How should you feel about step-children?

Question

My sister-in-law has just married a man with two children. The mother of these children passed away when they were very young. My sister-in-law claims to love these children as if they were her own, and is now saying that she doesn't want to bear her own children, as she feels the two they have is enough. Does anyoneone else understand this personally? I support her completely, but I feel that she may be making a mistake in choosing not to have her own children, as these youngsters could never really be 'hers'.

Answer 1

I don't see anything wrong with that decision.  She still may change her mind down the road but right now she is happy with where she is and the way her family is. Good for you for supporting her in her decision, but ultimatly it is her decision and it may change. who knows?

Answer 2

you see in making this statement that these children can never be hers

you are saying that the people who adopt children are not real mothers

you are wrong it is not who give birth who is a mother but who raise the child and yet they are hers they were special gifts that God had giving her throw somelse

what she needs to do to make sure that she will always have a say in their life is to adopt them

in case of a divorce she can fight for custody or if soemthing should happen to her husband she will not have a problem keeping them

Answer 3

I see where you are coming from. But your sister may feel that these children fulfill her enough. I would still want to have a child of my own.

Answer 4

Your sister-in-law should do what makes her happy. When you love someone with children you should love the children like your own because they become part of your family. What if you where in a situation where your spouse passed away and you had three children. Wouldn't you want that next important person in your life to love and accept your children like their own? See, that's what the world should do! The world should begin to love one another without saying things like, "Those aren't her real children." Maybe those children may love your sister-in-law without limits. They may be the best thing that ever happened to her! If your sister-in-law decides to have or not to have children. That's her life and you have to respect it, the same way you would want other people to respect your feelings and decisions.

Answer 5

Many step-parents do feel as if their stepchildren are their "own", though others may not understand that.

My grandpa married my grandma and loved and help raise her 5 children as his own. At age 90 he is nothing but "Papa" to all of them, and grandpa and great grandpa to all 20+ of us.

My neighbor ("Granny" to my son) also loved and raised her stepdaughter as her own, and there is no difference in the quality of love she has for her daughter.

We adopted our son, and have relationship with his bio-family, but I couldn't love him more if he had come from my womb. He is my "own" in every sense of the word, though he is others' "own" as well.

Each of us is different, and many do not need a genetic bond to love fully and deeply and create a complete and whole family.

Answer 6

I think it's normal for her to love these kids as if they were her own. It also looks as if she's gone from having no kids to having instant children, so it may be that she feels overwhelmed at the idea of having a baby of her own. She may also be saying this to put the kids at ease, as it is a big thing for them to get a new mother, especially after theirs died at such a young age.

I'd say that as time goes by & she becomes more comfortable with having kids, she may very well end up deciding to have one in the future. There are lots of families that end up having children after earlier decisions to not have any more kids. Besides, she may have this decision "made for her", since many pregnancies are not on purpose.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. As long as your sister is happy & healthy, it will all work out.

Answer 7

I think that you have underestimated your sister's ability to love.  I can certainly conceive of loving another person's child as much as my own if I were to become that child's parent.  It's the act of parenting, not the process of pregnancy, that makes a woman a mother.  

I hope that your sister won't do anything like getting a tubal ligation at this point in time, however.  I think she should certainly keep her options open as to having biological children of her own in the future.  There are many reliable methods of contraception in the meantime; while the prospect of having a baby with two children around may not seem like something she wants now, if she sticks with reversible forms of birth control, she won't have to be concerned about regretting her actions later in life.

Answer 8

i have my own 16 year old, step 11 and 9 year olds, and we a have a 4year old together. we have had custody for over 7years of all. their mother is not dead, but she willingly gave them up. i have been in their life since they were 2 and 10 months

they are my kids, plain and simple. i do understand your sister in laws feelings. by the way i am an adoptee myself.

is she making a mistake, maybe, but if she is content and happy with her family the way it is then please butt out. i know that sounds quite mean, but it really is her life and decision.

i know you love and care for her that is why you are concerned, but if you keep at her about this i can promise she will eventually begin to resent you. and no good can come from that.

sorry to say, but bite your tongue and embrace the family she has made for herself, she will love and respect you for it down the road.  best to you and yours

Answer 9

The personality I can't understand is yours.  Of course these children can be "hers".  Especially since they don't have a mom of their own.  As far as not wanting any more children - what business is it of yours?  Maybe she will be a better mother to these kids, without the added distraction of adding more children to the family.  If you "support her completely", mind your own business!

Answer 10

I'm sorry, but you're wrong. these youngsters certainly CAN be hers. Just because she didn't giv e birth to them means nothing........it's the love that counts. Many children who are born do not have the love of their parents....and those are the ones who eventually end up in foster care, with a load of problems.  Don't knock your sister-in-law.  Her husband's children are very lucky to have her. And believe you me, they ARE hers!!!

Answer 11

Of course they're hers! She's raising these children and loving them as her own---that makes her MOM.

You'd be doing her and yourself a favor by accepting her decision and not trying to get her to change her mind.

You'd also be doing yourself a disservice by not thinking of these kids as your nieces/nephews.

Answer 12

Well thank goodness for all the step parents out there who have taken this role in a loving, giving and deeply caring way, and for having the ability to accept those children as if they were her own.  There have been many successful relationships that have been just as rewarding as if they had had their own biological children.  Give her time, and depending on her age, they may change their mind to add an additional child as they grow in their love and their relationship blossoms.  I would work very hard at not pressuring her, and avoid at all costs, to bring up this subject.  Bless her and uphold her for bringing these children into her life with the caring and love they have been missing from their biological Mother's death.  Be kind, be patient.  People change their minds sometimes, and if she does not, then support her decision by trying to match the love she is showing to these kids in your understanding.

Answer 13

I think you sister is amazing and you underestimate her.  She knows how she feels, and knows what she wants or doesn't want.

She can always change her mind and have another child, if that is what they want.  Not everyone has to give birth to be a good parent.

she is happy with her new family and that is what counts and what matters.   Sounds like she is HAPPY :)

Answer 14

My sis want to adopt too, after she saw my stretch marks on my legs...

Answer 15

Hmm .... maybe you are supposed to learn a lesson in love from your sister-in-law! She sounds like someone who loves children unconditionally and from her heart. How could that ever be considered a "mistake"?

Answer 16

love them and tell them that you are their for them. that is true but after awhile she will probably want her own children and have the experience of having a baby for her self.

Answer 17

The step children may not be "her DNA" but they are "her children" to mother. If the children are young, the thought of more may seem overwhelming at this point for her. Give her time and your support and she will figure out what is best for her and her situation. If she is young most doctors won't perform procedures to inibit fertilization unless she already has birth children. Also encourage her to help the children remember their birth mother, through photographs etc. Perhaps then she might understand the difference. But remember: She is an adult and can make her own decisions and may be resentful of your suggestions. Also some couples choose to not have children and dedicate more to their careers etc. and each other.  Perhaps she cannot conceive children or carry them to term?

And last what a wonderful way to become a mother without having to go through the pains of labor, the breast feeding woes, the sleepless nights, the post prego tummy and the stretch marks and saggy boobies......be thankful your sis-in-law is such a loving person that is willing to love another's children as her own....

Answer 18

um but they are hers i have a 5 year old step son whos mother is alive and well and has custody of him but he is still my son too  i love him and would do anything for him, just as his daddy would, I would even really like to be more of a bigger part of his life but his mother wont allow that and my husband is at war right now so i dont get to see him much unless my hubby is home. i think it is great and um if she chooses not to have her own children just support her and dont push her to decide to she will probably end up pregnant by accident or may even change her mind and want to experience it with her husband and kids (step-kids).

Answer 19

She should love them as her own but I think she is going to miss out if she doesn't has one of her own. Of course if she already feels over whelmed by the two they have she might feel another is going to stretch her too thin.

Answer 20

I can understand where she is coming form and she may just be happy to bring up her husbands two children. I think its something she needs to think about very seriously though. She could change her mind and it may be too late for her then.

If she said she is happy and doesnt want her own children then good luck to her, all you can do is be happy for her and support her.

She is lucky to have a sister-in-law who cares so much

Answer 21

Sure they can be "hers" over time. My step-kids are mine in every sense. We've been through everything imaginable and then some. We will always be close. She'll be very happy and very fulfilled if she is allowed to live her life as she chooses.

Answer 22

My mother’s first husband died. My father loves her children from that marriage as if they were his own. He always says he has 4 kids, doesn’t go into that 2 are step kids, 1 is adopted and only one natural.  Your sister in law could always change her mind.

If she is happy with her family  that’s all that should matter. Some people only have Step Children, some only have adopted. When it comes down too it some people realize you don’t have to have a genetic link with a child(ren) to be a good loving parent to them.