How to deal gracefully?

Question

ok, i need some help guys...in laws?...i love these ppl dearly, they are very, very good to me, my hub, and my dd who is only 2.5 mos old..my hub is their youngest and he's 41, so they are in their mid sixties and had pretty much given up on grandchildren a long time ago..they knew his older brother would never have kids as he is very nice, but also very self-involved...his wife therefore never got to have kids, so has kinda plugged that hole by pretty much taking care of her younger bro's kids a lot of the time when they were babies, but they are both school age now, so she doesn't see them as much (they did lived right next door and i think they spent more time there bc little bro was a young un when he had them so he didn't mind);now they have moved...anyways, so my SIL is also extremely doting on my dd...sorry it's taking so long, but to get a good answer i feel i have to really explain things....my hubs prents have been coming weekly (at least once a weekend) to see my dd since she was born; hub works his butt off, so he sees my dd in the am when she gets up for a few hours-most of which she is sleeping-and maybe at most half hour at night, bc he gets up early to give her her am feed, so he has to come in and go almost immediately to bed, and he still doesn't get much sleep...he's also very fanatical about mowing, getting the 'man' things done, and he can only do those on the we, so when they come down, they stay most of the day, so the only other day he is off he spends doing mostly chores, so we don't get time to just take off to the park, or do something fun as a family...a few weeks ago i asked for some 'no visitor' weekends and we have had a couple, one of which FIL still came up with an excuse to drop by, and occasionally MIL does the same; i know hub is in a bind bc they are just so excited so told him they could visit in an evening while he is working if it would free up our weekend...so from his mom, it got back to him that his dad made some comment about 'having to make an appt' to see his granddaughter..i am a private person anyway, and i don't like drop-ins period. as he is a great person i am struggling to not take offense to this...when they are here, i don't get a chance to touch my dd, my hub and i have actually overheard them bickering with each other from another room about who is going to hold her, like kids, my turn, no my turn, etc..

so, how do i nicely, take my dd back without being obvious that i am sick of not touching my d**n dd all freakin' day? bc here's the kicker...they are all going to the beach in october, and we have been invited to go free of charge, so i think my hub really wants to go bc he wants to fish..of course i don't want to go, bc of the obvious and all the c**p i will have to tote for someone so young...he's not demanding that we go, he's open to going somewhere by ourselves but i can tell her really wants to go with them, and they are his family...so real ? --if we go, how do i keep control of things? i am a sahm, so we have a loose schedule that works well for us, and if they are all passing her around 24/7 i am gonna go nuts! not only will she be all off her routine, but i won't get to cuddle my dd like i want! her dad will not assert himself too much bc he feels bad that they are older, maybe not be here in ten yrs etc.., but i want that time with my dd and hub...esp dd--it will be her first trip to the beach as well, so i want to be the one playing in the sand, etc with her..i don't mind them getting in on the fun, but i do want to maintain our 'us' time...so how do i nicely, day in and day out, day after day assert myself without offending anyone? they are really great ppl i just don't think they realize how much they are imposing on us now, and i don't think any of them will realize it at the beach if we go....HELP! i will not be rude to them so pls don't suggest that, but i don't have a problem being nicely assertive....

Answer 1

I know how you feel as I have gone through this as well. I actually heard my MIL call her self mommy quite a few times which really pissed me off. She always had to be there everyday as she worked across the street. She bought everything all the time. It was really hard to swallow everything that she did and she was really annoying. I had to get over it. She would still buy my hubbies undies and socks. Very controlling as he is her baby boy. I just had to deal with all of it cause at the time everything she was buying was really helping us save for a house. It has now been 5 years and she is still the same but I have had another baby and she is a real help. She is still as deep in our lives as she was 5 years ago but she now knows that I am a strong willed person and knows when she going over the line. It just took time for me to get over it and her to learn that she is going over a bit. I never really sat down and talked it out with her until after my first was a year or so but by then she kinda got the clue that she was over doing it. Now I love the help. She picks up my older son and takes him for the weekends and still buys lots of stuff for the baby. As crazy as I was going in the beginning I am glad I got the help I did cause I sure do need it now. Hope this helps a little and hang in there.

Answer 2

o boy do i know this feeling my dear..lol

all you can really do is tell them that this is MY daughter and im going to do what i think is best for her.  let them know you dont care abou them dropping by as long as you know before hand and that you NEED them to respect your schedule because of you needing your rest, wanting to spend time as a family, ect.  if you cant be nice about it..dont feel bad. i had to actually be rude with my inlaws for them to get the point.  they are excited to be grandparents thats all and need to be reminded that this is your baby,

Answer 3

aww.. they are really cute but i can totally see how annoying this can be to you.

emm.. actually it's for the baby's interest if she's not passed around specially when outside... you can tell them that you've noticed she might not be feeling so well, so it'd be best if she wasn't passed around too much and pretty much stayed with one person, and that one person is obviously you... (don't forget you can blame lots of things on her pediatricien)

do you breastfeed? if you do, you can take her for the feed and then just sort of keep her with you. if they show interest in taking her, you can say, oh it's actually time for her vitamin or something... then give her vitamin, then go back to play... have her with you and involve them.

my In laws were almost the same.. they have lots of grand children but mmost of them grew up far from them.. my husband is the youngest and they just loved our daughter. sometimes i'd just (really nicely) tell them, oh, she seems a bit tired, it might be best if i held her, she might fall asleep... or oh, she's not feeling so well today, it might be best if i held her..... and they were really understanding and would back off immediately, and say oh, in that case, yes, it's best for her to stay with her mommy.

I'm sure if you tell them nicely, they will back off, but do give them a turn. when you think the moment is right, take your baby and tell them  that your baby wants to be with her grandparents, trust me, they will love it and will realize you don't have anything against them.

good luck