How to be a good step parent?

Question

My fiance has a 5 year old. He watched his mom divorce is dad to be with me. Now he seems to fear that she will leave him for me. Clearly not true. However, he's taken on this "alpha male" attitude. I see it's natural, but he's always seeking attention and begging for her side. She's caught in the middle of trying to appease him and me at the same time. I'm 36 and understand but want to help make this a good relationship. He's good with me one on one, but when the 3 of us are around he totally changes. Any advice. I want to do the right thing for all parties.

Answer 1

Been there and done that! Raising someone Else's kid is very unrewarding. If you try to discipline the kid he will hate you and chances are your wife will resent it. RETHINK it man. The kids dad will always be up your butt too. You wont be a parent at best you will be a .5 parent. Go make your own family!

Answer 2

It is important to exert your Alpha Male dominance when the mother is around.  Make sure that at meals where she is present that you eat before they do.  It might be a good idea to urinate in the corners of his room so that he can see that all of it is your territory.

Answer 3

Being a step parent takes patience, patience, patience.  The little guy doesn't really understand divorce, just that mom left dad, so she might leave me.  She needs to make it clear to him that she loves him, and always will, and she's not going anywhere.  You might also sneak in a few remarks about how glad you are that you get both of them.  He just really needs reassurance that he is still loved by everybody.

Also - never put down his dad in front of him.  In fact, find something good to say about him whenever possible.  That will teach him to see the good in people.  In time, he will come around and hopefully feel lucky that he has 3 people who love him.

Answer 4

well im a sixteen girl, and my mother is divorced,

my parents have always been separated, but have gotten back together off and on for a long time.

my father was abusive to both me and my mom, and i have gotten therapy and the doctors have asked if i would mind my mom getting remarried and i know she thinks about it cuz she always is talking about meeting someone. i always change the subject, idk why but it pisses me off to think of someone else with my mom, even my dad.

i have no idea what the h**l is my problem...its not like i really like her at all, i just dont want anyone else, and if there ever was someone-well i'd give him h**l, probably ignore him if he spoke to me, and so on. which is possibly what your soon to be stepson is going through.

since he's so young you have a long road ahead of you, and if he's anything like me he'll hate you forever, i mean im sure your a great guy and all, but i dont think the situation will improve. sorry dude.

Answer 5

try to spend some time alone with him. take him to do something he finds fun, like, maybe going to the park or the arcade or take him out to dinner. try to relate to him. its not easy for him to have his mom be in love with another man when he misses his dad being around. let him know clearly that youre not replacing his dad but you hope that the two of you can get along.

Answer 6

Buy him something or take him out somewhere. I know it sounds shallow but it works. And make sure you are not only gaining friendship but also respect.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY show him that you are here to be with him and his mother. NOT to TAKE his mother away from him. =) Fortunately for my mother, she got divorced when my brother was smart and strong enough to throw the "bad" guys away. So you better not be bad, cuz 13 years from now, he can turn on u. =)

Answer 7

This is tough, but do-able.  I have not been a step parent, but am divorced with children and dealt with my ex's new wife as my kids step mom.  Communication is key.  

He's just a little guy.  The real problem may be as you said, that he is afraid she will leave him too.

If the problem persist, and he continues to be troubled, may be helpful for him to see a child psychologist to help him with his insecurities.  As your relationship grows and he settles into the new living arrangements it should get better.  Divorce is difficult on all concerned, and his reaction is quite typical.  You are great to want to help and you obviously love this kid already to care enough to look for support.  Hang in there, love them and let them love you, and just be the best step dad you can be :)

Answer 8

You need to let his mom explain it all to him, that is the best thing really.

Answer 9

hm, this is hard. Maybe you guys should have a talk. Have the kid's mother explain to him the situation. I can see the 5 year old's attitude and i think that it would be best if maybe you guys all have a serious family discussion

Answer 10

Just be good to him.  That is about all you can do.

Linda

Answer 11

Just be a friend.  That is all you can do.

Answer 12

I have dealt with step parents and i can definitely tell you what not to do. A) never be the disciplinarian, you'll just be hated.

B) Don't make him participate in the "family" if he doesn't want to.

C) just be his friend  

Answer 13

hmm. this is a toughie. but i know how it can work. my dad remarried and we blended families with a woman and her son. it didnt work cause the son and my dad clashed...the son wanted his mom, too. only, the son was 18. Fortunately youre working with someone really young. he's gonna come around. he dosent know what drama is, let alone want any. what you need to do is this. maintain patience with him at all costs. he needs to feel like you like him and are nice if you two are to become friends. if you start to get a weird/bad vibe between you it could grow and...ugh. if thats started, make up with him right now. just be nice! he's a baby! now you sound like a nice guy. i think you need to talk to his mother about all this if you havent. just say exactly what you wrote here, it was very good. maybe the mom needs to make it more clear to the son that she's his mom, she'll never ever leave him til the day she dies. the truth. maybe he needs to hear it sometimes. and then together you should explain to him how you are a part of the family now. if he dosent want you to be his dad, thats ok. but just tell him you still love him and are his friend. someday, if you have made the right choices, he will thank you for helping raise him, and will consider you a father figure. dont get angry with the boy, this could either be a very good situation for you both (gaining a family) or not.

Answer 14

I had a step-parent and we made each others lives a living h**l.  I would say that the best thing to remember is that the child doesn't want a replacement and WILL compete with you for your fiance's attention.  Now that you know he's going to play those games, refuse to play them yourself.  Its going to take a long time for the child to get used to the idea of you being with his mom.  Heck, my step-dad and I didnt get along til I moved out, you just might have to wait another 13 years, but I had good times with my step-dad too, it will always be up and down, hot and cold.