How should I respond to my dropout-bridesmaid's email?

Question

My wedding is four states away from where all of my family and friends are. I definitely understood if someone couldn't make it due to money issues and so we're having a really intimate wedding. She told me from the beginning that she was definitely in for being one of my three bridesmaids.

I was under the impression that she had already purchased her dress when I received an EMAIL stating that "unfortunately she wasn't going to be able to make it". Without reason. I responded quickly with an 'it's ok' statement. She wrote back and gave me the lamest excuse about not being able to find a babysitter for her 13 year old (her husband wasn't planning on coming and originally he was to stay with the daughter).

The thing I'm upset most about is the fact that she canceled via email one month from the wedding date. I made sure she knew what she was getting into months in advance. Now I've got two bridesmaids :( She's still my "friend" I suppose so I don't want to be ugly to her. How should I respond? I want to come across stern and let her know how I feel without creating a bad situation.

...oh and her $80 bouquet was already paid for

Answer 1

you did the right thing. Ignore it for now, put her in the back of your mind, because you have enough to stress about right now. You can use the bouquet for your boquet toss (if your doing one) so that way you can keep/preserve yours  

Answer 2

There's no way of adressing this tastefully so if it were me, I would email her again (not by phone so it doesn't seem like a confrontation as such) I'd say :

''I understand that for whatever reason you now can't make it but you need to realise the position you have put me in with one month to go. My intention is not to start an arguement, but I ask you to give me $80 to cover the cost of your banquet because it has already been paid for as you led me to believe that you would be there. I don't think this is an unreasonable request considering the circumstances.''

Best of luck. I hope you have a beautiful wedding without her.

Answer 3

Answer that you understand & still have a wonderful wedding.  I am a bridesmaid right now in a wedding that is out of state & the expense is way more than I had expected & I am having to go more in debt to be a bridesmaid in this wedding.  I also have a child to worry about & it is an enormous burden(not having a child is a burden, but having to take the child through several states is... or finding childcare).  If you have children, you probably understand it.  If you don't have kids, there is no way you could understand.  Just be understanding... I'm sure she did not want to do this, but it is a huge thing to ask someone to come several states away to be in a wedding.  She probably had good intentions at first & then finally realized what all was involved too late.  She is still your friend.

Answer 4

She may not realize that this is causing you any problems.  I got the same reaction from my sister who was to be my MOH.  She wasn't sure she'd be able to find a dress in time, and just said very matter-of-factly a month before the wedding, "Well,  I can always just sit out of your wedding."  I spoke to her about it afterwards, and it was obvious she didn't realize sitting out of the wedding would cause a problem for me.  She viewed at as being MOH was just an honor for the person chosen, and the bride wasn't getting anything from having the person standing there.  I explained to her that it was going to cause problems with the bridal party being uneven and that it was important for me to have her standing by my side.  After she understood that, she went out and got a dress fairly quickly.  

You might want to call up your bridesmaid and have a similar talk with her to see if you can change her mind.  If she still can't make it, you might want to see if you can find somebody else who will stand in for you on short notice.

Answer 5

Sounds like she may be having some problems at home. I would let it go, and either find another girl to take her place, or see if you could get your money back on the flowers. There really isn't anything else you can do, or you will look like the villain.  

Answer 6

I don't know that there is anything else you can do without coming off as rude. Say that you will really miss her and you are sorry that she had to back out so close to the wedding. She should have figured it out earlier and at least picked up the phone and given a reason upfront, but its not really your job to educate her here. It stinks, but she may have had a sudden money issue come up that she didn't want to admit.

I am sure your wedding will still be wonderful. As long as you, the groom, and the officiant show you will be fine.

Answer 7

She should have called you and told you at least voice to voice.  It has put you into a bine,   Do you possibly have someone else that could stand in her place?  Get a dress just like the two others or maybe even something similar or close to it. Don't dwell on it, at least you have a month.  Surely you can fine someone.  I'm sure glad to here that you still consider her as a friend because you just never know the circumstances that has caused her to have to cancel.  I'm sure that it was hard for her also.  It's true, it's truly your day, and you want it to be perfect and sometimes things happen that just can't be helped.  Good Luck.

Answer 8

Wow, that sucks.

As I was reading your question, I got the strongest feeling that this women is being abused by her husband.  Maybe not physically (yet) but certainly emotionally.  The idea that he is behind this is so strong and I don't know why I'm feeling this.

If this woman is your friend, there's not too much you can do.  I think your response needs to be along the lines of "I'm so sorry you won't be coming.  I was looking forward to seeing you and having you share the day."  And leave it there.  Your wedding can proceed just fine with only 2 bridesmaids.

Nothing will be served by getting worked up about it.  You'll just end up feeling bad and you have enough to deal with right now.

As for the bouquet, can the florist modify the order so that the flowers that would have been in her bouquet become an arrangement for the church or reception or your home?

Good luck with the rest of the planning and with your wedding day.

Answer 9

heh... yeah the same thing happened to me, except she cancelled on me  A WEEK before the wedding- stating it was because of money issues she couldnt get her dress when she just bought a bearded dragon and all its c**p. so yeah i told her how hurt i was and she responded with a load of curse words and name calling and now we are not talking.

if you dont mind taking the risk of loosing her friendship, tell her exactly how you feel. a true friend will understand, a fake one will act like mine did. at least it will help you weed out who really cares and who doesnt.

Answer 10

hmmm

maybe you did something to p**s her off.

maybe its your fault.

did you sleep with her man?

ok. maybe it wasnt that extreme.

but look inside yourself first.

then talk to her. ask her why she cancelled. gotta be a reason other than a sitter.

Answer 11

$80 bucks is nothing, u just have to wear that expense, but as for your so called 'friend' tell her to take a long walk of a short Pier, she ain't no friend trust me if she cant make it to your wedding, i don't care if she has 100 kids that need baby sitting u make it work! get rid of her she is dead weight dragging your boat of life to the ocean floor.

Answer 12

Try to take a moment and compose yourself.  I know it may be difficult for you to understand but she may have a problem that makes it impossible for her to be your bridesmaid that she may not be telling you about.  I think the best thing you can do is take the high road and tell her that while you are disappointed that she won't be there on your special day, you understand.  Period, end of story.  Personally, I would not mention the bouquet even though it did cost $80.  I am sure that you can divide the bouquet flowers among the bride and grooms parents and grandparents or for a special center piece.  I know that this may be a difficult pill to swallow but sometimes these things are out of our control and we can either pitch a fit or take the high road.  Be a true lady and take the high road.  Your friend will know that you are a true friend.