How to correct a failure to launch situation.?

Question

Okay, I have a 20 year old son who moved back home in January to get his stuff together so he could get another apartment.

Since then he has left two jobs and has not worked since around March. He has had two different girls staying here with him. The current one is the better of the two, she has a job. The other one ended up being a psycho and we kicked her out.

I have paid approximately 2500 dollars in fines for minor in possession fines for him getting caught with alcohol. The original deal was that if I paid the fines he was to join the military and repay me out of the enlistment bonus. He had since decided that he does not want to join the military.

His girlfriend is looking for an apartment,and told him to not worry about a job until they determine where they will be living. So, his life is pretty much sleep until 1 or 2 PM. Wake up and play video games, eat, and either play with friends or his girlfriend until all hours of the morning. He flat refuses to do anything asked of him around the house and disrespects both me and my wife. He was asked to clean the kitchen and went to play football instead. When the wife asked him about the kitchen, his reply was "Sorry I did not clean it to your standards".

I do not really want to go to the extreme that my gut tells me to. Which is to show him the door and let him sink or swim. I can't take the stress and chaos that he is adding to the house any more.

So, any viable suggestion would be great.

Answer 1

What gets me is some people's attitude that their parents have to support them financially all their lives. Give him enough rope to hang himself as they say. Tell him if doesn't start to pull his own weight around there by a certain date you will kick his lazy butt out. After all, as far as I am concerned parents responsibility to their children is to raise them and give them all the support they need to go out into the world and fend for themselves. Not so they can move back home and mooch off their parents. Make him understand you will not put up with his bs anymore. In other words tell him to get his act together and do his share around the house or get out, after all he is not paying for rent or food.

Good Luck and have a nice day.

Answer 2

It's time to sink or swim! He is an adult. Kick his ungrateful butt out. I am 24 years old and have a husband, 2 kids, 2 cars, and we own our home. I had NO help from my drug addicted crazy mom or her family. I was homeless for several years due to her. If I can do it, so can he. Once he's out though, stick to your guns. Don't give him money or buy him things. He will either smarten up, or he will be an ungratefull a** forever. Either way, you are not responsible. If you keep letting him get away with everything, you will be at fault for how he acts and what kind of person he becomes.

Answer 3

As he is 20 yrs old he should be paying you rent and contributing to the food shopping etc. I suggest that you make things a bit less comfortable for him by making him pay rent and giving him a rota of chores, at the moment he's having his cake and eating it so in his head there's no reason to get a job or move out and support himself. At 20 he can not expect to be supported financially and waited on hand and foot by his family. I understand why you don't want to kick him out, you love him, but think of it this way, if you disappeared tomorrow, has he learnt to take care of himself? Are you doing him any favours? Some tough love is needed, you have to be cruel to be kind. He will appreciate it in the long term. if you don't give him boundaries he will not respect you. My brother still lives at home because he has many disabilities but he holds down a job and contributes to the rent and makes the effort to be polite to my parents. There is no reason why your son can't do the same. If he refuses to pay rent then take away his tv, don't cook for him, don't allow him to eat your food, tell his girlfriend to move out etc, he shouldn't get privileges like that if he is not aware of how lucky he is to have the support of a good family. All the best.

Answer 4

Well it seems to me that you don't have a lot of choice here. Tough love is what it's going to take. You can't let him continue to disrespect your wife, your home and yourself. I have a similar situation myself with my 20 year old daughter and her boyfriend. She had moved into an apartment  earlier this year with a room mate and when it didn't work out, she came back with boyfriend in tow. I am a single parent and her 2 younger sisters live with me. I make a list for them letting them know what I expect to be done when I get home from work. They either help me or they can leave, period. There are no free rides in life and it is our job to teach them this whether we like it or not. Sit down with him and tell him how it is. By asking him the right questions, he can lay it out himself. It's time for the boy to grow up and be responsible for himself. If he can't do the dishes in your wife's kitchen they way she wants it done, then he can't eat. No employer is going to keep him on if he doesn't do the job the way it is supposed to be done, period. These are lessons he needs to learn to make it in life. Tough love is the only way to handle this, the days of babying him are long gone.