How to convince an abused wife to adopt?

Question

My wife wasn't really adopted but she was passed around from house 2 house by her mother and she went through a lot a physical and sexual abuse. We have 2 daughters but I want to adopt like 3 or 4 children. Taking care of them is no problem cuz we have money and space. But it's mostly fear of the 'System'. How can I convince her that if we do take other children in then we can assure them protection from the things she went through

Answer 1

If you already have 2 children then surely she must know any child you adopted would be loved and protected. There are not alot of newborns or babies you can readily adopt as although there are alot in the system it is possible they won't come up for adoption.(If thats the way you want to go) Maybe she is afraid to love a child like her own and have it snatched from her hands! It does happen and sometimes adoptions fall through... Talk this over with her and explain your reasons behind and ask her what her REAL concerns are... Not many people like you out there good luck and god bless!!!

Answer 2

Adopting (and parenting in general) only works when you and your wife function as a team.  If she's not as ready or excited as you are, it will show as you go through your homestudy.  Since your wife had some traumatic things happen to her in her childhood, please support her in seeking some form of counseling.  I don't think she will be ready to open her life to other children from the foster care system unless she has come to terms with her own past.  Please be patient with her, sometimes old wounds heal slowly, and talking about adoption may bring back bad memories for her.  Maybe even offer to come to couples/family sessions to show your support?

PS- I would also suggest not referring to her as an 'abused wife.'  Abuse is an event or circumstance, and can be very hurtful if you use it to define/describe a person.

Answer 3

You cannot talk a mate into children --It is not fair to the children!

Both parents have to want to parent children equally - no matter how they come into the family.  You say "taking care of them" is no problem because you have money and space!  But these are not the main things necessary to effectively parent children -- the ability to protect them, love them unconditionally, dedicate your lives to them -- that is what is also necessary.  And your wife is just not able to do that.  Her emotional scars from childhood are just too deep.

You also say you want to convince her to adopt -- you cannot.  She has to come to this decision all on her own.  And, then you say you want to "take other children in" but this is not what adoption is.  It is not taking children in -- like borders -- it is parenting them -- 100%!  Fully.  On an emotional level, physical level and mental level.

However well meaning you may be, please do not do this to your other children, your wife, and to some innocent children who need no part of this drama.

Answer 4

show her that your 2 daugthers are in good hands.....i imagine that must be hard for you and her.... show her you can assure protection, show her that you can take care of them, i think you guys should discuss this and maybe leave it up to her..you know.....maybe when shes ready, but for the time being i think you should show her that you can and will protect your family like you already do... good luck

Answer 5

Well adopting a child that is not a newborn or a baby you will most likely get a child that has had some type of background with abuse. I grew up in foster care and I don't want to be a foster parent for that reason if they just get lost back to the system then how much difference can I make! I went though a lot of abusive homes as a child and my one wish was that I could just be with one family that loved me!  As a child who didn't have much i didn't want or expect much. I would however adopt for no other reason than that it would be permanent. People like your wife and I should count ourselves lucky or blessed where not products of our environments we didn't repeat the cycle and we are stronger women not just because of but in spite of what we have overcome in life. So what do we do when  know 1st hand about that childhood neglect and abuse is REAL! We should do as much and we can to help as many as we can and those who have the means and desire to adopt should! What good are my struggles if I don't use what I've learned to help another? For me I became a the type of mom I never had and I'm a social worker!!

Answer 6

If you adopt from an agency, the "system" is less intimidating in the sense that children through agencies typically have not gone from home to home.  

Adopting in itself is a great way to protect children from the type of mental and physical abuse that you refer to.  I would suggest speaking with adoptive families and get a better understanding on the process for your wife.

But no matter what her decision, stand behind her and offer her all the support she needs.

Good luck to you.

Answer 7

she should know that they will be safe, they will be with you. tell her this is your way of protecting other children from this happening. maybe she isnt realizing that if you have them, all the bad things stop.

good luck, it sounds like you have a big heart and lots of love to share.

Answer 8

well you can't assure they wont be abused else where but hopefully she knows that while in your care they will be loved as a child should be. and you could point out that unlike her early life the one you two have made is stable so they will be with you always you could also point out that the children will be protected in your care

Answer 9

You sound like a really patient, loving person.  Have you considered how much housework and discipline is required to raise another 3 or 4 children?  Maybe that is your wife's real concern.  

I would not push her but be so open and nonjudgmental that she can voice any and all concerns.  Maybe she doubts her own ability to be patient and understanding with so many kids needing her attention.  Or maybe she just never saw herself with a lot of kids, and isn't willing to change her mind.  You really have to have a heart for that in order to do it well.  

If it really is only fear of the system, maybe you could try fostering first to see how it works out.

Best wishes!

Answer 10

tell her to look at your home? Dont you love your childrent the same and trat them with love and more no abuse, you both know you wont let it hapen and by passing up the chance of taking them in they have a higher chance of going through the pain she went through.

You know you can protect them form people like that and form being thrown around from home to home by taking them into a home you both know is full of love and care. She should have faith in her family.

Answer 11

It really depends on what her issues are as for why she feels this way. if it is just the system she is worried about then I would go to a meeting for foster parents if she will go you don't have to sign up just go and meet some of the Foster parents that are there then talk to the ones that have adopted and hear their stories. maybe doing that will ease her mind. I am sure after going through what she has she doesn't want to see that pain on a child's face. good luck.

Answer 12

Buddy, I"m sure your wife knows very well that any child who comes into your home will not be abused, rather,loved and cared for as children should be. You say taking care of them is no problem 'cause you have the money & the space. But what about the cooking, cleaning, dishes and general daily work that all children need. Can she, or does she even want to go through all the younger stages again, potty training, starting school traumas etc. It's not all bells & whistles, there is a lot of work involved!! Not to mention the emotional issues they might bring. Good luck in your quest, I sincerely hope you can work something out to meet both your needs.