How perfect does a mother have to be?

Question

Given the level of redefinition going on here, I'm very curious about the word, "mother."

Do people assume that someone who is a mother is a good person, by definition?

There have been some very glowing definitions given for the word, "mother," apparently in an attempt to minimize the importance of natural mothers.

But these "redefinitions" threaten to make many people "motherless." If a mother must be the pinnacle of kindness and goodness, then does that mean that someone, raised by their biological mother, who was not perfect, didn't have a mother?

If the woman who gives birth to you is also the same person who raises you, but she doesn't love you unconditionally, does that mean you don't have a "mother" under the "new and improved" definition of "mother" that some on this site seem to endorse?

Answer 1

as she wants her mother to be to her

Answer 2

People seem to take the word mother as a compliment, it is not, it is neutral

If you have a c**p mother who never "mothered" you,  it just means you have a c**p mother, but a mother still.

Unless of course you were born of an egg donor, and a surrogate to an "intended parent"  then man oh man am I sorry for you.

Answer 3

Having a lousy mother doesn't mean one doesn't have a mother.  Many people state that first mothers who are young and poor are doing something wonderful by giving their children life and the opportunity for better lives by relinquishing.  They put their children's needs before their own desires to keep the children, because they could not care for the children.   If what they've done is good, then why are they not considered mothers by some people?  They've made incredible sacrifices to help ensure their children have better lives than they can offer.  This selflessness surely must rate them as mothers.

I have a friend who was adopted.  Her adoptive mother hired a nanny to care for my friend from day one.  Her amom spent a good deal of time drunk and partying.  She fooled around with other men.  My friend invited her amom to a sorority party once.  Her mother attended.  She was so drunk that she urinated on the floor.  

My friends first mother gave her up for the opportunity of a better life.  Her intent was good.  Her sacrifice a high.  My friend's adoptive mother wasn't so good a being a mother.  

So, who was my friends mother?  Neither truly raised her.  One brought her in to the world and thought the best she could do was give her up.  The other adopted her, but didn't care for her well.  If a mother is the person who cared for her, then did she even have a mother? Was one of them her mother?  Perhaps they were both her mothers?  

Answer 4

Phil, the woman who raises you is your mother. She may be angelic, she may be a slattern. You get who you get but it's all a twist of fate up to and including whether or not the women who pushes you through the birth canal winds up being your mother or not.  

Answer 5

I think that people have there own definition of a mother. My definition of a mother is someone that loves there child unconditionally no matter what. Also one that is there for there child no matter what.One that brings there child up the best way possible and also looks out for the best interest of that child at all times. I think everything else falls in place

Answer 6

I gave a more thoughtful answer last time, but seeing as how the whole question was deleted, I won't waste my time with a novel and instead here is the abridged version:

Unless you were hatched on another planet by an asexual creature then it's safe to assume you have a mother. ***** or goddess is irrelevant. If you are born you have a mother.

If you are adopted then you have 2 mothers. One gave birth. One raised you. Both mothers.

True story.

Answer 7

Well, in psychology, Winnicott, coined the term "the good-enough mother."....basically explaining that a child with a "good enough mother" would go through development correctly.  He did not state that it had to be the birth mother, but simply someone that met the needs of the child "good enough."

In fact, some of the early psychological experiments show how little it really takes for a mother to be "good-enough."   It makes one wonder why so many s***w it up....

Answer 8

My mother was never a "mother" in anything she did as far as behavior or love, but she is still the only mother I have.  Because of the biological/spiritual bond between us, that she carried me for nine months, she is my mother.  Anyone else is just a replacement.

Motherhood comes from the body and soul.  This is different from fatherhood which is mainly a social/behavioral role after the birth.  A mother had the child as part of her body and soul for nine months. That is where the bond forms from.  

My mother may have left the "raising" to my grandmother because of various issues such as dealing with the abuse in her own childhood, but she is still my only mother.  No-one else can ever be.

Answer 9

I feel that a mother has to be only as perfect as she wants her offspring to be (:

Answer 10

It would be helpful if you had written out what this "new and improved" definition of motherhood is for us who weren't privy to the preamble to this question.

Parents are never perfect because they are people.

(I will use "parents" here instead of mother, since we're not always only talking about mothers in particular and they don't always work solo...)

In my estimation, good parents recognize their faults, account for them, talk about them, and work with their children to improve them.

Good parents can be adoptive or natural.

Bad parents, on the other hand, are infallible, rigid, and non-communicative.  Bad parents can be adoptive or natural.

However, there is a fundamental difference between natural parents and adoptive parents - that being that the adoptive parents put more priority on their need to parent than how the child might feel having to live with strangers and adapt to a whole new world.  The decision they made often causes a lot of pain to a child, no matter what their intentions were.

Humbled adoptive parents recognize the wound they've inflicted (yet they still inflict it) while bad adoptive parents refuse to recognize they contributed to their child's pain.  This negates their children's feelings instead of nurturing their self expression and communication skills.  There are, unfortunately, a lot of bad adoptive parents out there, who insist that their children reinforce their image as generous rescuers, which places them on a pedestal and makes them inaccessible to their children's emotional needs.  

Kindness and "goodness" are poor substitutes for accessible and honest parents you can communicate with and have a real relationship with.  Perfection is not preferable.  Perfection does not exist, and to claim flawlessness is a lie that alienates.

Answer 11

From Kbrahmer post:

"Mother is a biological reality which has been molded to include "mother like" behavior, expanded social identity, the best characteristics of nurturing and superwoman attributes.

And like such words being given alternative meanings, soon they will have no meaning. So, anyone can soon call themselves mother."

I couldn't agree with it more. Its pretty much what it has come down to.  I guess the article before the word will begin to have more significance then the word itself. (The mother..A mother)

Look at how morphed the word "orphan" has become.  

I think whats important is that adoptees are made to feel comfortable calling either one of them "mom" without anyone projecting their own feelings on to the adoptees.

Answer 12

Redefinition of "mother"...yes, that too. Numerous words of general understanding are undergoing change with the eyes of a different generation upon them. We have been warned, that language will be molded to enforce new definitions as is suitable to "big brother." And big brother is not just government, but the persona of large groups from religions to corporations. Language is often viewed as simply communication...but it has other features to include mis-communication or non-specific feelings or redirection.

Mother is a biological reality which has been molded to include "mother like" behavior, expanded social identity, the best characteristics of nurturing and superwoman attributes.  

And like such words being given alternative meanings, soon they will have no meaning. So, anyone can soon call themselves mother.

Answer 13

A perfect mother is perfect by her connection with her daughter or son. She is perfect by her encouragement and support of her child but also by her guidance against bad behavior. Also a perfect mother does not subject her child to her own bad behavior such as drugs or promiscuity. She does not date Men who disrespect her or have their own bad behaviors. Also this does not have to be done in the presence of a child to be abusive to the child. Children can sense something is wrong and when the child realizes they can not trust the Parent/Mother then the bond is broken and the child's development is fractured. The Child doesn't fully mature mentally. Goodness and Kindness are subjective.

If a mother is not the best mother can effectively make the child motherless. If that were not the case a mother who abandoned her newborn would still be considered a "mother" Biologically that would be true but for all intents and purposes its not. It is something you can fail at. Having said that a mother does not have to be perfect. She does have to encourage, guide, correct, as well as cease her bad behavior as well as avoid bad behavior of her aquaintances and friends even not in the presence of the child. That is a perfect mother.

Answer 14

well i had twins who passed away, yes i am still a mother. i am adopting 4 children yes i am a mother. is their bio mother a mother. NO. only because it was not under anything good. she neglected them, abused them, tried to kill them and did not care. NO that is not a mother. she is a person who gave birth. my personal mom and dad left. for no good reason. are they still my mom and dad. Yes technically. but in life NO. they are 2 people who had s*x and had a child.  

Answer 15

I agree with Gaia Raain that it is up to the child to determine who their mother is. My bio mother was not there for me or any of her other three children. She chose a man who didn't want kids over the four children age took the time to bring into the world. Is she my mother? Yea unfortunatly she is because she decided to bring me in the world. However I have a step mother who came into my life at 10 who has been there for me to this day. So when I talk about my mother I am always refering to her. I guess I have two mothers but I only have one that chose to acknowledge. So I guess if she wasn't in my life I wouldn't have anyone to acknowledge.  

Answer 16

The brain thinks that it is a societal convention to attribute characteristics to the term "mother" such as loving, caring, "good," etc.  However, the term has different societal characteristics depending on what community you are in.  For example, the charactersitics that define a "mother" are different in the US versus rural Africa.  And they may even be different in small sub-populations of the US, say for example, if you were to compare the characteristics of "mother" in white suburbs upper class, to those of "mother" in lower, urban lower class.

Answer 17

Dear Phil,

Answering one of your questions is never a waste of time.  Testing my memory here, lets see how good i do.

Person with a crappy biological mom here.  As much as i might hate to admit it, I have a mother.  We all do.  The person who created us, carried us and brought us into this world is our mother.

I had many amazing women who were motherly and loving towards me.  Why weren't they enough to make me happy?  IDK, maybe because they weren't my mother.

I still long for something i will never have, the unconditional love and acceptance of my mother.  I would not underestimate the bond of biological mother and child.

Answer 18

every mother is different. you just make sure you are caring and love your child. a mother is  simply a woman that gave birth to you, and takes care of you. like a care taker.

Answer 19

Interesting, however, a mother is simply your caretaker, I dont know that she is supposed to be the 'pinnacle' of kindness, goodness and whatnot.....

thats just a wishful ideal of the the word 'mother'.

Answer 20

There is no definition of a "perfect mother" or a "new and improved mother" as there is no definition for "perfect father" or a "new and improved father".  Your parents are the adults in your house that raised you, whether they loved you or not and they were not necessarily the people who brought you into this world.  When you grow up - you are who you want to be not what they were or who they want you to be. So hopefully when you become a parent you do a better job. No one is "perfect".  

Answer 21

No matter the one  who  gave you  birth  or raise you, only she/they treated you  indeed,  she/they  is your mother.

My mum  is my  nature  mother  , she loves me indeed ,and i love her

so  much, she is  everything to me.

when i in  teenage years ,  i  had  done more  foolnish  things ,and

my  study had  plummeted precipitationally  ,but  she  always  encourage me . when  i  haven't passed the college exam , she told me   dont  gave up, she always trust  i can do it  ,i'm the greatest , i can  develop my  potential  ability.

How  fortunate  i have   my mother .  

thanks  for  sharing   my ture  feeling .

Answer 22

A MOTHER DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.NO ONE,BUT GOD IS PERFECT.