How should we adopt?

Question

My husband have two children of our own and have always someday wanted to adopt. Well just today while talking to a friend she told me of her little sister who has become pregnant for the 5th time she is 23 years old and says she knows she cannot have another baby and wants to give her up for adoption. she is now 7 mos. pregnant. I have a few questions. would it be unwise to adopt locally I fear that even my friend would treat the baby differently or tell her before we would be ready to tell her about the adoption. She's already saying she still wants the baby to call her auntie. I wouldn't want my adopted baby to feel any different from the children that I already have.or should we adopt and move away? also should we wait til after the baby is born to make sure this is what she, the birth mom really wants or should we get a lawyer now?

Answer 1

It sounds like the mother wants an open adoption, but you're not sure that's what you want. If you don't want the same type of adoption, you'd be better off adopting elsewhere. It's not fair to the mother or child to agree to an open adoption but then not honor the agreement. You can contact your local Department of Children and Family Services to find out about adopting one of the many, many children in foster care who need families.

Two things I'd like to mention are that you'll need to be certain that adoption is ultimately what the mother wants no matter where you go to adopt and that it's extremely important that your child knows from the start that s/he is adopted. I cannot remember a time that I did not know. Children who find out later have a tougher time with it than children who know from the beginning.

I'm pretty certain you won't get crucified here. You will, however, get many different views about the best way to go. That's probably what you'd like to get anyway and if she really wants to adopt call this number 1800-720-5478

Answer 2

First, you need to actually verify that this child is available for adoption, if you haven't heard it from the biological mother. Consulting an adoption lawyer is something you should do asap, even if its just a consultation on the process. Or contact your local child services office.The best solution would be to start this as soon as possible before the baby is born, because its a complicated process. Every state has different laws that allow a waiting period to give the biological mother a chance to change her mind. Also depending on the arrangements between both parties, some parents want to be there for the birth of the child, if the bio-mother consents.

If you do not know any mixed adopted families, a good thing would be to research an adoption family support group online, so you can communicate with people who have been through the process. They can provide support, and inside information.

In regards to the Auntie situation...that will be a personal decision for your family. If your going to have an open adoption, then calling her auntie may be a good connection for the child. If its a closed adoption w/ no contact allowed, then it may become uncomfortable, moving may be a better option. Or she becomes Auntie...in an honorary way like most families have honorary aunts & uncles, but make it clear to the woman it will be up to you and your husband to explain to the child as it grows about the adoption if she crosses the line, then she is not allowed contact.

Its not something that another person can tell you, if this baby is meant for you, if you feel it is meant to be, then its decision time. Start the legal process, and consider whether an open adoption is the option w/ close contact w/ the babies bio-family, or supervised prearranged contact, or relocate.

Answer 3

I think that you and your husband need to do some soul searching about whether this situation is something that you will be able to deal with in the future.  It sounds like the family wants a very open adoption whereas you seem to be looking for a semi-open or closed adoption.  To adopt the baby and then move away so the family cannot have contact would be a very cruel trick to play on your friend and her family.  How would you explain that to your adoptee when he/she asks about his/her family?

If I were you, I would start reading up on open adoption as that seems to be what the family wants and decide whether or not it is for you.  If it is, then I would tell the family that an option is for you to adopt the child and then back off.  I would also interview lawyers and have one ready if needed.

Your adoptee will be different.  All of the plotting, scheming, and pretending in the world will not change that.

Answer 4

First, yes, you should wait until she has given birth.  There's a very, very good chance she will change her mind.  She should probably have some time with her child to recover from giving birth before she makes a huge decision like this.  

Second, please do some research on adoption, and the effects of adoption on adoptees.  Read "The Primal Wound".  Adoptees should be told from the very beginning that they are adopted, and they should have a relationship with their biological family if at all possible.  This woman doesn't sound like she is abusive, addicted to drugs, or mentally ill, so there is no reason to keep her from her baby.  

Every person has the right to know who they are, where they come from, and all the details of their own history.  You sound like a very compassionate, loving person.  Spend as much time as you can reading and researching.  Some of the information on this site can be hard to read at times, but it's a great place to learn!  Good luck!

Answer 5

You said:

" I wouldn't want my adopted baby to feel any different from the children that I already have."

This is an IMPOSSIBLE goal.  Adopted children are inherently different--they have 4 parents, not 2 like most people.

The goal in adoption is not to wipe the slate clean, and make this child in your image.  You need to do a lot of research about adoption before you move ahead with this adoption or another.  Growing up adopted is VERY different than growing up in an intact biological family, like your children do.

PLEASE do some research, or you and this child are bound to be disappointed, and while it would just be an event for you--for an adopted child it's a lifetime.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.babyscoopera.com

A study of adoption:

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Answer 6

It sounds like the mother wants an open adoption, but you're not sure that's what you want.  If you don't want the same type of adoption, you'd be better off adopting elsewhere.  It's not fair to the mother or child to agree to an open adoption but then not honor the agreement.  You can contact your local Department of Children and Family Services to find out about  adopting one of the many, many children in foster care who need families.

Two things I'd like to mention are that you'll need to be certain that adoption is ultimately what the mother wants no matter where you go to adopt and that it's extremely important that your child knows from the start that s/he is adopted.  I cannot remember a time that I did not know.  Children who find out later have a tougher time with it than children who know from the beginning.

I'm pretty certain you won't get crucified here.  You will, however, get many different views about the best way to go.  That's probably what you'd like to get anyway.

Answer 7

GO FOR IT!

it doesnt matter how you get the child, before or after. Adopting a child is the most selfless thing you can do for another being

Answer 8

good luck getting an informative answer on this site -- prepare to be crucified . . .

but for the record -- Gaia does have a good answer.  If she already has 4 kids, i can't imagine she's going to give the 5th one up.

how is she supporting these children?  where is the father of the child?

Answer 9

If you are thinking about adopting, you need to complete a home study first - even in a private adoption.  The home study can take as long as 3 months, so you will have to find someone who can expedite.

I don't know what state you are in, but the birth mother can not legally sign away her rights until after the baby is born...usually its 48-72 hours.

If you adopt, tell your child from the beginning!  There is no reason that you should have to sit down and have "the big talk", it should just be a natural part of the child's life.

If she wants an open adoption and you are not prepared to honor that, you should not move forward.  If you adopt, your child will always know that you are mommy and daddy, but you need to realize that she is mom too and at the same time isn't a threat to you.  You can love more than one grandparent, why not more than one mom?