How to deal with a verbally abusive parent?

Question

I am 28 years old married and have a 2 year old son. My husband absolutely hates being around my mother and my son cries constantly around her. Being young I can remember me and her not being close at all. As I have gotten older I have tried to fix this by being around her more reaching out to her. When I am around her, she makes statements about my husband and my lifestyle. My relationship with my inlaws are awesome we go on trips and do alot of things together. My mother seems like she is jealous of the relationship that I have with my husband and his family. She starts arguments with me and says very hurtful things to me. I have really had enough of the bs and want to just not be around her anymore. I have tried to talk to her and tell her that it bothers me how she treats me. I have wrote her a letter telling her that I wish to no longer be in her presence. Is this the right thing to do?

Answer 1

That sounds a lot like my mom.  When I was 15 i was taken away from her because it got so bad and it was really hard to deal with her.

Something that i still have to keep in mind is that even though sometimes it seems mean that i don't talk to her as often or that i remain distant but its not mean of me.  It is the best thing that i can do for her, this way she learns that it is NOT okay to talk to people like that and treat your loved ones in that way.  I know that it is going to be hard for you to break off that closeness with her because she will be hurt by it but you need to do it for both your sake, and hers.  I am not saying completely stop talking to her but you need to be short and firm with her.  when she snaps at you, hold your hand up in the air, signaling her to stop and say "No, I do NOT appreciate that, and I will leave and you will not have any contact with me until you learn to talk to me like an adult"  Never scream at her, but always be firm and ALWAYS  set boundaries for yourself and your children to be around her.  

Like i said, this is going to be a hard move for you to make, because she is going to get very angry with you for making this change.  But YOU need to be able to have the control with your relationship with her.  She needs to respect you and if she refuses then yes, you need to remove her from you life.  

Answer 2

You’ve not given enough information for anyone to know if there is verbal abuse or not.  Not agreeing with your lifestyle and telling you that she doesn’t agree with it does not, in itself, equate to verbal abuse.  That’s just stating her opinion.  Saying hurtful things does not, in itself, equate to verbal abuse.  For example, if I tell someone they’re being an insensitive jerk, while that may hurt their feelings, it’s not verbal abuse.  That’s me stating my opinion (and if I state it, you better believe I can back it up with reasons/examples).  The point is just because someone says something you don’t like, that doesn’t mean they’re subjecting you to verbal abuse.

With that said, maybe there is verbal abuse.  I don’t know, because again, you didn’t provide enough information.

If hubby doesn’t like her, then he needs to stay away from her.  When you go to her house, he stays home.  When she comes to your house, he excuses himself from the room.  

If your son is crying around her and it’s not due to her mistreating him, then it’s because he’s picking up on the fact that *you* are upset/uncomfortable (babies are very sensitive that way).

I can’t tell you if you need to ban her from your life (again, not enough information), but you need to keep in mind that your decision doesn’t just affect you.  It affects your child too.  It means he'll miss out on a relationship with his grandmother.  And I’ve known people who weren’t the best parents in the world, but they were darn good grandparents.

Answer 3

yes. i estranged myself from my mother for a while too. she was the same way. i can't blame you. maybe when you and your son are not around, it will give her time to think.

Answer 4

YES! go for it!  Sounds like my mom, she was an alcoholic but i still love her and miss her dearly.  She passed away  May 18th of this year.  My mom would put down my husband and say hateful things all the time.  I felt the same way, that she had to be jealous of what i have because she was alone.   I just told my mom that i didn't appreciate what she was saying and that i didn't want to hear it anymore, she then backed off, but tried to do it time and time again.  When it started getting on my nerves I would tell her again, that i didn't want to hear it anymore, and I would back off from her for a while.  Its hard because its unconditional love for your mom.  Writing her a letter is the right thing to do, if anything it will help you because you have told her how it makes you feel.

Also, i wouldn't let her know about problems my husband and I were having and not share alot of things about the kids that stressed me out because that would just add fuel to her fire.

Answer 5

I feel for you, I really do. Normally I tell people to be respectful when it comes to difficult family members. In your case, I am reminded of my own situation. My husbands mother was always very rude and mean as well as moody. One would never know what to expect from her. Once we had children we would see her about twice a month because we felt it was the right thing to do. It was okay and tolerable for a couple of years until the kids were walking and talking. One day we went to the park and she called my oldest a name I don't want to repeat. This occurred more often and eventually my husband called her and told her that she is no longer part of our lives. She didn't apologize, just said :"Fine." That was four years ago and we had no contact with her anymore. I feel sorry for her but I am glad she is not in our lives. I think that is what you need to do. It will either wake her up or keep her away, but you need to think of your marriage and your children now. They are your main concern.