the first time, then I don't think that a new name would confuse them.  However, consider adding your choice of a name to the front of their birth name (and making their birth name their middle name) instead of replacing their birth name.

If the child is old enough to speak and express opinions (in other words, beyond the "NO!" phase), then involve them in the decision process.  Again, though, consider keeping their birth name as a long middle name.

If the child is old enough to tell you that they don't want to be called by a new name or that they don't like the name you want to call them, then respect that.  It's their identity, and they're the one who lives with it.  

On the other hand, some older adoptees really want a new name as part of the adoption process.  These are often children who were removed from their birth parents after being victimized through abuse or neglect.

I spent a week volunteering in an orphanage in India, and I saw how kids as young as one and a half treasured their nametags.  Those orphans had nothing in the world but their names.  Their names were the one thing that poverty and disease couldn't steal from them, and the one thing that their birthparents had been able to provide them with after giving them life - thoughtful, loving, strong names.  Would take that away from a child, even if you were giving him or her a lot of other things in return?  Isn't it better to add to what a child has?  

I've been a name-addict since junior high.  I love names - their meanings, their sounds, the impressions they make, how they sound together - and I'm a top contributer on the Y!A baby names section (and the languages section... my love of words and sounds extends to words that aren't names).  A name is ultimately what you make of it, though.  It's said that "the suit makes the man," but it could also be said that "the man makes the name" as he makes his reputation.  

There are so many bigger issues that you and your spouse and the child may have to face (attachment disorders, bonding problems, abandonment issues, identity crises, etc).  If your concern that you won't like a child's name is really "the only thing holding you back," you ought to speak with an adoption counselor at an agency.  A counselor can answer questions, educate you, listen to your concerns, and give guidance.  That's the first formal step in the adoption process, anyway.

Answer 6

That depends on the child. I have some friends who adopted twins at age 2 and one picked up the new name right away and has never stopped using it. The other one never really latched on to it and still identifies herself by her birth name. They are almost 18 now. Some older children actually want to change their entire name (first, middle and last) for a fresh start. Others cling to their entire name as part of their identity and do not even change their last name upon adoption. All depends on the individual kid.

Answer 7

By a time a child is 9 months old they know their name.  Don't change a child's name if they are older than 9 months.  Remember a name is a part of a child's identity and culture.

Answer 8

My husband and I adopted our son in April of this year. We changed his entire name..it was a decision that took us a long time. He was placed with us when he was 4 weeks old.. right out of the NICU... He never  lived with anyone besides us.. to him we where his only mom and dad and he has always been our son. He was 10 months old when we started calling him by his "new name".. I think it was harder for us to remember to call him by his "new name" then his birth name, which we had been calling him since he was 1 month old. He started responding to his "new name" with in a matter of days. I do think the older the child the harder it will be.. and  they should be asked about there feelings on it, and have a part in making the decison. Our son will know his birth name and if he ever wants to change it we will support him 100% When we were consider chaging it I also went to a msg. board and asked advice... One person told me, {keeping in mind his age} that naming your child is part of becoming a parent and a form of bonding. I hope this helps you a lilttle and wish you the best of luck!!!

Jakes Mama

Answer 9

I would say that if the child is older than just a few months, it's too old (I'm much more conservative in this viewpoint than many who have no problems with changing names even of school age children).

Here are some of the reasons for my views:

* A child knows his/her name from the time they're tiny, and to take away the familiar & replace it with the unfamiliar isn't generally in the best interest of the child.

* An adopted child loses so much already (if international, they've lost even more including language, culture, etc.) with the loss of birth parents and possibly foster parents or other caregivers, I think that helping them to keep that one part of them that is connected with the past is a positive thing.

* Often the child's name is the only thing from the birth parents that the child still has when he/she is adopted.  To take away that gift given by the woman who gave birth to him/her isn't always a good thing.

That said...If you feel you *must* change the name, prayerfully consider your decision & at least think about keeping the child's birth first name as a middle name for him/her.  There are some names that will cause no end of problems in American culture (pronunciation or negative associations), in that case, I can see shifting the first name to the middle & giving a new first name.

Our daughters didn't like their birth names.  They thought they were "old lady names" (like Mabel or Gertrude here in the US).  They asked us to change them through the adoption workers about five minutes before we met them.  We had to make an instant decision & we decided to call them nicknames until we re-adopted in the US.  A couple of months before we re-adopted them, we gave them a list with their birth names at the top along with about four other names that were derivatives of (very close to) their birth names.  We let them know that we still thought their birth names were lovely names, but if they truly wanted to change them, they could choose from the list.  They both chose to change their names, but their names are still very close to the names their birth mother gave them.  We felt it was important for them to keep that connection to their birth mom.  We adopted them at ages 7 & 10.

Answer 10

No more than a few months--you don't want to confuse the child unless you absolutely have to.  Is it so bad that you have to change it?  My brothers middle and last names were changed when he was about 5 months.

Answer 11

I would for sure keep child`s original name as a middle name. I know many adopted kids whose first name is Norwegian (I am from Norway) and the middle name is their original name.

The important is that you love the child, no matter its name.

Answer 12

You can always change the "legal" name at the finalization hearing.  If you are concerned that the child will know their current name, you could use their current name as a nick name or a middle name and still legally change their name.

Our son was 6 months old when we adopted him.  I wanted to change his name, but after meeting him, I just couldn't.  However, we DID change his middle name to that of my father-in-law because he was dying and we felt that it would be a bond for everyone.  And of course, his last name changed at the time of finalization.  

Just remember, the choice is yours (and if the child is older, their choice as well).  You may find if you adopt an older child that they are receptive to a name change.

Answer 13

we are adopting children 7 and 8 and they are both changing their names.  Not to the names we picked out, but to names that we can live with.

Answer 14

If they can say thier name,don't change it.

Answer 15

I would say that once they enter school, it is too old to change their name, although you could wait a little longer until the child is 13/14 (unless that is too long...) so that the child can make their own decision about the name. If you want to do it sooner, try to decide before school, so that they have one 'identity' with their classmates. If it isn't an urgent matter, wait until they are older, so that they can help you make the decision.

Answer 16

In reply to your question, I am a proud parent of an adoptive child,  I adopted my wife's child when she was five yrs old, We also changed her last name to ours which has been a big plus,  We also have another child that we conceived together - so both our children have the same last name.   The plus is children want to to feel like they are just equally loved,  if you do not change there name-  then as they get older you will be faced with why is my name different?  My daughter who is now 16 yrs old is very happy that she has the same name as the rest of the family,  Now if your child is already say in there teens,  then i would discuss it with them and maybe tell them that would would like to have the same name if that is what you want.  Do keep in mind too- that as you go thru life and you have to fill out medical papers , school forms, etc, with  your child having a different name- you may be asked why- or others will assume you have a previous marriage, etc.

Answer 17

Some people think that you should never change a name, as even a baby knows his or her name and it is part of his or her identity.  If you do change a child's name, I would keep their first given name as the middle name, so they don't completely lose it.  With an older child, it really is probably best for them to keep their name.  It could contribute to them feeling like their new family wants them to be a new person, that they have to "live up" to your idea of a perfect child (which you have to watch out for with an older child anyway), if they have to change their name.  Our daughter was adopted from Taiwan at 9 months.  We did change her name because we felt it would be important that she have a name that would "fit in" here, that people could pronounce.  We actually call her by her Chinese name sometimes, also, and plan always to, so she responds to both names.