How to date a single dad and not feel left out?

Question

I am 28 years old, with no children of my own. I have been dating a man for about six months who has two young children from a previous relationship. I have never before dated a man with children. My issue is that I never know when I will see him, because he does not incorporate me into the life of him and his kids. I know that he may not be ready to introduce me to his kids yet, as I know that is a very important and personal decision. However, I sometimes feel that I get the scraps that are left over in his life. I know that his children have to be his first priority, but it seems that every time we are supposed to do something together he cancels because his ex drops off his kids at the last minute. I am not asking for all of his time, just some level of priority. However, his kids come first, and I would not respect him if he had it any other way! Any ideas on how to deal? Or is this just what I have to put up with when dating a single dad?

Answer 1

I am a single dad with custody of both my kids. I have been dating the same woman now for 8 months. She has 2 girls of her own. I have already introduced her and her kids to my kids. It took me about 4 months to do so. Until then, It was hard to do things with each other when the kids had things going on, like sports and school events. But we made it through and the kids get along with her and her kids. We tend to do things as a family now. I have know this woman since we were in diapers together.  She and I made it through the hard part and now enjoy each other and each others kids. The only thing is we do not spend the night together when the kids are around. You just have to get through it. If you love him you will.

Answer 2

I have been in this situation since I started dating my man last April.  At that time, his daughters were 2 1/2 and 10.  What we did was this:  He and I dated for a few weeks, and then brought me to the house as a "friend" to hang out and see how the girls and I got along.  Then we went to Chuck-E-Cheese for a few hours.  After a few weeks of being together as "friends," we started to introduce the concept of me being his girlfriend.  We have a set "date night" that is pretty standard.  If something comes up, we try and find a sitter, but we always have one date every week, no matter what.  In addition, we all spend a lot of time together hanging out and playing.  Hope this helps.

Answer 3

I don't mean to sound like an idiot, but this is one of the many reasons I never date anyone who was married or has a kid or kids.

Answer 4

I've been in your situation and I couldn't handle it.  the ex hated me too (broke into the house while I was sleeping there for example).  We were living together while they were divorcing so I had to leave the house every weekend the kids came over and stay in a motel - I moved to live with him so I had no where else to go.  He had 4 kids.   They loved me and we played a lot, and I loved them too.  But the difficult part was just what you say here: you are not involved and always need t ostep out when it comes to them.  I can't see that changing but for me the situation was also that he had a life with his ex, albeit a separated life.  And he liked it that way.  Not all men are like that, some really do move on and get the routine down, but to some extent they will always be involved with their ex.  So you'd need to decide what you can handle.  It was a horrible feeling to clean and cook in a house all week and feel like it was my home but then be sent away like a maid.  I didn't wallow in it, but I knew I couldn't do it.  So I called it off.  I don't think there's anything wrong with knowing your limits.  It may all just have been bad timing as he was only separated a year too.  I think that plays a big part - in another year, your man will also be more settled into his routine and you'll be more established if you stay.  Respect to you either way but don't kid yourself about accepting something that isn't for you.  Real danger signs would be when you are introduced that he leaves you to entertain them while he does his own thing, or what attitude he takes towards them and you when discipline is involved.  Anyway, best of luck and sorry I'm biased in the negative a bit.

Answer 5

Well... since his ex hates you... she's the one making things so hard.  I've been in your shoes.  She will do all that she can to make sure you and her ex (your man) aren't together. That green monster called jealousy.

Yes, his kids do come first. I agree.  However, he does need to stand up to his baby's mama.  If he's constantly cutting plans with you, then is that something you are willing to deal with down the road?  Just accept that you're not number 1 on his list. Sucks... but the kids come first.

I've been with my fiance for about 3 yrs... his ex to this day still tries her best to break us up.  She see's how happy we are.  They have a child together who he has full custody of.  Her life is c**p and she's mad she screwed it up.

It comes down to if you want to deal with drama or not...

Answer 6

He is a father first grow up and deal with it or move on to a man with no kids !!

Answer 7

Maybe you should think of something fun for you and his kids to do.  Something where the kids are there doing their own thing and your doing yours.  Like at the pool or something.  Suggest it to him.   If you two are serious about the relationship sooner or later his ex will have to accept it.

Answer 8

It sounds like he just may not be ready yet. It's understandable. You don't want to introduce a new mom figure too soon.. It could break the kids hearts and force you guys into a more serious relationship than you're ready for. Maybe sit down and talk about where the relationship is headed to see when taking that step may be appropriate. The kids will always come first, that's his responsibility to them..

Answer 9

It must be hard to be in your situation.  With kids that young you may be seen as the "other woman" even though their parents are divorced. He could be trying to protect both you and them. You from their anger at a percieved, "she is trying to take our daddy from us". The kids from becoming attached to someone and taking a chance of it not working out and the kids getting their feelings hurt.

It sounds like you are trying your best to be understanding of the situation. You aren't trying to take him away from his children or even limit the time they get to spend together.

This is an issue between him and his ex.  It sounds like they have some poor planning between them.  I don't blame him for wanting to spend every minute he can with his kids, that is a great thing.... but it would only take one conversation a week to settle this whole matter.  For example:  He calls her every Sunday evening with his handy dandy calendar in his hand. They discuss the week.  Who needs to pick the kids up at practice on Wed?  What night would be best for me to take them for pizza?  What are the plans for the weekend?  

Simple organization.  Then if he is okay with how much time he has planned for the week with his kids... great... perfect... and he knows how much time he has for the two of you. But if you have a date on Friday night and the ex calls at 6pm and says, "hey I need to drop off the kids with you" then he should be okay with saying, "you know what, I have plans already. wow, I would like to have the kids some extra though. How about this Sunday when we make out our schedule we plan for an extra night to help you out and you can go do something for yourself?"

Assertive but still making the point that the kids come first.

Of course the catch to all this is that HE has to be willing to do it.  If not then you are either stuck with how things are... or... you could start looking at your other options.