How should a Mother treat their wayward 17-year-old daughter?

Question

My best friend has a 17-year-old daughter who is treating her Mother terrible. She left her home recently for her Father's and said she was never coming back because she got mad at my friend. My friend through a court order brought her back home. Now, her daughter is making threatening remarks daily and keeps begging to live with her Father. The girl's father sexually abused her as a child and is a control freak and naturally the Mother doesn't want her to live with her. Also, every time I try to talk with my friend she is making sarcastic remarks on the phone and yelling at her Mom to get off the phone and fix her something to eat and basically acting like a huge brat. I can't stand it. My friend tells me she caters to her or walks away when she starts begging to go live with her Father. What do you think her Mother should do? She is at her wit's end and I am about at my wit's end always having to put up with her daughter's bad behavior.

Answer 1

She is 17 and no longer a child and there is little that can be done. It is to late now, she should have done something when she was much younger. I think she will have no choice but to let her daughter go or her daughter will insure she regrets it.

Answer 2

Mom needs to lay down the law. She should've been doing it years ago. At this point it's almost too late.

She needs you to tell her like it is. Speak your mind to her and maybe she'll see the light. If not, it is likely that things will only get worse.

I could be totally wrong, but I get the feeling your friend has some issues of her own. She ABSOLUTELY has to stand up for herself and be assertive. Is she shows signs of insecurity or lack of confidence when she speaks to her daughter, her daughter will see right through her.

Stuff to tell her.. Call her daughter's bluff. You want to go? Fine. Here are your bags. I'll even pack them for you. I love you so much, but if you think it is so much better somewhere else, then go. Here are your bags. I'm going to the store. I'll be back in two hours. I hope you are still here when I get back, but if not, it was your decision. I love you, but I can't argue with you forever.

When she is bratty: Last time I checked, you were 17 years old. If you are going to have your own place one day, you better start practicing now.

Just some thoughts....

Answer 3

Honestly speaking that child needs a good hiding, it never hurt to have a hiding when you're wrong. Does the child know that her father sexually abused her? If she doesn't, it may be a good time to tell her.  

Answer 4

First of all I am so sorry for your friend. It sounds like the child needs to see a psychologist very badly. It sounds like she wants to live with her Father because he gives in to her. It is common for sexual abusers to treat the child like she is a princess to 'reward" her for the s*x. She either doesn't remember consciously what he did, or she thinks it is worth what she gets. Sounds like low self esteem. Even though she acts sure of her self, she isn't. Please get her and Mom into counseling, they will be much better off. If money is an issue, and it is with most of us, try the school, or maybe the department of children and family services.

Answer 5

if i had a daughter like that there would be yelling i am probably the toughest yeller no one can scream louder than me except my niece i am 13 and my niece is 7months she is LOUD! we have screaming compotitions alot  

Answer 6

This teenage girl sounds really ungrateful. She obviously has a problem and if I were her mother I would take her to see a therapist or start enforcing some VERY harsh punishment. If I ever ordered my mom around I would get a slap across the face.  

Answer 7

Your friend has lost control of her daughter, and, truthfully, doesn't have much time to regain control -- she'll be 18 soon, and then she will REALLY be uncontrollable and be able to make her own decisions about where to live, etc.  Unfortunately, I think this is a lost cause.

The mother is working from a position of fear, not of authority.  She's afraid of her daughter going back to her ex-husband, and as a result, the daughter is using that fear to blackmail your friend.

She can grit it out until the girl is18, but one thing is for sure:  She should NOT tolerate being yelled out, interrupted on the phone, etc.  She can STILL take away the cell phone, the car, the TV, the computer for misbehavior, even at 17, if she has the intestinal fortitude to put up with the screams and yells.

I do think that counseling MIGHT be useful, but again, she doesn't have much time.  The daughter has so many issues that I don't know how many of them can be resolved in the short window of time that the mom has with her.  I assume the daughter had counseling when she was sexually abused -- but if not, the little darlin' should be hustled off to counseling ASAP.  It's messed up, to want to live with the control freak that abused you. In her mind, her father loves her, not her mother.  It's sad that that should be her benchmark for love.

Answer 8

Wow that's a tough one. Maybe try some counseling?  

Answer 9

sounds like she wants to live with her father, then let her go, he probably wont want her as he sounds like a pedo who likes 'little' girls

your friend certainly shouldnt have to put up with that kind of behaviour