How to deal with clingyness?

Question

My daughter is 11.5 months old and very clingy with me. She never really saw anyone but me or her father (family were far away) for the first 8 months of her life, so it's understandable but now we live near my husbands family and obviously they all want to see her and to babysit (and it would be nice to have a night out alone!) but she gets hysterical if anyone but my husband or I hold her. She doesn't calm down if we leave, she's just miserable the whole time. How do we deal with this? Would it be better to wait it out til she's less clingy before letting someone else have her for a few hours, or let her grandparents have her for a couple of hours per week the way she is now? they think she will get used to it that way, but I don't want it to make the clingyness worse! Which do you think would be better? She is already used to them as we visit frequently and will play with them alone and be fed by them, which is progress, she just won't be picked up by them.

Answer 1

Keep doing what you are doing, and if she has a problem let someone else handle it, with you in the next room. It is normal for this to happen, and will get better in time. Maybe you should stay over night there once a month or a couple times, to let her really get to have the feel of the house. Once she goes to bed, you could sneak out for a short while.  

Answer 2

Little ones are very sensitive.  Be sure that you are not sending a distress signal with body language or even heightened pulse rate.  They can pick up on your fears.  Try to remain calm.

Then...

Think about your own shyness.  Nobody "likes" strangers.  To her everyone is a stranger even grandmas and grandpas.  For a 1 year old a day or a weekend is an eternity.

I don't know if you'll understand this concept or not, but let's pretend you are in your 20s, take anything she is going through and multiply it by 20.  One day is three weeks for her, a  weekend is a month and a half.

Take some steps, think it through.  These things take time, unfortunately in our "go fast" world, we forget that and want instant results...even with our kids.

Enjoy her, even the things you don't like will be over and she'll be grown and you'll be pining for the days she would only let you hold her.

Answer 3

Most babies with healthy attachment go through one or more clingy phases. As you say, your daughter is getting more comfortable with them during the times when you all visit her grandparents and the more she sees them, the happier she will be with them. I wouldn't leave her with them until she is more comfortable and will be happy shortly after you leave.

My daughter is 18 months old and adores her grandparents. If they look after her for a few hours, she usually cries briefly, but is then happy the rest of the time. We have worked hard to make sure they are comfortable spending time together by visiting regularly to enable strong relationships to form.

It will take awhile, but your daughter will form stronger bonds with your husband's family and you will be able to leave her with them without concern that she may be miserable.

Answer 4

I went through this with my son, it got so bad that I had to tell him where I was going before even getting out of a chair, if I didn't he had hysterics! It really is difficult to deal with. My advice is to be patient and never try to force her into anything that will make it worse. Just keep doing what you are now, gradually introducing her to different situations and people whilst she is in your company. You are already making progress as she is letting her grandparents feed her etc. She will grow out of it eventually, it is just her nature for now and she is only a little person in a big world.

Answer 5

I have seven children and have stayed at home with all of them. They were all different about other people, even my parents who they saw at least every 10 days or so. Its more your child's personality than who she really knows. Some parents will say let her cry she has to get over it. I am of the opinion that this stage lasts for so little time relatively that it just is pointless and not I think even unhealthy to push her into situations where she is clearly frightened, distressed, etc. Continue to introduce her to new poeple and situations while respecting her personal space boundries. Show her that YOU are okay with others and interact with them as you would normally, she'll come into her own. I have one child who is painfully shy at first and she is now 11. As a baby, this child was not comfortable with anyone but her older sisters and Mommy and Daddy. Its just her. It drove my mother mad when this child was very young. She took it personally. Explain to grandparents that it isn't a personal dislike so much as a cautious personality. Enjoy her! She will be grown before you even can realize the time has gone by!