How to cope with feeling harassed by my father?

Question

I'm happy to talk to my father when he's in a good mood and we have things to talk about, but he's a very angry person and often takes it out on me.

In the past I've always been patient with him but over the years it's been wearing down on me and I've realized that I need to minimize my contact with him to deal with many of the mental issues and damage that has come from the abusive and controlling way he raised me.

The problem is, we have terrible communication. I've tried to explain to him nicely that I need space and to let me do things at my own pace, but he just doesn't seem to get it and I've resorted to peacefully avoiding him when I'm not feeling ready to handle talking to him.

As a result, he calls persistently. Instead of leaving a message or emailing me he just keeps calling repeatedly. It's not excessive like 5 times an hour or anything, but it's enough that it really wears down on my patience because it happens in moments where I'm specifically not taking his call because I don't have the energy to handle a conversation with him.

I don't know what to do anymore and I feel backed into a corner. He doesn't listen to me and he doesn't respect me when I ask for space. What should I do to make him understand that I need him to back off?

Answer 1

Overbearing parents really are a pain arent they.

Try writing to him, or emailing him to tell him in no uncertain terms to back off.  Warning though I had to do similar this year with an overbearing mother, and the subtle approach doesnt help.  In fact it took four email and two visits from her to get the message across.

Be persistant, and I hope you a successful in getting the time out you really need.

xx  

Answer 2

You can't make anyone do or think or understand anything. All you can do is what you need to take care of yourself. You don't have poor communication, from what I'm reading - you've asked him to not call, and he calls anyway.  What's not to understand?

All you can do is use caller ID to not take calls from him. It's very sad to not want to take calls from a family member who loves you, but if you need space, you need space. I agree with Pam that it's something you need to work out with you more than something you need to or can work out with your father.

Or, if you're happy to talk to him when he's in a good mood, take his calls and let him know you're going to have to go if he gets angry. And do it. Just hang up.

Your posts are vague about why you don't want contact with your father, but they're very clear that you don't want it, that the calls bug you, and that you feel contact with him is a bad thing. It's up to you to not have contact - seems like he's leaving you alone except for seeing his name on the caller ID.

Answer 3

it is a pity he is this way,  you are right to keep your distance from him. I don't think the problem with your father is " he doesn't get it"  I think he "doesn't want to get it" It would appear he wants things his was , so the only thing you can do is don't answer your phone..make an arrangement with yourself that you will only answer his calls once a week. You need to do this for YOU .