How should I handle my narcissistic mother in this situation?

Question

I'm a 25 yo married women with an 11 month old son and am struggling with how to handle my narcissistic mother. For years I have put up with her emotional abuse and instability and in recent years, with the help of my husband, have managed to distance myself enough to keep the relationship from being too detrimental. That ended this past June when we were supposed to help my parents move: two days before the event we received an email stating she did not want our son coming with us and if we couldn't "work within those parameters" then to not bother coming at all. It was impossible to get a babysitter at that point (as well as completely unreasonable) so to make a long story short we got in a fight, did not end up going, and have not spoken to them since. My father is normally quite reasonable and the peacemaker in these situations but this time unfortuately he has decided not to do anything and go along with my mother. During the almost two months of silence they neglected to let me know my grandmother had been diagnosed with lymphoma and did not call on my birthday or acknowledge an email I sent about my son's christening date. Today I got a random email from my mother stating "So what IS wrong with you these days?" No acknowledgement of the fight or what led to the silence, just questioning what my problem was. How do I reply to this? Should I bother to write her back at all?

Answer 1

Tell her you're still angry with her.  It's the truth right?  If she's truly narcissistic, I can imagine she'll try to invalidate your anger.  So the phone call/e-mail would not be a simple and painless one.  But honesty is really the best thing you can do for YOUR mental health.  Let you mother do as she wishes with the information.  But you'll feel better if you know you don't have to hide yourself and your true feelings when your around your mother.

She's made an attempt to communicate, albeit a clumbsy/accusatory one, like you're the whole problem here.  Let her be the one to give the silent treatment if she can't handle your feelings.

Answer 2

stay in touch with your grandmother on your own, don't rely on your mother to keep you informed about her.  She has proved to you that she will use your grandmother and denying other family information as a way to punish you.

your father lives with her and has decided to stay so he will side with her because it makes his life easier.  If you want to stay in touch with him separately then do so.

your mother sounds at best vindictive and controlling and at worst like she has an undiagnosed mental condition.  

Distance and limited time exposure is how you handle her.  

When she told you to leave your son or don't come then you should not have argued.  You should have only said "I'm sorry that's not possible.  If you really feel that way then you'll need to find someone else to help you."  When she then tried to argue you should have said, "sorry, I have to run." and hung up the phone or ignore the email/text.

She can't give you drama if you don't allow her to.

Ignore the email and contact her as if nothing happened.  If she pushes the issue then tell her--she's the one who cut off contact and you figured that she'd get in touch with you when she was ready.

For the rest of your life--focus on your husband and son.  Keep mom on the sidelines.  She is no longer the center of your universe and you don't need to let her force herself there.  Once you can get your mind wrapped around that---her drama won't upset, phase or otherwise impact your life anymore.  you'll just say  "oh that's mom again."