How to deal with an "overbearing" mother?

Question

I just recently moved out of my parents house and in with my fiance. My fiance is in the U.S. Army and leaves for boot camp shortly. Anyways, first came moving out. When I moved out I not only ad my mother against it but that whole side of the family. My mom was angry and said I would regret it and even attempted to bribe me into moving back in with her. (She still makes attempts) Then came engagement. You would swear the world came to an end! She was furious, i had multiple people call me screaming. But why? I did not understand what was so horrible! My mother has yet to decide if she is going to attend my wedding, other family members have also thrown out the idea of them not attending. Also, she said " DO you really think anyone from this side of the family is going to show up to your wedding?" Now she is trying to bribe me into waiting two years to get married. (not going to happen) She continuously asks me the same questions, what if you move out of state, etc. And I always have the same answers but she continues to ask. I went to see her yesterday and as i was telling her goodbye she decided to throw in, "You'll be sorry. When you move out of state and cant see me and never talk to me, you'll be sorry." There are phones and e-mail, am i wrong?

Anyways, I am here to ask how to deal with a mother and other immediate family who all think they can control your life.

Answer 1

Marriages among armed services personnel have a notoriously high rate of failure. Apart from the mortality rate, factor in the rate of disability, "Gulf War Syndrome" which is a combination of DU and vaccine poisoning, and the macho military culture... your mother has plenty of reason to be concerned. Particularly among Marines and Army, the rate of spousal abuse is high. It takes the average soldier a couple of years after the service just to learn how to be a human being again. The odds of having to go home with your children in tow are pretty high.

Your mother's phrasing, however is that of a control freak. The very best thing you can do is prove her wrong and throw that in her face every time you get the chance. Living well is the best revenge.

While your husband is on duty, scope out the community college for vocational courses. There are 2-year courses that fast track to good paying professional jobs.  

Answer 2

Don't include them in your wedding guest list until they learn to stop acting like a bunch of asses.  

Answer 3

Hi i had a similar situation, i found that the only way to deal with this is to stick with what you want. Your mum is only looking out for you, but this is clearly misguided. You need to have a calm conversation with her. Maybe suggest going for dinner as this might make her listen and talk rather than shout as its public.

Tell her that although you understand shes looking out for you, you need to make your own mistakes (even if its not a mistake in your eyes). Tell her that you are there for her unconditionally and you hope that she feels the same.

If you are moving away let her know that you will still always be there for her but be honest, tell her that you cant spend your life with your mum. Ask her about when she got married - did she stay near her parents? If she did, did she not regret it a little. At the end of the day you need to make it clear that although you are her child you are also a human being and need to live your life. Whats worse for her - you moving away and having regular contact or you staying and resenting her for making you?

Hope that helped a little!

Answer 4

your mother needs to learn that your growing up and you make your own decisions, if you stay your mother will be more controlling then ever and she will believe she can make you do anything she wants. Do what you have to do, so what if no one shows up to your wedding the people aren't the important ones it's the groom and the bride that's all that matters

Answer 5

Simply don't let them. If you are sure of your decisions and willing to live with the consequences, then follow your heart and your head. If they decide to break all contact with you, that's their choice, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Just one favor to yourself. If it is true that so many people who care about you are against you being with this guy, take a step back and make sure that they're not seeing something that you're not. You don't mention why no one from your mother's side of the family is in favor of this relationship. Is he too old, too young, a different race, what?

Tell your mother that you are willing to listen to her arguments against this relationship if she can do it without yelling or threatening. Tell her you realize that she loves you and has some reason for not wanting you to be with this man. You'd like to know exactly what it is. And, here's the important part, LISTEN to her.

Do your best to have a discussion about the issue instead of an argument. If you make her explain herself instead of just yelling, threatening, and bribing, you'll learn a lot. Either she does have a valid reason that you should consider or she's just afraid of losing control over you.

You'll never know unless you talk it out. It doesn't seem like it could make things much worse.

.

Answer 6

She's trying to threaten you - don't let her - she loves you but she needs to let go and allow you to be an adult....

Answer 7

I am sorry but I am from the old school I guess and I don't approve of anyone moving in with their boyfriends no matter how much they say they love each other.  I have to agree with your mother on this one.  I don't think your mother is overbearing at all.  What I think is that she loves you with all her heart and she is trying to help you see what you have done wrong.  First comes marriage and then you move in.  You experience life together as one.  What will be so special about getting married now, you have already given everything there is to give.  Whatever you do you will do.  Your mind is made up already.  Do as you wish but I can tell you this much.  In the future there will come a time that you will regret not listening to your mother.  Your mother as the experience here.  There is an old saying from where I come from that what goes around comes around.  Your turn will come when you have children of your own.  Let's see how you handle things with your own daughter.  My guess is you will do the same thing your mom tried to do for you.

Answer 8

Of course I am assuming you are marrying a man who treats you well and doesnt abuse you when I say this but moving out of state and getting away from your mother is the best thing you can do. Imagine how it will be when (if) you have children. She will increase her control issues over you. I did move out of state from overbearing in laws and it was the best decision I could have made. Limit your communication with her and if she starts in on her controlling behaviour cut off the communication simply by saying you have things to do. If she continues to cause problems for you to the point of depression or unneeded stress you may have to cut her off completely until she gets the message. If it comes to that make sure she knows why youre cutting her off. You dont need a ton of people calling you and screaming at you. If that keeps happening get an unlisted number and dont give it to anyone who has connections with people harassing you.

If it still doesnt let up you can charge people with phone harassment.

Answer 9

As long as your fiancee is NOT physically ,mentally ,emotionally or sexually abusive ,doesn't have a drinking,drug or gambling problem and IS NOT  cheating on you,and NOT some kind of a predator,I say if you are an adult,be an adult and live your life for you.

As long as you are willing to live with the consequences of your decisions,live,love and be happy.

Your mother and family will come around and accept your decision,in time.Good luck and bless you.