How to apologize to angered and depressed cousin

Question

Some of you may remember this being posted in the friends section but I have decided to close that one and relocate AND update the question.

I have a cousin who has been involved with wicca and this reincarnation belief called otherkin (apparently he is a dragon). Recently, me and a couple of my siblings decided to poke fun at his beliefs by mock protesting at a local wicca gathering at a city park.

Me and my sibs dressed up as catholic priests and screamed stuff like "Burn in h**l satan lovers" and "the power of christ compels you". We were holding signs and throwing bottled Dasani brand "holy water" on people who told us to leave. Eventually the cops told us to get out. I knew my cousin was there and I saw he was trying to avoid me but then I picked up a mircophone and announced my name and my relationship to my cousin who then just pointed at us and started to shout at me. I also called him a dracophiliac. When me and my sibs got home we vandalised all of his wicca/otherkin stuff. We were laughing and thought it was all a big joke.

Dead wrong, when he got home about ten minutes later, he bust through the door crying and making a scene. He called us human trash, ignorant losers, and stuff like that (suprising he didnt cuss me out). He has since locked himself in his room audibly complaining about me and my sibs. My parents and relatives saw the whole thing and made us explain. My mom gave my cousin my car keys since it was my car we used to get there. She told him to give them back when he cared to.

It has escalated since then I tried telling him "It was a freaking joke" and he freaking tackled me and actually bit me when I tried to push him off. He has only been out of room to get food and to use the restroom, when he is out he says nothing to anyone at all. It went from just audible complaints and rants, throwing stuff, calling me and my sibs names through the walls to threats to run away and commit suicide. My sibs arent helping by telling him that they will see him in h**l and locking him in the restroom.

I feel like a total d**k because he was one of my best friends before the incident. When I turned 16 he gave me 5000$ to help find me a car. I have shared many happy expirences with him, but now that is all trashed. I did the mock protest with full knowledge that wicca was not satanism and had nothing to do with satan. I feel I have destroyed that relationship completley and need to pay him back but he will not even let me approach or walk past me without somehow hitting me. I DO NOT JUST WANT MY CAR KEYS BACK. I want to repay him in a way he will understand or not blow off as a feeble attempt at his forgiveness (I tried to pay him back 345$ for the stuff I damaged but I found it in my room in an envelope titled "Take your d**n money")

I really want to restore some of the relationship I damaged. any ideas...

Answer 1

I'll retype the basics of what I emailed to you:

1- Write down, in full sentences, *why* what you did was wrong. Spend a few days thinking this over so you can make this list as large and detailed as you can. Write an apology at the end of the list. Give it to your cousin.

2- Begin replacing his stuff, out of your own pocket. Ask to go with him when he picks stuff out, and have him tell you why each purchase is important to him. What is the religious meaning and symbolism, or personal value behind each object?

3- Research otherkin and wicca.  Ask to attend one of his wiccan meetings and make a public apology to them. Participate in their rituals. I again offer myself as someone to talk to about both.

4- In writing, detail a plan to repay the money he loaned you for your car, be it even as low as $50 a month for the mean time. To save up that money, give up movies, or video games, or music, or fast food. Something that you enjoy that also costs you money. That shows that you truly do intend to pay him back, and you're willing to make sacrifices, just as he sacrificed $5,000 to help you get something you desired.

5- Never go along with such behaviour again. The list writing should hopefully bring home to you why what you did is having such lasting repercussions. Learn from this. "Freaking jokes" are rarely anything to laugh at if you are the one who is targeted. Honestly consider how you would feel if your cousin and his friends trashed a couple thousand dollars worth of your stuff and then said "It's just a freaking joke!".

Honestly, you still don't seem to understand the severity of what you did wrong. You insulted something that is deeply personal and important to him, mocked him publicly, destroyed objects that held great meaning as well as being costly, and then tried to blow it off as a "joke". Jokes are things shared. There was no sharing in your act, only taking and destruction and humiliation.  

Answer 2

Trying to pay him back was a good first step.  I would suggest trying again at a later date, after you two are on speaking terms again.

You're going to have to be patient.  This is not something that is going to get fixed overnight.  Certainly "It was a freaking joke" is not going to help.  That implies that he is over-reacting and thus this isn't really your fault, and it is.  Also, what you did was not a joke, and you need to recognise that.  You publically humiliated him, you attacked his religious beliefs, you were so disruptive it required the cops to remove you, and you vandalized his property.  None of that is a joke.

I would suggest telling him how you feel, and if he won't talk, write it in a letter.  Tell him you're sorry.  Tell him about how much you actually value his friendship and how much it hurts you to see him upset.  Tell him why you did what you did.  Ask him what you can do to start to make things right.  Be honest.  Be absolutely honest with him.  Do not mention the car keys.

Here's something else: defend him against your siblings.  It sounds like they are essentially hazing him.  Unlock the restroom.  Tell them to knock it off.  Tell them they're being immature jerks.

Edit:  One further suggestion: you might want to volunteer to attend your cousin's next religious gathering so that you can apologize to the group as a whole, since you disrupted the entire group.  This might show that you're honestly sorry for what you did, as you're unlikely to gain anything from the gesture (as opposed to just apologizing to your cousin, which might be seen as a means to get the keys back, get a friend back, etc.).