How the heck am I a deadbeat dad?!?

Question

Don't have much room to type, so I'll sum it up. Awhile ago, I received a call from a girl who said she had been desparately trying to find me as I bounced all over the country. As it turned out, she had my kid who is now 8 years old, and the dna test confimed this. I was delighted, broke things off with my gf, and let the 2 of them move in with me since I believe a child should have 2 parents in their life.

The girl for the past 8 months has violently rejected me, constantly saying "You're not my dad! Alan (ex husband) is my dad!" She flips me off, calls me names, yells at me, and disobeys every simple instruction. The breaking point was when I asked her to get ready for bed, and this 8 year old told me to go f*ck myself.

I broke off the engagement and told my now ex that she did a horrible job as a mother, and that I'm not going to clean up her mess. I gave her my social security number and told her to get court order for child support, and I will start paying (to be continued)

Answer 1

dont listen to the child tell you that she doesnt want you for a dad... she doesnt know anything else, shes only known what shes lived.  you have to go to counseling on this one and get help as to how to get her used to you being the father.  you are the adult, she is the kid.  ask God for help, pray.  Go to church together.  you do need support, youre feeling like yer treated like c**p.  Kids do these things.  just remember God made you the DAD for a reason, to be in her life and to live in her life.  Dont give up!!!  Please update us in the future i really want to know what happens!! sincerely, candy

Answer 2

The man that had been raising that child abandoned her (or at least she feels he did).  She decided to stay on the defensive with you because she thought you would to.  And sure enough...you did.  That little girl is only 8 years old...and you are blaming HER because you chose not to stay with her when you realized being a father is actually work.  You could have gotten family therapy, you could have been more patient and understanding with her, and gave her a chance to get over all her negative feelings so she could give you a real chance, but instead you ditched her, and blamed her mother for her problems.  Great parenting.

Answer 3

Continue to be in her life. A small child has insecurities galore being bounced around, and living with turmoil.  Children will eventually respond in a secure situation, same home, same hours family meal time, bath time, home work time, family picnics, church on Sunday etc.  They respond to stability and love.  Your child has a foster kid pushed around mentality and you and her have a long bonding process where you prove to her little heart, that daddy is not going away-----ever.  Start initiating special you and her hanging out times, try karate together just you and her.  Take her to build a bear at the mall and tell her the beating bear heart is your heart sound loving her when your gone.  be a dad

Answer 4

She IS a terrible mother but U should just keep trying.

Answer 5

I think that probably the girl is missing 'Alan' and is taking it out on you. Probably if you stuck with it she'd grow to trust you but if she's saying she doesn't want that, it's not your problem to be there all the time, just show that you can be if she wants you. Your ex has no right calling you a deadbeat dad. If she wanted you there, she had 8 years to find you. This is going to sound harsh: Her ex left. She needs support. She goes to you. My theory- although I don't know her. You've tried, and you've offered her money. It's up to her to accept it.

Answer 6

Oh for Gods sakes folks, a hurt, angry, sad, and very unhappy 8 year old told some man who she'd known a short time to shove off. Remember 8 years old anyone? If she thought for 8 years that Alan was her dad she is devastated to find out he;s not. She's upset about her parents divorce and them this man comes along and says, "oh, BTW I'm really your Dad". She is a KID not and adult. Think about this little girl.

Sir, I don't think your being a deadbeat dad in any way. I do think you are making a mistake cutting your child from your life. She can now say she was right, she pushed you away to get proof you loved her, and in her mind you proved you don't.

This is just like a blended family and your the step parent. That's always a huge dilemma and takes a lot of time to resolve. Don't give up on your daughter. She has been hurt enough. Her mom is not helping things with her rants but both of you need to grow up and do whats best for your child not yourselves.

You don't need to live with her mom, that can't be recalled instantly either. Start over with your child and her mom. Two parenst are required but they don't need to be together just together on whats right for the child.

Think about your childhood and how you would feel in her situation. Good luck to you all.

Answer 7

You aren't a deadbeat dad.  She was a poor mother.  Among other things, I doubt she made much effort to find you except to suck up money from you in the first place after the ex was an ex. An investigator can find the majority of people in a day.   So, she screwed you over pal and not once.

It was a mistake to give her your social security number, however.  She could have gone to court without having that.  But, it's done.   Don't do it again.

As far as your daughter, continue to try to remain in contact (birthday cards, christmas cards, whatever).  Maybe if her life settles, she will relook at the situation.

Answer 8

I unfortuantely know of a situation very close to my heart that is EXTREMELY similar to yours.  The root of this all is the mother... her responsibility to this little girl shoudl have been to know that she needed to let this girl understand that she had a biological father that she did not know, and seeing as though she claims that she actively pursued you for the 8 years I can't understand why it is how it is.  

Now as far as you and your daughter goes... this is my observation and I guess and outside opinion... the decisions you make are soley up to you...

Your daughter does not look to you as an authority figure because for the first 8 years of her life you were nonexistant (not your fault really)... she is obviously having a very hard time adjusting to you being "dad" and is most likely going through a lot with this all... 8 months is really a short amount of time to get her to filter through the feelings that she is going through.  This is my recommendation... you seem almost hurt by the rejection that your daughter has given you, and "spoiling kids" is most definately not the way to go... but talk to the mom (and a note on this girl, if things were good with the two of you you should try again) and tell her you want to try to gain the trust and relationship... and that the rejection is hard for you... then try to plan something that your daughter would really like to do... go to an amusement park, out for ice cream or whatever is fitting with your budget and fun for her.  Get her something special that she REALLY wants prior to the "fun day" (ask mom what she has been asking for) and just have a fun day with her... do this every now and again and it's sure to have her come around...

Remember that this bond that is created between a parent and a child is really learned... the difference between a baby and an 8 year old is that baby is too small to talk back/rebell and by the time they're at the age to do that the bond is already there.. the 8 year old just doesn't understand what's going on and the new authority figure is hard to grasp for her... talk to the mom as well about correcting (in a nice and loving manner) her when she says these things to you....

Also, try to have little talks with her once the relationship gets a bit better about how you may not have been there for 8 years but you still love her, and that she doesn't have to "call you dad" but you can be friends... I'm sure that in due time she will call you dad...



You seem like a great guy... great father, far from a deadbeat!!!! Mom is just upset that things didn't go smoothly as I'm sure you are upset about that as well.  She also most likely has some guilt of her own.

Answer 9

unlike most fathers u actually tried juss pay the child support and move on wif ur life

Answer 10

hey dont give up its hard for chrildren work to gather with her mom she will come a round

Answer 11

I'm really sorry you are in this situation, and I'm glad that you at least tried to step up to the plate as most men would probably have blown it off.

Anyways, what you need to do is have a talk with the mother. An 8 year old with that kind of attitude and language? If she is a good mom, she should understand as to why you are concerned. As with the child, you do need to understand that this other man really was considered her father for years and this is completely random that you came into the picture, so of course she would be at least a bit upset. She's only 8. Try talking to her, just as a friend. Get to know her, bond, etc. You must be very patient and understanding in this situation. Hope this helps.

Answer 12

If you financially support your child, you are not a deadbeat dad.  You do not have to house the mother in your own home to be involved with the child.  The child is understandably upset.  Be patient, remain responsible, and do the best you can...no on can ask more of you.  Good luck.

Answer 13

consult an attorney.

Answer 14

The mother is verbally abusive, irresponsible, and a horrible mother.  And her daughter is learning very, very well from the mother how to be verbally abusive, irresponsible, and horrible.  You really do want these two out of your life.  

You gave it your best shot, giving up your relationship with your girlfriend, having them move in, trying to build relationships with them both, supporting them financially and otherwise.  If the foul-mouthed dimwit does get a child support order, then provide for your child.  Otherwise, let them go.

Answer 15

Wow. you're right, she was a terrible mother. My almost 8 year old doesn't even KNOW those words and would never disrespect any adult like that.

You're angry, but you're going to pay support. You're not a deadbeat dad, but you should still try to reach out to your daughter. She's young and it's not entirely her fault she was raised like that. She's going to lash out, but show her you're willing to be a constant in her life.  Don't bribe her with stuff, but just show her you're still her dad and you still care. Hopefully, when she sees that you're stable, she'll let her guard down.

Good luck.

Answer 16

I commend you for everything you tried to do.  Having said that we are talking about an 8 year old child...your daughter.  She is dealing with some major anger issues and she is pushing you away because "Alan" her "dad' is out of the picture for whatever reason, he left her and she figures you will too.  Don't make her assumption come true.  If you really can't live with them then I hope you will continue to be a part of her life.  Sounds like she needs you......someday she may actually realize it.

Answer 17

Honestly, if you are willing to support and help out with the child then you are not a deadbeat.  I think the mom is overreacting and just wants you to stay with her.

You tried to do the right thing, but you were rejected by your daughter.  Understand though, that she is going through a tough time right now.  Her mom's ex was the only father that she knew for almost her whole life, she only just met you.  If you really want to try to make it work you should go to family counseling and your daughter should go to individual counseling.  If you are ready to be done with it then just tell her mom to take you to court for child support.  Stay in contact with your daughter, she may warm up to you when she gets older.

Good luck.

Answer 18

Okay. So let me get this straight. You think someone did a bad job with your kid and you are not willing to try to fix it?

This girl is only 8 years old, you can't expect her to get it overnight. And 8 months is not enough time to fix 8 years of what she percieves as your neglect.  If she had been kidnapped from you and you got her back 2 years later brainwashed, would you not want to help her?

But you will let this woman teach her hate and not try to fix it?

Have you gone to a family councellor?

Answer 19

you did it for the kid and thats not what the kid wants. You did nothing wrong. Keep in touch(send cards). So when shes older she can get in touch with you. And actually want to meet you.

Answer 20

Well I would not consider yoiu to be one.  The woman should not have brought a man in to the girls life and told her that was her dad knowing that was a lie.  She created the stress in her daughters life.

Answer 21

Are you mad?  NEVER GIVE ANYONE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY #!

1.  Mistake inviting strangers into your home.  Basically, that's what your ex and daughter were.  You should have established some sort of relationship with them and iron out the kinks with the daughter.  Mom needs to put her foot down with child and explain the relationship between daughter and you.  Also, explain Alan is step-dad.

2.  You had good intentions but moved way too fast.

3.  You don't need to go to a child support office to support your child.  If you are civil with mom, you can work something out and just give $ and provide h/i for child.

4.  You need to take baby steps with daughter and spend time with her independent of mom.  You are throwing the baby out with the dirty bath water.

5.  You made a mistake breaking things off with the girl you were seeing prior to baby mama moving in.  Good intentions but again, your ex was a stranger.  You're tried to make the relationship work but for once, write it off establish a relationship with your child (she is still a child...mean...but still a child).

Baby mama, you don't owe your life but baby is 8 years old and there is hope for her.

you are not a deadbeat.

Answer 22

Being thrown into father hood when the child is already 8 years of age can be tough, but you need to put your foot down.  If you want to make this work, you need to be stern with her.  You are her father- if she talks to you that way she needs to be punished.  Take away her tv, or her toys or something of the sort.  She needs to realize that you are in her life for a reason- AND that you WANT to be there.  You can't let her walk all over you or it will never work.  AND the mother is just as guilty for letting her get away with this behavior.

That being said, if you do not want to be with the mother, there is no rule in life that says you have to be.  If you want to be a part of the child's life, put your foot down.  If she comes for weekend visits, you  let her know that you are in charge and her behavior will not be tolerated.  

The mother has to see you putting in some degree of effort, and maybe she will realize youre NOT a 'dead beat' and that you ARE trying.

Answer 23

You are asking, so here's one perspective. It is good that you are willing to face up to your financial responsibilities, and that shows great responsibility. But money is only part of being a dad. It doesn't sound like you will all be living together, and I don't fault you for that at all. But you can't just stop seeing your daughter. At eight, she didn't make up those words, she heard them from your baby mamma. As you point out, baby mamma hasn't done such a hot job. Your daughter needs you. She may, at age 8, think she hates you but even if you raised the child yourself at some age many children declare that they hate their parents. Eight  months may seem a long time, and it is long enough to know you and baby mamma aren't going to be together. But you can't give up on you daughter. Ever. She will always be your child, and you will always be her dad. Patiently stay in touch, consistently be a good example. Be a father, don't worry if you are not her friend. Good luck to you.

Answer 24

your  not a dead beat dad. You just need to keep trying. But you pay child support, and your right. It is your ex's fault her daughter behaves in such a barbaric manner.