How to comfort someone who's parent committed suicide?

Question

I have a professor who just recently confided in me that her father committed suicide when she was 19. (She is now in her mid-thirties). It broke my heart because she is one of those types of people that you can tell probably had something traumatizing happen to them because of their bizarre reserved and emotionally-void behavior, but you just haven't been able to pin-point what it was.

Well now I know what it was and it really makes me sad. She is a sweet person deep down but she is very emotionally detached and seems just plain sad and bitter sometimes. When we were having the conversation and she told me, I was in so much shock that I said "Are you serious?" and she looked up at me with a "how dare you say that?" type of look and said "I'm not lying to you." So then I just kind of stood there and looked at her and said "I'm so sorry about your dad." and she looked up and smiled (one of those smiles that you make to keep yourself from crying) and said "It's no big deal. It happened when I was 19. A long time ago."

Basically, I know that it really IS a big deal and I just was wondering of some ways I could help her and let her know I'm there for her because I know she needs it. I also know that I kinda messed up when I said "Are you serious?" but I was in so much shock that it was just my natural reaction. I don't know...It's just been on my mind and I need some advice because I don't know what would be the right thing to say or if I even have the power to say the right thing.

Any help would be appreiciated.

Answer 1

I've had that happen to me before when my boyfriend told me his grandpa died I said without thinking "Really?!" and he snapped at me "@#$% yeah, really!" I felt really bad even though I wasn't trying to be rude at all. But I think the best thing to do is just be a friend to her, but don't force the subject on her because chances are she won't want to talk about it. Just let her know you are there for her if she ever does want to talk. Suicide is always a touchy subject, but everyone could use a good friend.  

Answer 2

If there is ONE thing I have ever heard from family/ friends, of those who did this.. it seems to be the most common that they carry a core of guilt, that somehow, they should have known how to prevent it.  

Almost universal.

I suspect she knows that your comment was not disbelieving her, but more shock/ surprised.  I think you are right that this affected her much more than she admits, but it can be hard to open up to someone easily, and she might have felt that talking about it, was a bit over a boundary in a teaching relationship.

I really think anyone who goes through this, should have counseling of some sort.. but few ever get it, because they impose a wall around it.

One thing you MIGHT do.. write it in a note. (carefully). Just simply honesty.. that you really are sorry if you brought something painful out, and you DO wish the best for her, including a safe place to vent, if she feels ok on that.  In a note..she can chose if she wants to reply.  

Answer 3

It sounds like she still feels betrayed and abandoned -- as if to say that her father didn't love her enough to stay around for her.  I probably wouldn't bring the subject up to her; however, if she initiates future sharing on the subject, help her change the focus from herself to her father; i.e., how tragic that he didn't seek or didn't receive appropriate treatment with the problems he found so overwhelming.  Encourage her to participate in grief counseling -- it would not only do her good, but others who are dealing with similar situations may gain some understanding, strength, and comfort from her by her sharing her experience and feelings with them.  Also, it might be helpful to get her to talk about the good things about her father that she remembers -- celebrate the life she got to share with him for 19 years instead of being focused only on his death.

Answer 4

She most likely either half blames herself, or completely blames herself, so if the subject comes up again, just make sure she knows that it had nothing to do with her.

I wouldn't bring it up unless she does again, but if she doesn't just remind her often how amazing she is and how good things turned out...well not like turned out, but the way that sometimes to learn and grow, you have to through some difficult situation and remind her that she made it through strong...encourage strength

:)best of luck

Answer 5

My former room-mate's mom committed suicide at about the same time in her life.  Luckily, she had a doting gandmother, but after seeing her go through times of deep sadness at random times, I heard her reveal that her mom also had problems with alcohol, an affair with a married man, etc......After reading about parents' affecting their children with suicide, the most riveting thing I found was the alarming fact that it continues to happen if the survivor doesn't get help.  I suggested that my friend see a counselor that specialized in parent suicide - it really helped her.  She went out of the cycle of depression, developed coping skills, and went on to have a very happy life, and found a loving, supporting husband.  Counseling was her cure - with lots of soul-searching and dedication.  Have a healthy an happy leap year!