How should I explain to my son not to let things bother him when children say hurtful things?

Question

How should I explain to my son not to let things bother him when children say hurtful things?

Question Details: Other then saying "Oh just ignore those things" is there anything else anyone would suggest? He is 10 years old and I know it can sometimes get even worse when they go to middle school. What bothers me the most about all of this is that my son would never say things hurtful to others because I had brought him up to be considerate of other peoples feelings. Sometimes I wonder what this world is coming to and whats wrong with these parents by not teaching good morals and kindness to their kids!

Answer 1

I completely understand your question.  I deal with the same issues almost daily.  I have 2 children, a 10 year old son and a 13 year old daughter.  Like yourself, I have raised my children to be polite, sensitive and considerate to others.  My children would never dream of saying something hurtful to someone else.

There have been instances where certain children have been not so nice to my children.  Many people say to just ignore them, I don't feel that the response is a really good one.  So, what I have learned to say to my children is that:  The children who say mean things probably have a rough life at home, with parents who may not care about them so much.  Their parents may be mean to them.  Maybe this type of behavior is something that they see at home.  I then say to my children, aren't you lucky to have a mommy who loves you so much. I then try to encourage them to be nice to them because they may think that bullying is okay, they may not know what really having a friend is all about. They may feel like nobody likes them, that is why they pick on people.  

My daughter is the type of child that when she see's or hears someone who is being picked on, she becomes their friend.  Perfect situation, a little girl at school who is a tom-boy.  She wants to fit in, but she doesn't know how.  Peolpe call her names all of the time.  So, my daughter becomes her friend and teaches her how to become more feminine, by fixing her hair and wearing a little bit of makeup to bring out her features.  There is nothing wrong with this little girl, so why people pick on her, I don't know.  

I guess that this is becoming normal for our society.  Well behaved children are becoming almost a minority.  I will continue to instill values in my children that are good values.

Our children will become productive adults and not children that will end up behind jail bars.

Answer 2

I would try the "consider the source" approach.  Explain to him that people who say hurtfyul things have low self-esteem themselves.  They say them to feel better about who they are.

If you instill in your son that he is a good person, he will only take criticism to heart from people who really care about him.  Explain that no matter who you are there will always be someone who won't like you... therefore, you have to be happy and not let comments by someone who you don't care about afffect you.

Answer 3

This is a hard one.  My son was a very sensitive kid and  midle school is preoving to be very difficult both socially and academically. He is 12 now.  My advice is to be at the school and ever present as much as possible.  I think when a parent is involved and known by teachers, staff and students alike, it gives the child some sort of "clout" and ears him respect with the other kids.  Middle school is quite a roller coaster.  I also suggest consulting with a middle school teacher to get an objective opinion of how a middle schooler thinks.  Good Luck.

Answer 4

I have a son who went thru exactly the same treatment @ school, and was very upset about it. I sat him down and told him I understood how he was feeling, and I told him that the people who picked on him were the ones with a problem. The actual phrase i used was "If the only thing these people can find to do with theitr time is to pick on others, then they're the ones with the problem, not you" I also told him I loved him very much and would always be there for him, as I know how important it is for children to know that they're valued as people.

I feel that some parents forget this important aspect of childrearing - they don't explain to their children that it's wrong to mock others and say hurtful things, so the children feel that it's ok, which may be a reason why they do it. Some parents also fail to make their children feel like worthwhile members of society, so they grow up feeling inadequate and bully others as a result. None of this excuses them for their behaviour, but it may explain it.

Please encourage your child to continue being considerate to others, as this quality is sadly lacking in this "me me me!" society we live in. he will receive much more respect by being kind and considerate than by allowing himself to become one of the bullies (name calling and teasing is just as much bullying as hitting and pushing - the scars caused by mental bullying take longer to go, if they ever do). So well done to you for raising a thoughtful child. Keep up the good work!!

Answer 5

go to helpmychildren.com it will help

Answer 6

My mom always said that to me growing up and in the end it was worse. I turned out more of a bully my sophmore and jr year than anyone I'd ever met. People used to make fun of me for being adopted, I was different. Mom told me just ignore it, instead it built up a lot of anger, than I was able to use on anyone around including my parents. I think it is something that you and your son need to sit down and talk about instead of ignoring it. Cause ignoring it does not make the problem go away, if anything it makes it worse in teh long run.

Secondly, "Sometimes I wonder what this world is coming to and whats wrong with these parents by not teaching good morals and kindness to their kids"

We all try to teach our children morals and kindness and guess what we aren't able to watch them 24/7 and many parents are never even aware that their children are doing this. Maybe you should talk to your child and find out who is being the abusive talkers and inform their parents that there is a situation that needs to be addressed.

Answer 7

I would just tell him that sometimes people can be really mean and its ok  if it hurts your feelings.  Give him lots of praise to try and raise his self esteem and tell him he needs to tell the other kids that what they are saying bothers him.  He needs to express how he feels and let them know that if they cannot be nice to him they need to leave him alone.  I know its not always that simple but sometimes it helps and that is what we were taught to do when dealing with issues in childcare.

Answer 8

First of all, I think I would explore the issue "Why are other children saying so many hurtful things to my son?"  It is worth trying to take some action to make this stop.

If he has some kind of special need, then you need to meet with the principal and his teacher, to set up a time you can all speak to his class about it.    It is very cruel for children to tease or insult a child who has some kind of handicap, and they need to be spoken to about it by a unified body - you, the principal, and the teacher.

But if he doesn't have a special need of any kind, then there must be another reason he is being teased and bullied.   In order to get to the bottom of it, you need to do a little investigating.    Talk to the parents of other children in his class, and see if you can get some feedback from them.  Does he have poor personal hygiene?  Does he dress completely differently from all the other children?  Does he need braces because of a severe orthodontal problem?  If so, these are things that can be changed.

I'm not saying that it's EVER acceptable for children to bully and insult another child.  But if they are doing it for a reason that can be changed, why not try to eliminate the cause, if it's possible?

Answer 9

my son is 7 and ahs this problem..  I have just told him  repeatedly. it doesnt matter what they think  as long as you are happy with it..  and Kids can be very mean, try not to take it to heart.  other than that you just have to keep reinforcing  that what they say isnt true or doesnt matter. its very hard to just ignore those things .... especially when "those things" are directed at you or something they may not like about you.. they're not true friends if they are nice one minute and mean the next.. thats a user.

Answer 10

I agree with you, it seems now a day people don't seem to care how hurtful they can be to others.  Try sitting down with your son and explaining that people often do not think before speaking and remind him of how he needs to sometimes overlook the comments.  Have him surround himself with friends that will support him and he supports in return.  Friends are great helps when one is facing mean and hurtful people.