How to cope with my current situation?

Question

I'm a long distance relationship. She's 16 and I'm 17. She lives so so very far away from me, but our love is strong and true. That's one of the advantages of being in and LDR, your love and everything that comes with it is a lot stronger than a regular same place relationship.

My girlfriend turned her parents in for abuse because I advised her to. Her mom abuses her physically and mentally/emotionally. Her dad abused her sexually from a very young age until she was 14. Her mom knew about it and knew it was true but never told the authorities.

I didn't want to see her in that kind of household anymore, so I advised her to turn her parents in. She did just that. She is now in a children's center and I feel so useless. She called me from her cell phone crying and saying how she couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to comfort her but her phone ran out of minutes, it being prepaid. She has no more money to buy load for her phone. I was going to send her my debit card in case she needed to buy more load or anything else she needs, but I have no idea how I would do that. I have no idea where she is, or the number the place where she is. No contact with her whatsoever.

She sent me one last text saying child services is going to take her cell phone away because they said she is not allowed to use it. Now I can’t even comfort her, can’t even talk to her.

I recently told my mom of my girlfriend’s situation and she has agreed to help her. She is willing to take her and her sister in as her foster kids. My mom is a business woman that deals with social workers all the time so she knows how these things work. My girlfriend has told her social workers of this and has told them to call my mom since my mom is the only adult that my girlfriend is seeking support from. So my is mom was supposed to talk to my girlfriend’s social workers and discuss the matters with them, but they never called my mom. My mom is really nice and because of this I realize how much I have taken her for granted.

I feel so stupid and useless. I told her I would do everything I can for her, but there isn’t anything I can do. I went to the child services here but they were no help whatsoever. They said they can’t help me and I they couldn’t even answer my questions.

I can’t stop crying and worrying about her. I haven’t had any sleep in two day because I would stay up all night and worry about her. I would try to sleep (like now) but can’t. Today I even started coughing up blood, and passed out for a few minutes. I haven’t been eating well either, just a nibble of food here and there. Like the sleep, I just can’t eat. I even have to force myself to eat those little nibbles just so I won’t starve myself to death

There isn’t even anymore communication between us. Now I have no idea where, hot to get a hold of her, or she is or how she’s doing. I’m so worried about her. I feel so useless as her boyfriend that I can’t even call to comfort her.

I can’t help thinking that this is all my fault. I was the one that advised her to turn her parents in. Now I think I made the situation worse. I told her to try and get a restraining order on her parents. After being with her mom and dad and getting to know them on one my visits I really believe that they would kill her because of this. Her mom even threatened to kill her while I was right there listening, but now she is trying to be nice and sweet talk her daughter out of this. Judging by the last conversation we have that she might cave into her fake sweet talk.

I just hope that she doesn’t back out of this, because then child services would consider her a liar and discredit everything she says for now now. Then she would probably be put back with her parents and god knows what they will do to her. Then she would not be taken seriously by child services if she reports again. I need to talk to her, tell her to be strong, go one with it. That it’s very important that she not give up and go through with it!! I need to comfort her but I have no way to do that… I’m so useless.

I only get to see her about once a year, until I turned 18 then I would move to where she is. Last month was the last time I got to see her in person which was when I also advised her to do this. I told her that no matter what happens I will forever love her. It’s our promise to each other: Always and forever, never letting go of one another, to death and BEYOND. I told her that even if we get our communication cut because of this, that it’s ok. We will continue to love each other, and that our love will never be broken. Our hearts would find each other again. Since up to now I have talked to her for hours EVERY day, that I realizes that saying that is so much easier said than done.

I don’t know what to do… I’m so lost… I need help… all I want to be able to help her trough this, to comfort and motivate her since she really needs it, but I can’t do any of those things.

How would you guys handle my situation? Thanks for reading through all of that, I just wrote so much to relieve some stress.

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you dude. I don't know what to tell you except keep hoping that things will work out for the best and do your best to contact child services where she's at. I hope she can find a friend at social services that'll be there while you can't and that she doesn't fall for her mother's tricks. Still, I think she's better off than a lot of people in her situation since she's got your love as well as your mom there for her in spirit. Good luck to you both.

P.S. You have to take better care of yourself, man. Eat regular meals even if everything tastes like cardboard. Go out and try to enjoy being a teenager every now and then. She'd want that for you. Do some therapeutic writing if that's what helps you sort through your feelings and lower your stress. You've got to look your best for when you two are reunited, okay?  

Answer 2

Dude, while it was a good idea to report her abusive situation, you guys jumped the gun without any fore thought

i.e. where was she going to live after they took her out of the house? where was she going to schoool? why didn't she go to live FIRST at your moms, then report her parents? Better yet, why didn't you offer her shelter? But you're a minor yourself. Did you know she'd wind up at a children's home? Did she? Why hadn't she gone to someone else's house before? This girl is now in a shelter, w/o you and w/o her family.  In sme states you can apply for independent minor status from the courts at age 16. Maybe she can do that.

You see her ONCE a year and talk about devoted love but your problem solving skills are sorely lacking. When you are lookig for solutions you need to look beyond the obvious and see the long term.

Good luck!

Answer 3

It sounds like that although it is very difficult at this time, you did the right thing....her parents were worse on her than the place she is...it is all new to her, and you have a wonderful mom who is willing to help you both out...Pray to God and Jesus, for strength, and all will be well...get her another prepaid phone to give her when she gets here....your mom can probably get in touch for you, and if she is willing to take in your girlfriend, it will be just a matter of time.

Answer 4

Ummm you should not feel useless. Getting mentally abused for one, is worst than physical abuse IMO. So dont feel useless. Two, you can mail her i believe, if you know the address or whatever and 3, your story was very very long. Either way you WILL see her again just fight right a long with her and pray to the man upstairs!

Good luck

Answer 5

You did the right thing telling her to report her parents to the right people, so she didn't have to put up with them anymore.

You also need to take a break from all this stress, keep in contact still of course, but go do something to take your mind of it, get some rest, so you can be yourself, and at least start eating right again.

I hope you get together one day.

Best of luck to you and her!

Ask Phoebe.