How should I tell my children we're emigrating?

Question

I've been offered a job in New Zealand. There's 5 of us, me - my wife and 3 children - My wife's up for it, I'm excited, my oldest (16) has nearly completed GCSE's, other 2 are 14 and 12.

It's turning out to be a terrible task convincing the kids it's a good move because they have friends here in the UK and NZ is so far away.

What should I say to them.

Thanks.

Answer 1

I think maybe it would be good to offer a few little carrots by way of some exciting things they can do when they get here. Do some research as a family and then get each child to make a plan for a weekend or holidays, doing the activities that appeal to them. Talk to them a lot about clubs and activities they want to be involved in and maybe help them research what is available in the area where you will be living etc. In other words get them involved in planning and anticipating coming. Make it a fun, adventure. Leaving friends is difficult but if they anticipate new friendships, and that they are fortunate with email , as they can keep in touch with their old friends fairly easily. Your 16 year old will probably find it the most difficult coming into a different school system at this stage.

We moved a round quite a bit when our children were young and they both did a student exchange so were educated in 4 countries.

You don't say how long you may be here?

Maybe if it is only a couple of years you can work around what they will see and do and be able to bring back with them. It really is a great experience for them, and New Zealand is a lovely country to come to. Not too different to home and there are a lot of English people here. Also they don't have the language problem.

My children weren't happy a couple of times about changing schools etc but in fact within a week or two of doing so they had made new friends and loved their new school. So it is a normal reaction, but they will probably be fine once they get over the initial first few weeks.

Good Luck - I hope they all really enjoy New Zealand.

May be they will see something that appeals to them here -

http://www.holidays-in-newzealand.com

Answer 2

Tell them it will be a big adventure and that, with the internet they will be able to keep in contact with their friends as well as make new friends so they'll have friends on both sides of the world.  

Let them research New Zealand on the internet and talk about the things they find out.  

Tell them you know it's a bit scary - leaving what you know and travelling to the other side of the world is probably a bit scary for you and your wife too so tell them that as well.

Answer 3

I know this won't work on the kids but if it is any consolation I know 2 UK families here in Wellington that had the same issue before they came and now the kids are the ones saying they never want to go back.  

Change is challenging when it is inflicted upon you but often it turns out to be a good thing in hindsight.  Try to think of some examples where you didn't want to do something and had to and it turned out OK.  

Good luck.  It is a great place to live we came 15 years ago from Leicester and could never go back permanently.  Our kids were born here though so never had the problem.  They say they want to live in UK for a couple of years when they are 18+  The World is a lot smaller than it used to be!

Answer 4

Nothing ! send them a postcard when u get there.

Answer 5

Well my father used to tell us the good things about the other country for example horse back riding beach

Answer 6

the advice to go out there with the option of coming back if you don't like it is really bad because at the first set-back you're giving yourself permission to run away ... you've got to set your mind to a more realistic time frame, I'd suggest a couple of years, as in my experience the first six months or so is the "honeymoon" period where new and different is enchanting, then the next year or so all the niggles kick in about adjusting to a new place and a new way of life, but then if you stick it out for a  couple of years you have really given yourself a chance to adapt ... if after that amount of time you really don't feel you've settled, and can't see yourself doing so, then you've given it a fair chance and it's no shame to give up and come back ... there's also the money side of it, could you really afford the expense of relocating again so quickly?

I don't envy you the task of convincing your kids, teenagers get very scared of change ... a piece of advice I once read about handling teenagers is that first of all you decide what you want to do and what's going to happen, second you sit the whole family down at the dining table for a family conference, third you announce the idea you have and ask for their opinions and suggestions on what decision you should make and you all sit around the table and debate for a while making sure that everyone has a chance to a fair say, then finally you look very thoughtful and considerate and thank them for all their advice and opinions and say that in the light of everything you've discussed you've decided whatever it was you'd decided in the first place ... this is practical democracy ... once you've announced your decision it's final and everyone just has to get on with it

Answer 7

It will be very hard for them. My parents moved us between 2 cities in the same country and adjusting at that age is not easy. Kids already have their friends and unless they are really outgoing will have a hard time fitting in. Good luck!

Answer 8

Variations on..it'll mean a better life for us, you'll be able to grow up in a different culture, experience things that most people will never see. So close to the Islands, Fiji, Micronesia..imagine holidays Scuba Diving, in Australia, even Asia is relatively close.

They'll make some new friends and they'll find out who their real friends are, the ones who keep in touch.

The Internet is great, they can chat on IM's, use web cams, still watch favourite TV shows and films. It's a small world.

In 2 years your eldest can return for Uni and meet up with old friends, your youngest will have to wait a little longer though.

Answer 9

Johnny boy would you get me the suitcases from the attic?

But honestly, you can't convince the kiddies that it is a good  move, because YOU don't know (yet). Go there yourself for a couple of months and try to convince yourself that it will be a good move.

Don't mess up their education too much.

Answer 10

I'm sure it's tough to tell anyone they are EMIGRATING .

Answer 11

I'm in a similar position. I didn't go with my kids dad to Perth 4 years ago because I would not take my son out of high school, he was 12 then, now he's 17 and his position is even more entrenched plus he's got a girlfriend. Think now maybe I should have gone when I had more control.

I'm taking both my kids for the summer to see their dad and hoping they'll love it, if they do I'll leave here asap, if they don't I'll stay here another 2 years till my lad leaves college and I'll move there with my daughter who still won't be in high school and hope my son will eventually see sense and join us.

I didn't want to split them but he'll be goin his own way anyway and I don't want to be stuck in old Blighty.

Will you post it up what you do then I can see how I can handle it.

From past experience I would say go and try it, your kids have got each other after all so they won't be lonely and they can help each other through it.

Answer 12

I've moved countries 4 times in my life as a child, and my parents just told me straight up. 'Dad's been offered a much better job in --, we are going to move there in ---'. They'll adapt. Both me and my sister are absolutely fine. Actually, we're probably better for it. We feel like 'global citizens', and going anywhere, trying new things, etc, doesn't phase us.

The only thing I'd say though is once they arrive there,y ou have to be there for them a lot no matter how much you have to do yourself. Starting a new school is hard, let alone starting a new one in a different culture, and they need support. But kids are hardy and they will adapt. Plus, they're lucky. NZ is a wonderful place to grow up.

By the way, the advice to tell them that it's only 3 months is really bad!! Don't lie to them! If you do, they'll always feel betrayed.

Answer 13

Congratulations - wonderful opportunity.

We will be doing the same - but Oz rather than NZ and one child rather than 3.

We have discussed this as a family adventure - and are honest that it might not work. We think it will and are showing just how keen we are. At first our child was really devastated (and they have moved house a lot already - but never moved country). Things are much better now. We've talked about using the internet to keep in touch and how some friends might go out to Oz during gap years etc. and also that it's possible to move to Uk as an adult.

We also say that if, after a fair time there (2-3 years), we do not like it, that we are not afraid to try living somewhere else (including UK - which is not my and hubby's birth country anyway).

But the excitement of the lifestyle and loads of beautiful new places to explore and the climate... we are so excited (and apprehensive).

Good luck and congratulations on the job offer.

Answer 14

obviously if you have a job offer you know were your locating to in nz. , it is nice to do what i have done and spend 2 month with my family touring the length and breadth of the north island, spending 5 days or so in several towns getting the lay of the land in different area's, in fact we covered more or less every where, you may get to where your going and dislike it not knowing all the other options, tell the kids it's gonna be a great adventure for all of you, and as long as your all together it's gonna be great, in a couple of years your oldest will probably make there mind up to do there own thing, and of course you have to respect that, but don't end up with a missed oppertunity kids soon adjust to new things, and it's a small world nz. is just over a day away from the uk. i stayed home to be with me dad many years ago,while my brothers and sisters took off all over the place, if he'd of known that he'd of kicked me backside, if yer up for it get yerself gone,dont be sat there in 10 or 15  years the kids have buggered off and your sat there the 2 of yer thinking of what could have been, and if yer go don't go with a return plan in mind, that gives you an easy way out, yer kids have a life time to sort there lives out you don't

Answer 15

The best way would be to tell them you are only going out for 3 months to start. Keep your own options open as well as allowing theirs to be kept open too.

I once heard that if you want to give up smoking, never tell yourself that that's it, no more cigarettes ever, as that'll make you feel worse.

Instead, no more cigarettes until tomorrow, then tomorrow, no more until the next day.

If you go to NZ with this in mind, that you can always come back tomorrow, or next week, or next month, that'll ease you and the children into the situation.

I'm absolutely certain that once you're out there, no-one will ever want to come back.

Hope this helps.