How to deal with a friend who can't get over me at my wedding?

Question

Brian and I dated very briefly several years ago, and we've been very close friends ever since. The problem is, he never got over me, and he's still in love with me, even though I'm engaged to someone else (and Brian fully approves of my fiance). Whenever Brian gets drunk, he usually ends up crying over how much he still loves me. (I'm also the only girl Brian has ever dated, which doesn't help anything.)

My fiance and I are really worried about how Brian will be at our wedding. He's likely to show up by himself, and we're concerned that he'll start drinking out of boredom, then end up drunk and crying. How can we try to make sure he'll have a good time?

Answer 1

i think you, your fiance and Brian sit down all together and calmly explain this.

see if you can get Brian to go with another one of your girlfriends that you're inviting to the wedding. they don't have to hookup or anything, just be friends and have other friends take turns keeping Brian busy. i know it's probably sounding mean for being naive but it's better than having Brian go wild and drunk on you.

congratulations and good luck. :]

Answer 2

This is ganna be really stupid but have a drink minimum. That way he wont get drunk. Yea this really doesnt help!

Just talk to him before the wedding and say look man, I really dont want you to be drunk, Im afraid something could happen to you.

Or you can make him a designated driver. Im thinking of ideas so he wont be drinking you know.

Hope I helped!

~yoyo

Answer 3

Reanalyze your friendship with him.  Why is he friends with you?  He still wants to be with you.  Drunk or not, he puts you in an uncomfortable situation everytime he confesses his true feelings.  You should take a break from your friendship.  You need to let him go so he can get over you.  If the friendship is truly there, he will understand and it can be rekindled after some time passes.  It's not fair to you or your fiance to have to worry about him during your wedding day.

Answer 4

Well, ideally if he's never going to get over you, the best thing for you to do for him would be to end the friendship. It's just going to keep hurting him to see you happy with someone else knowing he wishes you were still with him. But if that's not an option for you, let him decide if he wants to come to your wedding. Don't make him feel obligated to come by sending him an invitation. Ask him what he wants first. If he does want to come, encourage him to bring a lady friend as a date. We all know that girls love to go to weddings as dates. They get the mushy, gushy feelings stirred up and want to become romantically involved. Maybe he and this girl will click and he'll get over you. Fix him up with a friend of yours if need be. But if I were you, I'd end the friendship as I wouldn't want to cause him any more pain. Hope that helps.  

Answer 5

Looks like you made the right move not sticking with this guy. What a wet blanket. Obviously you can't control another person's behavior. But, I suggest you assign someone to him - preferably a single female friend, but it could be a couple or a male pal. Someone to keep an eye on him and keep the party from getting out of hand.  

Answer 6

talk to him ...

tell the bartender at the banquet to watch out for him and cut him off

be prepared to escort him (give someone that job)  out of the wedding if he does end up acting up

Answer 7

If he starts crying and acting that way when hes drunk then I'm sorry to tell you the truth, he isnt ok with it and he doesnt understand.  Its just he can try and hide it when he is sober.  To be honest, the best thing you can do is cut this guy off until he really does learn to accept it.  Being best friends with this guy isnt helping you or him any.  I dated a guy briefly about 5 years back and he still to this day brings up how much he loves me and misses me and wishes we were still together even though we live so far apart and I've been married for 4 years.  I stopped really talking to him about a year ago and to be honest, I feel better and hes moved on.  The reality you need to face here is that there is no friendship for it to destroy.  you want a friendship and he wants a relationship.  Hes trying to be friends to keep you in his life.  Any guy I dated that I am still friends with involves no feelings other then friendship.  No need or want, just friendship.  Until he learns thats all hes getting then this is going to keep happening and its not what you need to be bringing into a new marriage.  Enjoy the best day of your life with the worry of how he will react.  maybe seeing you get married will trigger a reaction from him without even needing to be drinking because it officially means your off the marked for him.  I wouldnt chance it.

edit:  I find it very strange that your fiance has developed a friendship with a guy who is still head over heels in love with his fiance.  thats just twisted and strange.  My husband would never go for that and if the roles were reversed and a girl was liek that with my husband, she would be out of the picture so fast its not even funny.

Answer 8

Point Brian out to the bartender and tell him/her to cut him off after so many so he wont be able to get drunk.  Make sure he doesn't know you did it though so you wont hurt his feelings.  You could also tell him that there is a limit on how much alcohol guests can have before they cut them off because they are liable if anything would happen after the wedding.

Answer 9

Oh that is easy, just don't invite him. Or hook him up with one of the bridesmaids.

Answer 10

I can only imagine how your fiancee feels about all of this. You are SO worried about how Brian feels, but seem to lack concern as to how this is making your fiance feel.  I am sure your fiance just loves how whenever Brian gets drunk he pines over your lost love affair.  And how if you not invite him you will "destroy the friendship", meanwhile your fiancee is worried about this dude having a good time at your wedding? Yeah, right!

Personally, I think you either like that he isn't over you or you still have feelings for him yourself, otherwise you would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago.

If you are truly over this guy, then you need to sit him down and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable.  If he can just be friends then you will continue a friendship with him, if he can't, then you need to break contact with him all together out of respect for your future husband.

If you aren't over this guy, then you need to think about who it is you want to be with, and act appropriately.

Edit: I am not attacking you here.  If you love your fiancee with all your heart then why is it ok with you to have his "buddy" professing his love to you?  If the roles were reversed would you be ok with this?  Please, I am telling you to think about this...there is an old saying keep your friends close and your enemys closer.  I'd wager that your fiance is not as ok with this as you think.  What guy wants a friend of his in love with his wife????

Answer 11

I think you need to leave Brian off of the guest list.  Better to have your friend mad at you than your wedding day ruined by some drunk that can't keep his emotions to himself.  When in doubt leave them out.

Answer 12

If he is still in love with you I wouldn't invite him to the wedding. It will cause problems/embarrassment.  

Answer 13

You need to enlist the help of a very good friend who will monitor Brian's drinking and distract or remove him if need be should he become a problem.

Answer 14

When Brian finds someone else, he will be gone from your life. Meanwhile, perhaps a little tough love will work. Tell Brian he can come to the wedding, but either he has to bring a date, or sit at the singles table. If he starts crying, or causes any other kind of trouble, then he is out, and in a cab and home. Tell him to bring cab money.

The rest is up to you, but I would say something to the effect that you AND new husband value his friendship, but it will have to be on you and hubby's  terms. No crying, no drunken confessions, or the friendship is in definite trouble. It is time for Brian to grow up. You are gone to another man, and he is a great friend, but not if he is going to cause a problem.

So his choice is, either grow up, and be the best friend he can be to both you and new hubby, or go get new friends. And tell him that is you and hubby's choice, now what is his?  

Answer 15

Best friend or not, I would SERIOUSLY not invite him.  He has made  his feelings  for you very clear , you are about to marry another man and you need to step up and draw that line in the sand and tell him that this is how it is going to be from now on. I think Inviting him could  be an accident waiting to happen. If he's going to come to your wedding with a "shoulda been me" attitude  then he's not going to have a good time, no matter what you say or do anyway.

Answer 16

If Brian were truly a friend you would have introduced him to some of your available friends and made it clear to him that your love for him is only in friend ship, but when it became clear to you at the first sign of being drunk another side came out and he wants you, you should have immediately cut the friendship, if brian were a stable man he would have moved on a long time ago and if you truly love the man you are to marry Brian has to go, best friends want what is best for you, you consider him as that but he thinks he still has a chance and right now it is about you being happy in the mate you want, you need to let brian go and NO he would not be invited to my wedding. I am telling you lose Brian and go on with your lifeI quite understand that you don't want to hurt your best friend's feelings. However, you're right to want to tell him how you feel. If he hangs around with you hoping that you'll one day fall in love with him, he has less chance of being free to find someone who will love him in the way he wants. he'd probably be happier if you didn't discuss his intimate feelings in front of anybody else, particularly your boyfriend whom he may see as a rival. By the same token, doesn't it make sense that you let your boyfriend know in confidence that you need a private word with the best friend, but that it's nothing which could possibly threaten your relationship? You may want to tell your boyfriend that you'll see him at a specific place and time after the meeting, giving yourself an hour or so with your friend to break the news and offer any reasonable comfort.

It's important that your best friend knows you like him, you care about him and love him as a friend, and that he has many positive qualities which will enable him to attract plenty of girlfriends when he's ready. girlfriends who are, unlike yourself, emotionally available. Although you value his friendship you're in love with someone else and you're happy with your boyfriend. Then you can return to telling your best friend that you'd still like to be friends with him and that you're there for him as a friend.

Although telling him in this kind of way is for his good as well as your own, he may well be hurt and angry at having his dream romance stifled. Even if he's angry or tearful, you don't have to be. You can be proud of yourself for being brave enough to tackle it. Whether he'll want to stay friends is anyone's guess, but you will have acted with his best interests at heart and been open and assertive all round. That's the best you can hope for. I'm glad you're such a caring girl and I wish you all the best in the future.

Answer 17

Honestly, it's just not a good idea to have your ex has a friend. It's just awkward that you kept him as a friend after the break up. But since you're stuck I think you should have a talk with him about drinking at your wedding. If he's that good a friend you can be honest with him. If you're not comfortable having the talk then he shouldn't be invited. Why ruin it for your future husband?

Answer 18

buy him an escort for the wedding, tell him its a blind date

Answer 19

Explain your feelings to him and then help him meet someone he can take to the wedding or sit him at a table of singles at the reception and hope for the best.