How should I handle my doubts about spouse's infidelity?

Question

I am a g*y male married to my partner. It is legal in my country.

One month ago, a man that I don't know knocked on my door. My spouse was not home. The man was looking for my spouse. I later discovered nude photos that my spouse had exchanged with this man by email, on our computer. This man had come to my home looking for my spouse because they had a date. My spouse wasn't home because he had gone to this man's house to meet him there. (They got confused on where to meet, which allowed me to figure out that my spouse had a date!)

I confronted my spouse on it, and after a long few weeks, we've been working on solving our differences. I thought things were maybe getting better (but with doubts that something was still not right).

Three days ago, I wasn't home in the evening. My spouse was home alone. The next day, I found in the cookies section of the computer that he had visited a g*y singles website. I found a profile he created on the site, the night I was away. The profile creation date shows the same date as my absence. I'm sure it's his profile -- it contains his birthdate, the part of the city he lives in, stats, and the profile user name is typical of his. It says that he's looking for "friends, casual dating, and some fun too."

I don't know what to do. I found this out by searching the cookies in his computer account -- so I was snooping around in his stuff. Do I confront him, or do I wait a while longer and see if we're able to continue sorting things out. I'm working hard to save us, so I don't want to just throw everything away.

We've been married four years. I'm sure that he loves me, but I don't understand what's driving him to continue like this.

Answer 1

my bf likes to flirt in the computer a lot ,I found a lot of profile that he's made ,I don't mind because I know if he wants to leave he is the one that is gonna loose no me lol ,but in this case baby it is sad but your husband crossed the line one time ,he is gonna do again ,so live with that or say bye bye and move on ,there a lot of good people on the street  

Answer 2

Time to lay things out on the table. First of all, don't confront him in a defensive or combative manner, tell him what you have discovered and give him a chance to explain himself. Talk to each other, find an answer that both of you can live with. Doubt is a bad thing to deal with. It can lead to allegations, accusations and a fight. Don't take it there. Learn to trust one another and be open about it. Communication is the best thing.

Answer 3

I think you two need some couples counseling and he may need some counseling for sexual addiction. I wouldn't wait around for him to hook up with anyone. I would do some research, find a good counselor, set up an appointment, and when he gets home tonight lay it on him that you two will be going to get some help. If he doesn't go then you know he isn't serious about changing or remaining faithful to you. Good luck!

L

Answer 4

looks as if your wife has enjoyed a lot and she is still enjoying it....Pls dont mind...  

Answer 5

Your trust is gone, and it well should be...he is s******g around on you....don't be silly or a fool!

You have some decisions to make here...do you want to have an open relationship? ( I am sure he will object, for now he has his cake and eats it too!) Do not believe any more fairy tales, you are a little old to be taken in by this c**p, no matter how much YOU want to believe his lies!

Open relationships work fine IF both partners have no doubt that their mate will NOT fall in love along the way...but it would seem that your mate is seeing others more than once...and that is dangerous for the heart! If I were you, I would be taking steps to protect my assets now, rather than later...you do not want to end up alone AND broke! You have both reached the point where at least he finds s*x somewhat mundane (boring) with you...it is to be expected, don't go blaming yourself. You can spice things up with 3ways, or whatever. But, in any event, no way is he NOT s******g around....you know it and I know it. But, keep in mind that no one is going to get pregnant from this, (no children to support). He has given your home address out (very bad boy!) and is s******g around in YOUR bed (very bad boy!) I suggest a frank discussion with him, anytime he starts to lie (we all know when our mates start to lie) stop him dead in his tracks and tell him, not gonna work, we are talking truth here! Ground rules have to be set...no one in your home (you will end up with a robbery sooner or later, for he will bring the wrong person in, the joint will be cased, and sure enough, you will lose everything you two own. No dating the same person twice (easy, there are lots and lots of men out there).

Now, if this does not work for you, then you have a real problem, for if you leave him, you have no assurance the next will not do the same thing (trust me, been there, done that, have the scars). It is just as easy to put it on the table, draw up the rules...if he breaks the rules, then it is over. (I suspect it is over anyway from what you write.) Trust that no one is going to be faithful....just doesn't happen in the g*y world, no matter who tells you what...we ain't straight, we do not live by straight rules....h**l, even straights do not live by straight rules!   Life is NOT a fairy tale, so get into reality and make it work for both of you....what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I wish you love and peace, Goldwing

Answer 6

i think u should move on. i dno't think that ur man is the kinda person that is able 2 stay faithful to some1...

he probably gets bored of having s*x with the same person therefore he looks for other guys...

i think u should just file for a divorce and move on with ur life...

the more u r with him the more it'll hurt...

u guys have been married, promised 2 each other to be there for each other and he has broken that promise...

if he had any respect for u he would have never lied about it...

and the fact that he's "looking for fun" means that he wants 2 mess around with other guys...

even if u do talk to him he'll most likely make some promises that he won't do anything behind ur back or whatever... but he most likely will with time...

4 years is a long time for u guys to have known each other very well...

he never told u that he needed to be with other guys, that he can't be faithful... he's lied 2 u, and worse cheated on u....

no matter what u do he will only keep on cheating

Answer 7

This is really a tough situation for you and as someone, like you, who believes in monogamy, my heart really goes out to you. The questions that you want to ask yourself are:

1. Do you love him unconditionally?

2. Is what you have with him worth the pain that you may go through to work through these problems?

3. Does he love you?

4. Are you willing to do what it takes, both of you, to get beyond this and then leave it in the past?

I'm not a counselor, nor do I know the details of your relationship, but if you answered those questions "yes" then maybe this is worth toughing it out. My partner and I hit a rough spot and worked through it, but it took a toll on me terribly. Was it worth it? Yes, because in hindsight we're both better people for it and our relationship is stronger (there was no infidelity involved though either). Your partner may be suffering from some depression or something like that which is causing him to seek this as an escape. I'd start by getting some professional help involved - there is no shame in that at all. My very best to you both.

Answer 8

I had a similar problem, and it usually will not go away. It could be that he still loves you, but that he's no longer IN love with you. I just ended it, I couldn't deal with the suspicion and my trust was completely gone. If you choose to try and work it out, then you are a bigger person than I. Do you know for a fact this is the first? If this has been going on before, I would head to the clinic just to be sure that he hasn't caused you anything. It sounds horrible I know, but it's the fact. If there is no chance for reconciliation, it's best that you move on. Some people can make it past these sorts of things, but both parties have to be willing participants and really want to repair damage caused on both sides. Best of luck to you, as this may be one of the hardest things you'll have to face and deal with.

Answer 9

Confront him

if he loves you he'll stop

Answer 10

You are blinded by love for your husband but really you need to take a step back and look at how we on the outside view your marriage.

I am sure he loves you, but he was wholly prepared to meet that man for a date. If their wires hadn't got crossed, and you hadn't met the guy coming to meet him at your house, what would have happened between them? This leads me to think he could have been snooping about before...who is to say he hasn't cheated on you already...without you knowing? You've been clever enough to catch him out this far, but you simply don't know if that was the first time he's done something like this.

Also, your spouse can't be THAT interested in resolving your differences and moving on with your marriage if he's creating a profile on a dating website! Open your eyes and see that if the opportunity came along, he would cheat on you. I don't mean to be harsh but you're giving him way too much benefit of the doubt here. He could have cheated on you already, he most likely would have cheated on you with that guy who turned up at your house. And if some man messages him on his profile he would most probably cheat with him to. And naked photos? Shouldn't his body, in that way, be for your eyes only? He's been sending them to random strangers on the Internet.

You need to seriously talk to him. Let him know his behaviour is out of line. Maybe if you really want to catch him at his own game, set up an account on this g*y dating website and message him (pretending to be someone else of course) and see what he does. Ask him if he's single etc, and what kind of fun is he up for? But really, I don't think you even need to do that...you've seen his true colours already.