How should I handle this situation with my best friend and her fiance?I really need help and advice

Question

I have been friends with my best friend for almost my entire life. Recently she got engaged and seems quite happy with her fiance and he seems very happy with her. However, I notice things that worry me alot and I don't know how to talk about it. He has admited to her that although he may try, he may not always be faithful to my best friend once they're married and actually, she seems ok with that as long as he is honest with her. Another thing, is that he gets very bossy with my best friend and I always feel that I need to stand up for her when we all hang out. I know that he also has extreme anger problems due to an extremely abusive childhood, but he has said over and over again that he would never hurt my best friend because he loves her. I've asked my friend if she is truly happy and she genuinely seems to be very happy. What should I do and what should I say to them? I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

You don't say anything unless you feel she is in danger. She has chosen this man and nothing you say will make her change her mind - it's unfortunate but true. Criticizing her fiance will hurt and anger her, and may end your friendship. It's much more important that you remain close to her as a friend, so that you can be there to support her when/if things get difficult, than to make your opinion clear.

Answer 2

There is nothing you can do or say....she's an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions. You will alienate her if you try to interfere.

Just be there for her when the marriage breaks up...which it will.

Answer 3

I don't think its cool that your friend allows him to walk all over her like that, especial about the cheating part. Theirs no way in h**l a man would tell me hes gonna be unfaithful to me but still marry me because he would be out the door, that was like a warning and she still over looked it. If he does have extreme angry issues, he should go to someone to get help and talk out his problems because if he holds them in any longer he could take it out on your friend, even if though he say it would never hurt her. But if their happy together and she wants to be with him, then that's her decision.

Answer 4

Wow, it sounds like she is in love with the idea of being engaged and getting married and is willing to have a less than adequate, less than perfect guy.  Maybe you should let her see this question that you posted and see everyone's response.  This relationship has disaster and heartbreak written all over it.  The best thing that you can do as a friend is to be there to pick her up when she falls.  It might take some time for it to happen but it will.  Hopefully they won't have any kids.  

It sounds like she has fallen perfectly into the roll of "domestic violence victim" because she is already accepting that he is going to cheat and is angry and probably verbally abusive at times.  It will get worse over the years when you add in more cheating, feelings of neglect, feelings of insecurity, feelings of suspicion, the stress of money issues, jobs, kids, etc.  Yes, it is going to fail.  Be there to pick her up when it happens.    

Answer 5

I think you should sit down and talk to her about this only once. Tell her that you see things that she may not and you just want her to be happy. Let her know that (if it is true) that you like her fiancee however you want to make sure is truly ok with what you have said here. If she tells you she is and that this is something that she wants then you have done what you needed to do. Just remember to be there for her. She will need that. Don't knock her fiancee is any way and make sure she understands that you will be there for her if she EVER ever needs to talk.

Answer 6

Sadly, you can do nothing at this point but be supportive of your friend. She's already made it clear that she is "OK" with whatever her fiance does/feels/thinks etc.

When (and not if) the time comes for her to finally see him for the manipulative, abusive and unfaithful rat he really is, then be supportive there as well.

But sadly, although you can see the waterfall from your vantage point, she cannot.

All you will be able to do is pick up the pieces.

Answer 7

If you bring up your concerns she will likely distance herself from you. The boyfriend will always trump the best friend. It sucks, but its true.

She also needs you as a friend, now and quite possibly in the future.

Just be supportive of her. If she expresses concern, be open and let her know that she can talk to you. If she comes to you with some incident, you can say something like "What he did is not right" but try to not put him down too much or she will push you away. Be a friend, and if she needs your help, hopefully she will come to you first.

Answer 8

Talk to her alone.  Tell her that no matter what you will support her because its her happiness you are looking out for.

Let her know that she should not allow ANYONE to cheat on her and that if someone was willing to do so that is not true love.

That you worry that his controlling behavior and anger will only get worse.

Tell her that you will always be there but ask her to really think about all of this before getting married!