How should I handle this? (kinda long, bear with me)?

Question

My brother and his girlfriend of a few years recently split. He was going to a wedding and needed a date. I was visiting with a friend of mine and he asked if she might accompany him as a favor. She agreed. I felt a little uncomfortable with the arrangement, but decided to suck it up since it was a one time thing. He lives out of town so she was going to drive up that morning to spend the day. It was a non- alcoholic afternoon wedding. I called her the night before the wedding and she didnt answer. The next night she called me. Apparently she slep over the night before the wedding and was going to stay over that night as well. (You know, because of the distance, she said) It's a 2 and half hour drive. During our conversation I heard her turn to him and ask "What Babe?" I was bothered but decided to wait until she was home to talk about it. When she got home I explained to her how unconfortable I was with their "weekend getaway" and how I should have been more upfront with my feelings from the start. She claimed it was nice to get away for the weekend and strictly a friend thing. Basically, I bought it. I spoke briefly with my brother and he acted like it was no big deal, claimed I overrracted. We all moved on.

Now, 2 weeks later. I find out that they have continued speaking and she spent the night over there again recently. When I confronted her she said she had been under alot of stress lately and his company was comforting. I was floored. I thought she knew how I felt and understood. My brother said he was sorry and thinks that's enough for me. Currently, I am not on speaking terms with either of them. Where do I go from here?

Answer 1

I'm not sure what your issue with the situation is...  Why don't you want them to see each other?  Well, either way, I wouldn't worry about it too much.  I would quit being mad at them, and let them work it out.  They live far away from each other, he's just out of a relationship, and the bottom line is, there's a good chance that it will be a fling that just lasts a little while, and then it's done.  So don't waste your time being upset or mad at them.  Be happy for them that they're both entertained for now, and let them have fun.  From the way it sounds, it's not going to be a permenant thing.

Answer 2

Have you considered taking your brothers advice and letting yourself off the hook..thats enough for you.  No bitterness but you release them to make the choices that they choose.  You made your brother aware as well as your friend and lyou can be free to let it go.  One time I helped a friend and her husband through a rocky situation.  The wife was having an affair.  They made it through thanks to my help however, because they never really changed their mindsets about affairs and they still later each found others to be with and eventually broke up and had to divide custody of their three children.  

My piont is that they both know the choices they are making and they are sticking with them.  Love them but take the advice and let it go.  Be on a polite basis and go on with your day to day life.  If they change their minds about the life style they are choosing they know you will support them and will come to you.  

Answer 3

not to diminish your concern, but one of every 4 sexually active people has herpes. and hpv: even more. i would guess that your brother has slept with more than 4 people. as such, it is likely he has already had to navigate the std waters and keep himself safe, as many of us have. it is very unfortunate for you that you know this information, particularly that she hasn't been upfront about it, because it does, i understand, put you in a tough position. i would like to tell you to let it go, that you can't meddle/control/get involved, but...well, i imagine that is unrealistic. in that case, i would very gently tell your friend something like the following:

it's hard for me to act like only your friend and not only his sister in this situation, so please know that this is not about you as a person but about me as a sister. can you promise me that you will discuss your history with my brother? can you promise me that you guys are using condoms. i know it really isn't my business, but, well, he's my brother, and so it does sort of become my business. i care about him and his health and need to know that he can make informed choices about this. i am not going to discuss it with him --  i just need to knwo that you have.

beyonf that, you do need to let the relationship go. you say you are not on speaking terms with either of them??? that doesn't really make any sense. how YOU feel about them being together is not really important. it's not about you. (i'm sorry -- not trying to be harsh. i know it may come across like that in text) they do not have a resposnibilty to you where their intimacy is concerned, as much as you may emotionally feel like they do. they really don't. i mean, not speaking to them why? because they did what two adults almost always do: hook up at a wedding? not to mention, i doubt your brother would have asked her to go if he had no interest. you know that. i don't even understand why your brother apologized...

again, the std info puts in you in a tough spot, for sure. talk to your friend. and then try to find a way to accept the rest. chances are, it won't last (yeah, i'm cynical). and if it does, hey, great: you already like your sister in law.

good luck.