How to communicate with someone passive-aggressive?

Question

Please provide examples and tips on how to communicate effectively with a family member or partner who is passive-aggressive so that the behaviour stops or at least stops affecting you negatively. Thanks!

Answer 1

The main thing to focus on is making sure they don't feel they are being attacked or they will immediately get defensive. It has to be as much about them as it is you. Make sure you have solid examples of what you're talking about as I'm sure they will say "name one time I've done that!!" I'd recommend not throwing out other people in the conversation (ex: mom feels the same way that I do) or they will feel like everyone is against them and talking about them when they're not around (even if that's true, they don't need to know that and this isn't the right time to bring it to their attention). Be sincere in telling them the effect their attitude and behavior is having on you. Let them know you love them and understand their frustration or whatever is causing this passive-aggresive behavior and that you are they to help them overcome it. Be very proactive and understanding so they feel like you're trying to help them, not just change them.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Calling them out on it can work.  Say like "look, I can tell you're upset about x, but instead of talking about it with me, you're taking it out on me by doing y", or whatever the case may be.  Then just say you'd like to have a mature, honest conversation with them about it, and that you're ready whenever they want to talk about it.  Essentially end the conversation and get away from them while they are being passive aggressive, until they are ready to not act like that.

They might not really understand what they are doing (like if they don't have any experience talking about their feelings), so just pointing it out can make them realize their behavior and can help them stop it.