How should I handle the changes in my friends personality, she was molested? ?

Question

My friend was molested a couple of months ago, and even though the secrets out and her mother knows and everything I have noticed some changes in her. She is very agitated these days, almost aggressive. She gets extremely irritated and says people are in her space. She takes it seriously when I jokingly tease her. She is always thinking that I am mad at her or leaving her. When I talk to her about it she says she is sorry and presumes it’s her mistake.

I knew long before she told her mother, I convinced her to tell her mother. Ever since then our friendship has somewhat plummeted. I think she still blames me for the fact that I made her tell her mother and everything is very different now. The thing is though I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and every time she acts aggressive or something I take it as a sign that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and I pull back, and I think she picks up on this.

I know that there would be some changes in her behavior but I didn’t realize it would be so much. Why is she acting like this and what can I do, how should I act around her?

Only mature answers please…

Answer 1

Just continue to be supportive.  Shes gone through a very tough thing and the wounds are still fresh.  Be there for her, be understanding.  I also think at the same time you should sit her down and talk to her about it.  Let her know you care about her, and love her very much, assure her you will always be her friend, but the way she is behaving is hard for you to deal with.  Ask her what you can do to help her be happier, and come up with suggestions together about how you guys can overcome it.

Good luck

Answer 2

Her personal intimate psychological space, her sense of self, has been violated and you wonder why she overreacts to people being in her space? It would be the same if someone had cut you deeply in the palm of your hand, and everyone you met (right afterwards, when the wound is still fresh and tender) kept wanting to shake your hand. Even if they wanted to be 'gentle', gentle for them and gentle for you are too different standards (they aren't the ones with the major open wound someone is ignorantly brushing up against.)

She is aggressive because her instincts have kicked in, and she is trying to actively stave off more abuse now (rather than doing it passively, like she did before.) Her body and mind are in post-abuse mode. Think of post 9/11: every muslim looks like a 'terrorist' now. That kind of feeling doesn't just go away a few months later.

She is afraid she will send you away because victims of abuse do not understand boundaries. They think in terms of extremes: either the person is completely violating me, so close to me I can't breathe, or they are abandoning me, and I am left all alone. Because they do not see how their reactions are the result of a damaged process, they think they are the ones at fault (which is worse when the abuser also does nothing to make them think otherwise, but that's a whole other can of worms.) Thus, they drive people away (because they are looking to feel 'safe' again, and you can't feel safe around other people after being violated) and then feel guilty because they are driving people away.

It isn't that she doesn't want to be your friend, it is that she is trying to deal with a whole bunch of issues she has a small idea about, and trying to deal with them on her own is driving her nuts. She NEEDS you to be her friend, to stick with her through all her c**p, because what she needs is to see that its ok to drive some people away (abuser) who never come back but its also ok to drive friends away because they will come back. She is trying to set boundaries, and you can help her by being her friend. It sounds like you two could learn alot from each other, and have a strong friendship as a result.