How to control my unneccessary anger toward my 5 yr old daughter's ....?

Question

Hi,

I am having issues with my 5 yr daughter listening to me.

My daughter is a good girl she isn't a terror child or anything but she just doesn't listen to ME! I constantly have to repeat myself until I am practically yelling at her or repeatedly do things that like to sit in one place while she is eating on not walk around or always interrupting when I have a conversation with another person/phone, complain and cry if she doesn't get her way or things. For example I yesterday I explained to her that we need to go straight home after school (I usually let her play in the playground) and she started to cry. Or if she isn't first in the line she will cry.

Now it is really starting to make me irate. I know that I am being a bit harsh on her but I can't handle it anymore especially the crying.

I have never spanked her or raised my hand at her (I come from an abusive childhood) and yesterday I almost did.

I don't know what to do!! Please any advice would be appreciated.

Answer 1

i work at a daycare center so i know EXACTLY what you mean. i always have to get down eye level and look them in the eye for them to understand. also dont raise your voice at her. she will think that your always mad at her and that she cant do anything right. i hope this helps good luck!

Answer 2

First of all deep breaths. Everyone gets frustrated with their kids. You have to have uncompromising limits on her behavior and force yourself to not yell when she breaks those limits, but simply enforce the timeout (1 minute for every year) or whatever your discipline is.

My son had these problems at 5. It was extremely vexing then I just sat him down and told him that if I had to repeat myself more than once, he would get a timeout and every additional time I repeated myself it was an extra minute. This does put the burden of making sure he heard me on my shoulders but it really limited the nonresponses. I told him that if he was in the middle of something and wanted a couple minutes to finish he had to ask me if that was ok first. Because you know how kids can be, -oh I'll respond after I finish this. I was coming after I ....-

When she breaks the rules, you just tell her in a calm voice that she broke the rules and it is not acceptable. I let him know that since he knew what would happen when he broke the rule, he shouldn't be surprised that he has a timeout.

You do have to enforce your rule every time, but you'll be surprised how quickly they learn to listen if you do. If she cries leaving the playground, ignore it 100%.  Crying is a real chore and if it doesn't get a rise, they tend not to do it. Just grab her hand or pick her up and leave. Throwing a fit leaving the playgroung gets a time out too. At our house, you sat in timeout until you calmed down (we do provide calming tools- something to drink, going over deeps breaths, etc.) then the timeout starts. (My boy is really hard on himself when he gets in trouble, so this is very neccesary to help him learn to control his emotions- we also always tell him, that its ok for him to get in trouble, he is still learning, but we do expect him to learn to do better next time, etc.)

Good luck. You are doing the right thing. Its easy to feel like you are going to loose it and spank, but you didn't. I come from a spanking household, and spanking did nothing but instill rebellion in me. It was the long talks where my mom let me know how much my behavior mattered to her etc. that taught me how I wanted to behave.

Answer 3

I completely understand how you feel.  It is very frustrating when children behave this way.  

The first thing you need to do is understand her behavior.  When  she cries in these circumstances, she is not doing it because she is sad.  She is doing it for attention, and for control.   While the behavior is happening, say nothing to her, regardless of how loud she gets.  Completely ignore her.  Later, explain to her that the way she was behaving isn't acceptable, and while you understand how unhappy she was about the situation, you will not talk to her if that is how she chooses to express herself.  

The key to making this behavior stop (eventually) is by showing no emotion while it is happening.  You must remain totally calm and collected.  This is no easy task.   What helps me is reminding myself why they are behaving that way (control and attention) and mainly reminding myself that if I get angry with her, she wins.  She is doing everything she is doing to get a rise out of you.  If she accomplishes that, you are letting a 6 year old be in charge of you.  Until you can get past those angry feelings, give yourself permission to just walk away.  Just for a moment to collect yourself.  Over time, and with patience and practice you'll learn to control your emotions.

Answer 4

OMG, I am so glad to read this because I have been having the EXACT same issues. My daughter is 5 as well and lately since the second half of kindergarten I've had issues with her stomping and SCREAMING ontop of her lungs when I ask her to do something or if she doesn't get her way! I've noticed alot of this new behavior since we moved and switched schools. I'm almost to the point where I too feel like knocking her out, but instead I send her to her room (stomping the whole way), I calm myself down, then go in there to have a talk and wait it out. I've been in TEARS b/c of this (I'm also 15 weeks pregnant)...I've talked to my mom, the only reliable sane source of advice I EVER get and she recommends to just keep talking, waiting it out b/c it WILL pass. NO it doesn't seem like it ever will, but she reassures me it will with persistance. Don't let her get her way when she cries. Don't "baby" her in anyway, just stick to your guns and she'll realize that "hey, mom isn't giving in this time!". Eventually it'll lesson and lesson. Sometimes I feel like it never will and get so afraid when she turns into a teenager that she'll walk all over me! But again, as long as you're persistant and put your foot down no matter how embarrassing it gets, it WILL pass. Take things away if you have to, a favorite video, toy, play time etc. I hope this helps (cause I have to keep convincing myself too!) GOOD LUCK :)

Answer 5

I sit my daughter on the stairs if she is acting up.  If she is whining or crying, I tell her I can't understand her unless she uses her regular voice.  The crying about not being first in line, etc. is something I would ignore, since it is an age thing.  Some of these things (wandering, interrupting) are things that a lot of kids do, so you just have to keep reminding them about your expectations.  Make sure she knows what you expect of her, and maybe set up a reward chart for some of the behaviors that are really driving you nuts.  Like for every day that she sits through an entire meal and asks to be excused, she gets a sticker, which then ends in a small reward.  This is a good way to instill a habit, but don't do it for everything, or make the reward too big, or she will expect big prizes for everything and you will end up buying her a pony for cleaning her room. LOL

Answer 6

Wow your child is spoild. I understand that you come from a abusive childhood but kids need some disipline, im not saying beat the kid but you cant let them walk all over you and that is exactly what you are doing. They control you so to speak.

Answer 7

My daughter was like this when she was four and five (she was adopted at age 4).   I had to repeat myself several times, and get louder and more stern each time, before she would respond to me.  Drove me nuts!!!

But in kindergarten, during a routine hearing screening, it was discovered that she was mildly hearing-impaired.   At the recommendation of the school nurse who did the test, I took her to a specialist, who did all kinds of sophisticated testing.  She has been fitted for hearing aids, and I've never had the problem of her not listening again!

I think that others here have given you some excellent advice as to how to cope with the situation, should it turn out to be just a behavioral thing.   But I thought I would mention my daughter's situation, just in case it might apply.

Answer 8

Hi there.  First of all, you need to stop, and take a breath and think before responding to her.  She is 5.  She still believes the world revolves completely around her.  She will do whatever she can to get your attention, whether good or bad attention.

As hard as it is, you need to remain patient and consistent and get down to her level and have her look at you while you are explaining things to her.  Keep in mind she will avoid eye contact at times.  Extremely irritating but normal.  She needs to learn her boundaries and what is expected of her and this can only be done with consistency.  She is going to throw tantrums.  She is not getting HER way even though what is happening is for the best for her at that particular moment.  She will push all the buttons she can to make you lose control.

I have 3 kids...ages 8 1/2, 6 1/2 (daughters) and a 3 year old son.  One of the things that helps me deal with them without losing patience (and BELIEVE me...they are super manipulative at times) is to remember that I am the adult, but I also consider their feelings and address them.  For instance, "I know that you are upset/frustrated by _____, but we need to do ______".  "I appreciate that you would like to speak to me right now, but we need to be respectful and quiet when I am on the phone so I can hear the other person."  I will let them know if they feel that whatever they need to tell me is THAT important, then we politely say "excuse me" to get my attention instead of making a big commotion.

Mom, you are not alone and there will be PLENTY of times in the future where you will feel at your wits end.  If you keep it in your mind that you know what she is trying to do, and that you are strong enough to not fall into the manipulation trap (I like to call it the "drama queen act" you can rise above your anger and frustration.  If you can't at that moment, put YOURSELF in a time out until you can react calmly.  You had excellent self-control and kept yourself from acting on abusive compulsions and behavior.  KUDOS to you and GREAT JOB!!  You are able to recognize these feelings and that is the first step to staying calmer.  Remember, you are not the one being embarrased by the screaming and fits, she is.  Throw her over your shoulder if you have to, or calmly take her hand and walk her (drag sometimes LOL) to the car.  Tune her out while asking her to calm down, and explain the appropriate behavior when you both are calm.

Some kids have more drama in them than others.  As long as you don't give that behavior the type of attention she is trying to get from it (being passive and letting her know you can't "hear" her when she is behaving this way...even though you are biting your tongue off or digging your fingers into your palm), she WILL eventually realize that the drama is a little overboard and there are better ways to get the positive attention.

You ARE doing the right thing!!  You already know what to do.  I don't think you really need advice as you are doing a great job!!!  I think you just need the moral support and understanding that you are not alone and it is normal to have these feelings at times.  Every mom has gone through this...some more than others.  Even those with the patience of a saint have the scars on the tip of their tongues or from doing what they could to restrain their irritability in the heat of a stressful moment.

Good luck...(((HUGS)))...keep up the great job you are doing, and hope this helps!!

Answer 9

always say what you mean and mean what you say.  i have a 6 and an 8 year old.  they tend to try your patience if you have weak moments and give in to their wants.  I'm not saying you do, but that's usually why