How should I handle my husband's family - they accused me of stealing their 3 yr old son's school bag!!!?

Question

I've never had that good a relationship with my husband's family. I don't know why but they never gave me a chance, his mum think's that I am not good enough for him. We have been married for 3 years and this has caused me a lot of unhappiness.

We didn't go on honeymoon because my husband's mum thought it would be nice if we stayed and went to his brother's 30 birthday. So yes we agreed to please her and I was ignored the whole time and every time I tried to help his mum got angry with me so I snuck out for a while!

Our whole wedding was based around what my husband "thought" his mum would want. I organised the whole thing and found it completely overwhelming, both in the preparation and on the day, and I don't know why I keep making these sacrifices when it they don't even realise and wonder why I am a little upset. I went on holiday three years in a row where they wanted to please them, and on the third year, went to see them, even though it was our honeymoon money, so I did appear a little "difficult" as I was so upset.

I know that I should be pleased to be able to go on holidays, and have a nice big wedding, but because it's not my choice I am angry and resentful.

They have since moved to Asia and we went to visit them there, and found that I was right, they blame me for my husband's arguements with his mum, even though I am constantly asking him to sort things out with her.

The way I have been brought up, is to discuss things, ok we're completely over the top, but I just feel there are all these things festering. I feel victimised as they label me as the "bad" one. I asked my husband to talk to his brother but I think it made it worse, and he said he didn't want to tell them why was upset incase they thought badly of him, so now they think I am nuts and horrible to my husband for nothing.

I know I should not be horrible to my husband, but often he makes me feel so isolated, that I am angry with him. If any of these things happened to him with my family, I would stand uo for him and try to resolve it. If ever someone in my family has said something against it, I have stuck up for him.

The crunch came when we left them in Asia after a few weeks at their place, they rang us shortly afterwards and said to me did I have their son's school bag, and then kept repeating "all we want is his school card", as if trying to appeal to my softer side. I'd buy my son his own school bag if I wanted one. When I said I didn't have it, they then spoke to my husband and asked him again.

I just don't think a family should operate like this and I find it incredible that my husband doesn't stick up for me, but he says he feels very much under the thumb of his family and I think he just needs to please them. Especially his mother.

But being accused of stealing has pushed me over the edge and I want to sort this out. One part of me thinks let rip, send them a letter explaining everything and then if it helps them understand me, well great, if not, then I tried (can't speak in person as we all live other parts of the world), the other part thinks let it go and just smile sweetly at them and let them hate me for turning my husband against his mother.

It is just that this has caused so much friction and resentment between me and my husband.

What shall I do?

Answer 1

First, I would never have been nice to them.  I would have said something right away.  they don't like it, Tough.  All this has gone on and your husband won't stand up for you?  Time to get a divorce.  

Answer 2

wow..i know what your going thru..well..my hubby and i are both asian..we came from different cultures..total opposites..my mother and father in law accused me of stealing their piggy bank in their living room and my husband did the same thing..i was pissed..not only that but his aunt talks **** about me his sister stole my clothes and his brother said im not family..and they even told my son that he's not "hmong"(i am..my husband is not). i think you should set your husband straight and just ignore his family..if they wont be nice when you have then they can f888 off and leave you guys alone..you dont need them..

Answer 3

As far as they are concerned , there is nothing you can say or do that will change them or their attitudes.  Seperating yourself from them is the only thing you can do.  You need to talk to your husband and explain to him that you love him, but you can not take the abuse from his family.  Be understanding in that he loves them, but if he loves you he will do what is neccesary to protect you from them.  From here on out, I would suggest no more holidays with them.  Set up a system where every other year, you & your husband spend it together and the other year he can go see them alone.  It will give you time to yourself and save yourself from their c**p.

Answer 4

Have you ever heard the expression"if you can't stand to hear the bear's growl; don't go in the cave?"  Well, for me, It would already be settled.  I would never ever go to see them again.  I would certainly let my husband go--without hassle--but you couldn't dynamite me to Asia or anywhere else to go see them.  Not after they had falsely accused me of stealing a stupid  bag.   No way.  I would tell me husband just that.  I would tell him once and once only why I feel the way I do and never mention it again, except to reinforce my determination not to subject myself to such abuse, by saying "have a great time, see you when you come home."  

Let him have his relationship with them, but no self respecting person has to tolerate that kind of emotional and verbal abuse from anyone, so you stay away from them.  They are control freaks.  Don't submit to it.  You don't have to.  

Answer 5

Wow..she just sounds plain rude. Why in the world would you even WANT His lunchbag?? What would you even do with it?? They can't think of anything else that you could have "Stolen?" What a bunch of idiots. Thank Goodness you live in another part of the world from them.

And not for nothing but for refusing to let you go on your honeymoon, just because they wanted you to go to a 30th birthday party is Ludicrous. Your husband needs to get a backbone and tell them that they are being ridiculous. Or for heaven sakes change your phone number, get caller ID, don't answer the phone...it is quite obvious that "Talking" to these people will not help you in the slightest. This will go on for the rest of your life. Don't live in this situation, disown them.