How to deal with Single Motherhood?

Question

This is posed to mainly other single mothers, but others are welcome, too.

I am eighteen years old and five months pregnant. My boyfriend stuck around for the first three months of the pregnancy, but now he has left me for another woman. He says he wants nothing to do with the child and doesn't care. I'm not sure what to do.

Here's a few options I'm concidering:

Asking for child support. (No gaurantee that it will be paid.)

Completely forgetting about him and don't rely on getting any money or help from him or his family.

Or some other option I haven't figured out yet.

You're opinions and outtake on this would be much apreciated.

Thanks.

Answer 1

1.) Ask for child support (without a guarantee that it will be enforced). He will likely receive some visitation rights, however.

2.) Cut him out of your life and the baby's life, forgoing child support but also not granting him parental rights.

3.) Government assistance, that's what it's there for to help you through life's poor choices.

If you decide for option 1, then you'll need to keep in contact with your (ex) boyfriend and have him sign the birth certificate acknowledging  paternity. Otherwise, a DNA test will be ordered by the court when you petition for child support, opening the door for him to demand visitation rights and joint legal custody. And, assuming he isn't a danger to the child, he'll get both.

If you go for option 2, then don't list him on the birth certificate and let him come after you if he changes his mind. You get no money from him and the baby now does not have a father in his/her life at all, but you can now focus on the baby and not rely upon your ex for anything.

If you go for option 3, be prepared to take a lot of heat for using public money to solve problems that you put yourself in.

Answer 2

That's why I say before you lay on your back make sure your money is stacked.

Answer 3

Dear Frostycatgirl,

FIRST...do NOT let anyone give you c**p for going on assistance.  I read one answer saying people will give you c**p for going on assistance for 'your mistake.'  Better those that made a mistake get assistance than those who pop out baby after baby by choice to get more assistance.  YOU are exactly who assistance is there for!!  Take it.  And if you live in the U.S., when I see the taxes taken out of my check I'll feel better about it, knowing that I'm helping you!  Good for you for doing exactly what you needed to do to make sure you and your baby are taken care of as soon as you could!!  You're already showing the signs of a responsible and caring mother! ;)

Second...don't allow anyone else or yourself ever think of this child as a 'mistake' or an 'accident'...think of him/her as a surprise...because every child is a gift just waiting to be shown their potential!!

Now on with it:

I'm not sure how you dated him for two years without knowing if he's legal or not...?  What's up with that?

Think about a few things before giving this guy a chance at having your child in his life:

1. Do you want the woman he ends up with to 'play mommy' with your child?  Do you want another woman in your role even part of the time?

2. If you don't know if he's legal then I have to assume that you also don't know other things...like what his parenting ethics and morals would be.  SO...are you ready to have to fight against what he allows and his parenting ideas if they go against what you believe to be right for your child?  Because that's a life long battle.

3. Are you ready and do you have the money to chase this guy down (hiring private detectives and lawyers) if he isn't a citizen and takes off with your child to Mexico or where ever else he may be from?  Also, if he's not legal then he may be working "under the table" and not getting a real "check" but getting cash...if that's the case then there's no check for the govenment to garnish and you'll be out of luck but will have opened the door to him laying claim to your child.

4. Are you ready for someone that doesn't have the courage and honor to stand by his pregnant girlfriend to be one of the people that shows your child how to be a good person?  I'm going to tell you right now that people will say all children need both parents.  But is that true?  Really?  I say no father at all is a better father than a crappy one.  Period.  A crappy person that you can not depend on...a person that may tell your child they'll be there to pick them up and doesn't show is one that fills your child with a sense of insecurity in themselves for their entire lives - because no matter what you or anyone says, some part of them will wonder if their daddy didn't come because they aren't a good enough child.  If he's just "not there" and he wasn't before they were born then the child doesn't have to think it's about them and you should never insinuate that him leaving had anything to do with the pregnancy...just tell them the partial truth - he found a different girlfriend and he decided to be with her.  Don't make it bad or good...just factual and neutral, okay?

It sounds as if you have the support of your parents...which is exactly what they're there for...so that is great!!  

Don't get too discouraged if you can't find a job...the chances of finding one once you're showing are slim to none because most people don't want to hire someone who will go into labor in 5 months or so and then will be out for 3 or 4 monts after that.  They won't admit this, of course, that would be admitting to illegal discrimination...but they won't hire you for "other reasons."  If that turns out to be the case, don't let it get you down, just focus on keeping you and, by extension, your baby healthy.  You'll be able to find work after the baby is born and then you can work towards eventually getting off of assistance and showing your child how to be a responsible parent.  People that can't get assistance may be bitter that you're getting it when they can't...for a while there I made $5 per month too much for assistance - like that $5 made me rich - I was literally $5 to 'wealthy' for the cutoff amount.  So I can see why people may be frustrated but that is NOT your fault or your responsibility...that is a bad government issue.  They're just looking for something/one tangible to blame, don't take it personally if they say things or allow them to make you feel somehow personally responsible for their lot in life.

So don't allow yourself to get stressed about the job thing...or the daddy involvement/support thing...right now.  You've got time to make that decision, it doesn't have to be made right now.  Stress is bad for the baby's development.

Show your parents every single day how much you appreciate their love, support and assistance!  Help out around the house and tell them how much you appreciate them every day!

Get the books, "what do expect when you're expecting" and "what to expect in the first year"...both were invaluable to me.  You CAN do this!! :)

I have my email capabilities turned on.  If you click on my name, it will take you to my profile...then you can click to the right of my 'picture' and email me at any time...now, after a couple of months, after the baby's born, whenever.  I'm here.

Answer 4

You can do this without him.I raised two kids without the help of their dad.I was pregnant with no.2 when I left as he had absolutely no interest in the first one,so knew I'd be better off alone.Its hard,but with support from family its the best job in the world.My ex has just decided after 5yrs of not seeing his kids or paying maitenence he wants to be a father again & its not an easy predicament to be in as I dont want them to go,they dont want to go but the courts say he has every right.They dont think of the fact that if he decides once again he doesnt wanna be a dad.what it does to the kids.So what I'm getting at is, you do whatever you feel is best for your child,you're the only one who knows whats best for the situation.Keep your chin up & enjoy being pregnant ,becoming a mum & just have fun with your little one!!!

Answer 5

Hi, i feel for you, i was a little older when i had my little girl and i ended up leaving him when she was 5 month old due to abuse. I wanted him out of my life for good and i managed to raise my daughter without any of his help, i fif not want his $ cause wanted him out of my life 4 good.  

It is not easy but if you have great family support then the sky is the limit and you will succeed.   In 8 yrs i have accomplished so much, and i know you can do it to.  I rented an appartment for 3 yrs and managed to save up and bought a house for when she started school.  i never gave up or play the pity card for being a single mom, it made me work harder to give her what a 2 income family could.  

Today i am now married to a wonderful man who has accepted my daughter and i :)    My daughter knows she has a dad out there and never asks about him, i told her the reason at an early age.  He hasnt seen her in over 7 yrs and i have full custody and full access.  

Things may also be different in a few months and if you want child support, it is your right as a mom, see a lawyer when the baby is born, he will have to pay or you can have his wages garnished  (where i am from that is what they do.  not sure where u live)

I wish you well, be strong for you and the baby.  It is important right now.

Good luck

Answer 6

im in a similar situation and have opted to do this all alone. No child support, visitation from him or anything...

I think im bitter though.

But this is what i have decided :)

You can do it.. however you decide.  

Answer 7

I am over 30 and my husband took off when my son was 4 months old and he is almost 18 months now.  I am going after him for support but I'm not counting on getting it and I have been raising him by myself.  You will be amazed at how strong you are and how much you will be determined to do everything for you and that baby.  I don't know how close you are to your family, but if you are, they will be a wonderful resource.  If not, then lean on those people that truly care about you.  You can do it and you will find that you and the baby will be much better off.  Good luck!

Answer 8

being a single mother i a hard thing i did it. you worrie about work bills everything, but with each day i had a wounderful joy in my life. as for the father go through the corts after the baby is born to get child suport. he help make the baby he can help pay. dont let him off the hook if you are getting public aid then they will help you get your child support. then if he dont pay he will end up going to jail. and just because he is being a horses butt dont mean his family is. you dont want to punish anyone. you never know he might change his mind. men are funny about pregnancy. my new hubby we are 26 weeks preggy he will talk about the kids my daughter and his son and seem to forget the one i have in me. most men have the forgetful ness of pregnancy tell the baby comes,just take things one day at a time. but dont let his f***y off the hook he played now make him pay.  

Answer 9

Get a lawyer and demand child support (you can have it taken directly from his check)

Don't rely on him for anything.

Do what you have to do to take care of your child.  Be strong, never badmouth the father, and lead by example.  You CAN do this and be successful and happy!!!

Good luck!!

Answer 10

You dont have to just ask for child support. Its the law that he has to pay it. You will be fine though so take the next four months to come up with your game plan. Do you have any support at all from your family? Somewhere to live, a family member to babysit, anything? You should keep in mind that you dont need him or his money, although it would be a big help to have his money. You obviously know you need a job, and if youre going to school that is awesome too. The government has all kinds of help for women like us. Go to your local Department of Human Services office and sign up for medical help, also you might qualify for food stamps and things like that. Medicaid will pay for EVERYTHING for you and the baby from now until you dont need assistance anymore. Its really an awesome thing. I know that my state (illinois) also pays for daycare and you get to pick the daycare of your choice. Just start with the DHS office hun. Its a bit of a hassle but well worth it. I would say good luck but you dont need it. You'll be just fine even though sometimes it seems like you cant do it, you will find a way.

Answer 11

if you ask for child support then the courts will make sure he pays or is put in jail but he will also have rights to the child that you must abide by also. children need both parents and if you ignore the father now then it will be harder on both of you when he/she grows up. good luck  with what ever you decide to do.

Answer 12

*sigh*  I am also single and pregnant.  I work 40+ hours a week (I'm 37 weeks along).  I "make too much money" for assistance....so how do you do it?  Do you work at all?  It seems wrong that we are in similar situations, yet I work hard and pay my own way, and you get handouts.